Home→Forums→Relationships→Ennui and Love
- This topic has 35 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by
Gavin.
-
AuthorPosts
-
March 26, 2014 at 7:28 am #53558
Stripes
ParticipantI believe we become our habits. Maybe try forming new positive habits, one at a time, and stick with them; every day. Wake up earlier than usual and make some art. Every day. Don’t wait for inspiration to come to you. When you choose to walk down a path, it will lead you to other paths. Become the person you want to be through your habits. Do you exercise? Yoga? Authentic women are drawn to authentic men. DO something to chase away the ennui. Don’t “chase” women. Forcing a relationship will not bring you happiness. Join a group, make friends. Your significant other should be your best friend. Allow it to happen naturally.
March 26, 2014 at 7:45 am #53559Kelly
ParticipantGavin, I feel for you and can relate to the loneliness that can sometimes accompany personal growth. I also feel a bit listless these days. As much as I try to drum up enthusiasm for things, it falls flat. I try to accept things as they are because maybe now is not the time to pursue more activity. It seems you’ve found contentment to a certain extent – being able to center yourself and find happiness in the present moment. But then there’s a desire for more. I too desire a loving relationship. I feel in conflict because I understand happiness comes from within me, yet I reminisce about all the extremely happy and wonderful times shared with a past partner and fantasize about having similiar feelings in the future. I think people in general often look externally for happiness. How do you balance the desire to find happiness within yourself against the risk of becoming isolated and lacking interaction with the outside world and other people? Is a desire for a loving relationship tantamount to looking externally for happiness? I don’t know. As for finding a partner, like Stripes says we should allow it to happen naturally, but at the same time I’m a firm believer in creating the world you want to live in and going after the things you desire. All of this is very difficult to reconcile. Perhaps we are overthinking things.
My ruminations are likely not helpful to you, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
March 26, 2014 at 8:18 am #53560The Ruminant
ParticipantI went through a similar phase, after some sort of “enlightenment”. I was happy and content and detached…and the detachment became a problem. I lost all motivation and interest, because I was living in this idea that I was already content. I have heard of other people going through something similar. Though to them (just like it was for me) was trauma -> letting go -> ecstasy -> loss of interest in life, so it might’ve been some other kind of chemical thing as well.
Everything balanced out after a while. I strive for things, am more ambitious, crave passion, etc. It’s just not to prove my worth or to fill some void within. The energy flow is different from before. Instead of grabbing onto things and attempting to pull them towards me, I radiate and occupy my space. There is/was a transition period though when things felt really weird and pointless.
So I think I can understand what you’re going through. It will get better. Just remember to be humble, and not to judge people according to what they seem to be looking for.
March 26, 2014 at 8:49 am #53563Matt
ParticipantGavin,
Sometimes when we find some inner peace, we mistake the relief for joy, and begin to feel as though “that’s all there is”. Much like a being that walks through a forest of brambles finds great comfort sitting down, pulling the thorns and briars from their skin. A great relief. But happiness? Contentment?
From a different angle, consider that meditation and breath is very peaceful, and helps calm the mind. This brings much peace, much expansiveness. Much like erasing all the old lines from the canvas, a fresh, clean slate. However, its false to think “happiness is a clean slate, a blank canvas”. Happiness arises from skillful painting, from acting skillfully. Breathing is part of that, right concentration an aspect of the path. But what is it you’re doing with the space that you make? What do you see? Materialism? Impermanence? Apathy?
Sometimes when people approach Buddhist philosophy without a teacher, they get a false, conceptual view of emptiness, of impermanence, of suffering. We see a flower blooming, and turn away from its beauty… the mind stepping in and saying “there is no beauty there, the flower an empty thing, meaningless to me.” Mu! False! There is real beauty there, just impermanent. The flower’s qualities are sensual, pleasing, fragrant, radiant. As we let the flower be that for us, dance for us in such a way, it becomes like a shooting star across our view. Yes, beautiful as it arises, and accepted that the bloom will wither when it does, in its own time. But while its there, while we’re here, alive, there is beauty, joy. Settling attachments isn’t about trying to put distance between ourselves and the flower, such as refusing to see the beauty. Rather, its in pulling back, accepting that perceiving such a thing is a wonder, even if only for a single breath before it withers.
The whole “why love a flower that is only going to die” approaches from the wrong end, from the clinging to happiness. Said differently, when we see beauty, we do grieve its passing. In small amounts for small things, such as little bits of silence and melancholy after seeing a radiant sunset. And big amounts for big things, such as the tears and grief of seeing a loved one lost. Don’t be afraid of the grief, afraid that just because the flower withers that its beauty must be avoided to avoid the pain of grief. As you come back to the cushion, over and over, the flower remains beautiful, becomes even moreso, as we respect how momentary its blossom really is. The same is true of romantic love. Yes, its true that lovers grieve when their partners go, from death or disinterest, but those moments of being hand in hand, exploring the cosmos with a friend, partner…are far more beautiful than the grief is painful. The beauty and pain are both impermament, so why fret either? Better to relax, sing, play, dance and weep… and as we return to the cushion, work to abandon the unskillful and grow the skillful. Then, getting up refreshed, dance another few songs. Then sit, settle. Over time, this grows authentic happiness, rooted contentment, unshakable truth. IMHO, of course.
With warmth,
MattMarch 26, 2014 at 9:14 am #53568Gavin
ParticipantAll true – I do Tai Chi, and most definitely don’t “chase” women.. hehe. I am open to just letting this all happen naturally, except that it just simply doesn’t feel as if it will happen all that easily since I have no real interest in anything, much less anything group-oriented, maybe aside from the Tai Chi. As for the art, it’s not a case of waiting for inspiration – I simply don’t seem to have any interest in the skills I do have anymore.
March 26, 2014 at 11:28 am #53577Stripes
ParticipantIt sounds like you need some sense of purpose in life. I think a huge problem is the being alone part. Whether you’re introverted or not, we are social creatures and need relationships in life. A monk in a cave does no one any good. When he mingles amongst us and shares his insights, then the world benefits and becomes a better place. If you have skills, you can use them in some way to help others. I don’t know what kind of art you do, but you don’t have to limit it to what you’ve always done. Try making a motto for yourself. There is something you can feel passionate about. Find your “path” and there just might be a lady nearby who would love to take the walk with you.
March 26, 2014 at 11:39 am #53580Gavin
ParticipantThank you Kelly for your empathy and thoughts.. Anything is helpful and gratefully received and ruminated upon! 🙂 I think you make a good point in your reply about accepting things as they are with consideration to whether there is an issue of “the right time” (I hope I understood you right by that) – in essence a person is really trapped by that aspect of life when you can’t really actively seek one of the people whom you might go through life with. I don’t think the desire for a relationship ever truly leaves you, though I admit to feeling a tad conflicted in that I can be both comfy with myself alone and wanting companionship. In effect I feel ambivalent about both states, having spent lots of time wishing for a partner when single and ultimately finding myself wishing for solitude when with someone, though if believe in retrospect I only felt like that because past relationships have been based upon looking for happiness externally, so I think the negative aspect of the relationship was only because I couldn’t grant myself space to be myself without feeling guilty, hence the anxiety at the time. In a sense, having that sense of contentment now makes any yearning for a partner all the more valid in knowing that it’s for the right reasons and not “clingy”, but in a way it makes the vacuum of a woman’s heart and touch more painful also.
I don’t know if your questions were rhetorical or not – I think they are but i’ll try to give an answer anyway (hehe) – I think there’s a certain risk that you may become too contented.. Indeed that is a worry I have now because that inevitably sets up almost a “grass is greener” conflict.. How do you really know which you’d be happier in? I’m not sure that the desire for a relationship is a damnable state of mind though, no.. We are after all compassionate and empathic by nature even if we don’t exercise it as much as we perhaps should, so I think the basic desire to connect is within us, whether we wish to rationalise it away or not.
It’s possible we overthink things, yes! Hehe.. I guess I’m treating my problem from the root when considering that I’ve kinda lost interest in things which might form a social foundation. How do you meet new people when you’re both afflicted with a certain level of shyness, self-inflicted cynicism about your own worth and have a lack of interests? I think that’s the root of my problem and one which can feel will be affecting my approach to possibilities. I also find that people are not as sociable as they used to be. That hurts too, compounded by knowing that in such withdrawal the other person will surely be hurting also. A sad state of affairs.
March 26, 2014 at 11:43 am #53581Gavin
ParticipantTrue also.. I’m not really expecting to meet anyone via my art though really.. It’s a temperamental beast at the best of times. I think I mentioned that more because the art I do is really a solitary experience, and thus whilst it’s a strength it’s also not very relevantly helpful haha.. You are right though.. I do need a purpose in life – I have many things upon which I can base effort against frustration, but nothing I’d consider a purpose. I am without purpose really.
March 26, 2014 at 11:52 am #53583Gavin
ParticipantThank you Ruminant for sharing that.. I suppose I have been hoping that it’s a transient phase to that shift which happens inside when you move from the external mindset to actually generating happiness inside (not that’ve gone 100% from one to the other.. I think I’ve been a mixed bag all my life, but definitely looking more external until this last year or so). It’s heartening to hear someone recant such an accurate mirror to myself, though I won’t presume to know what your specific trauma was, unless you meant it in the general sense. I suppose I could equate the stress and anguish I’ve put myself through mentally with a certain trauma, since it has indeed caused me a lot of hurt thinking that there has been something wrong with me all this time.. It’s amazing how it can seem that there are so many people in happy relationships when you’re single and feeling lost. Then again another aspect I do worry about with a very real buddhist heart is how many of those people out there are in dissatisfying relationships but clinging on themselves, afraid to be alone. Being single is a very mixed bag, and sits better some days than others I think. I wouldn’t claim to have been alone all my life – I’ve had numerous relationships, one quite long lasting, but when you do find that inner happiness thing it does make singledom more comfortable. If you do truly have room in your heart for another though, it leaves a void which will never truly be filled by inner happiness, if you’re honest with yourself.
March 26, 2014 at 12:12 pm #53585Gavin
ParticipantThanks for your thoughts Matt. I’m totally with you on this journey and page as you describe it. I do think that in a way my heart does turn away from beauty, though I agree that the passage of life as seen through Buddhist principles rightly guides an appreciation for the moment; to celebrate whilst there, mourn when gone, accept and be grateful for what was and keep moving.. This is true with relationships also yes, otherwise I think it would be very difficult to get up in the morning! Hehe.. I suppose a certain amount of my heart that’s afraid to embrace loss though it is inevitable.. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I become so subconsciously focussed on the good evaporating to really appreciate the good times. Maybe I’ve overcompensated with my awareness of mortality, though it is this which causes me anxiety, knowing that it will be painfully sad to miss out on love through misfortune. I think I’m having trouble with all this because I’ve hurt myself a lot too, either with my own imagination, sheer misfortune or even by putting myself through repeating patterns of experience. I have waded into Buddhism by myself really – not many people out there teach these things (a pet angst of mine which I think could save education as we know it, if only some were brave enough to accept it and the consequences therein!) but in doing so I believe I have confronted and understood a lot more also just by being mindful enough to be careful not to rush my understanding of matters without considering the many angles and perceptions you might place upon a philosophical idea. I treat it as the difference between someone who has read about plumbing and someone who has put in the hours of trial and error! I know who will probably understand and appreciate matters more instinctively.
Where I stand now between myself and relationships is that I’m now looking at what I’m perceiving as lots of people who aren’t past that “stage of enlightenment” and are still looking externally for love. Is this really a stumbling block to connecting with another heart? I don’t mean to seem arrogant by presuming that my own heart is in some way perfectly placed to receive love correctly either – for sure it’s in a dodgy place otherwise I wouldn’t be here talking now. I think I just feel real anxiety too that I might have missed, or will continue to miss opportunities because of my tendency towards shyness too. I was crippled with this when I was a teenager, and if I’m honest it’s never really got much better. In a way the hurtful place I find myself in is at least partly self-fulfilling prophecy, which is also another reason for why I sought answers to my anxiety over missing out on real life. In many ways I can’t stop beating myself up about things, even though I now have a means of generating inner happiness quite successfully.
-
This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by
Gavin.
March 26, 2014 at 12:34 pm #53590Gavin
ParticipantActually I will also add that over time I have found that the pain of loss has been greater than the beauty. Another thing I have had a lot of difficulty in is feeling the same joy in real loving situations that manifest when I might observe another couple together. Is that a part of my imagination filling in the gaps of something which isn’t really as intense for them? Quite possibly.. It does seem to leave my own romantic experiences lacking.
March 26, 2014 at 12:35 pm #53591The Ruminant
ParticipantYou know what might be a really good exercise for you? And for me, actually, as well! To go to a social setting, what ever it is. It can be anything, like a local pub or gathering or anything. Even a support group! Anything where people are going to talk to you. Then you would just listen to them with an open mind and an open heart, without any expectations or assumptions. Men, women, young, old… Just allow them to speak and listen to them and give them attention. I don’t know what I think would happen, but for some reason I think it might be a good idea. Perhaps I’m just projecting my own problems with connecting with people. I’m now assuming that most of the problems come from me already assuming that another person couldn’t possibly understand me or be “on the same level” with me. It sounds horribly judgmental and…it is! I have a problem with dismissing people and thinking that they’re all terribly shallow and uninteresting, but I think there’s an error in my perception.
Somehow I’m thinking that you might be suffering from a similar thought pattern. Perhaps you’re dismissing perfectly wonderful women before even getting to know them? Who knows. They might actually teach you something new! 🙂
March 26, 2014 at 12:47 pm #53592Gavin
ParticipantHehe I know where you’re coming from Ruminant. For a while I did have that issue of being too busy being ready with a reply to really listen to what was being said – that inability to be in the moment and give another person your undivided attention. I know that’s not quite what you had in mind, but I think it’s a similar principle. In reality I have a lot of time for people from any angle really! In a social setting I’m hardly ever one to start a conversation since I have little to talk about in all honesty, though I can usually keep a conversation rolling when the other person is as open to listening in the moment. Big problem is that I just seem to be missing something that makes people feel they can talk to me. I suppose like everyone I have good and bad days when I may seem more approachable than others, though my gauge as to how I’ve been doing with my inner happiness has been largely measured by the fact that I have been a lot lighter and more personable this last year! The fact of the matter is though that I find a lot of resistance and people don’t seem to respond to smiles. When did people begin acting like this? It’s always been my interpretation that a smile can go a long way towards beginning contact but people seem to be as likely to turn away as actually respond positively. Being a shy type, conversation potential usually withers.. I’m not normally one for rejecting any woman who might wish to talk though!
March 26, 2014 at 3:26 pm #53602Stripes
Participant“How do you meet new people when you’re both afflicted with a certain level of shyness, self-inflicted cynicism about your own worth and have a lack of interests?”
I still say try changing your habits one at a time. There are many self-help books on Amazon for this purpose (Miracle Morning, The Power of Habit…). You have many, many thoughts. Maybe you could try balancing your thoughts with your “doing.” Do more, think less.
March 26, 2014 at 4:28 pm #53605Matt
ParticipantGavin,
Namaste, I hear your view, and will do my best. Consider that perhaps you’ve fallen into spiritual materialism, or the wrong view that places happiness as the goal. Where others turn to trinkets or toys or sense pleasures, perhaps you turn toward the cushion. Fill up with some happy juice internally, then try to figure out how to connect, what to say, what to do and so forth. This is worth untangling, and connects with the romance question.
In the loving moments, perhaps when you see couples out there dancing, you have no expectations or fears. So, resting, peaceful, you empathize compassionately. There is plenty of space, your pallet is fresh, so it remains vibrant, beautiful. When you’re three inches from kissing a person, there is fear, uncertainty, or attachments to previous failed romances. Those slide in between you and your exeriences and there is an instinctive “pulling back”, like when the eyes constrict to protect from too much light. The result is it “looks pale” or “tastelessness”.
Back to the spiritual materialism… consider that wanting to be happy, finding happiness is actually a byproduct of a much more important, relevant practice. When we practice happiness cultivation, the intention is to increase the spaciousness of mind, through concentration. This is what let’s us part through the chaos with inner stability, trust. This upgrades happiness (transient, fading) into joyousness (peaceful buoyancy alongside emotions) as we can accept that emotions come and fade, illusion comes and fades, and here we remain, breathing, perceiving, content, stable. Said differently, materialistic happiness (spiritual or otherwise) always fades with the sunset. Genuine joy is the warmth that remains inside us whether the mind is silent and open, or noisy and compressed. As we move from happiness cultivation into joy cultivation, space cultivation, those fears and old attachments blossom without all the mental rumination. Perhaps the first kiss is scary, but that fear meets the space and settles, but the kiss feels awkward, which also meets the space. The second kiss is less scary, meets even more space, and is gone. The third kiss sparkles more, fourth kiss and we get in the groove… etc. Whatever dissonance arises in the first kisses meet the space, and we adapt simply, peacefully.
Happiness in this “dharmic glide” is a byproduct, certainly helps, but when sorrow arises, it doesn’t slide into rumination and afflictive emotional cycles because of the space, which doesn’t usually grow alongside the “sparkle hopping” in materialistic intentions… we’re too busy looking for more jewels or avoiding stuff that threatens the ones we have. Wisdom, fancy cars, philosophic rhetoric, big houses… we grab, cling, defend, seek. Where’s the love?
Love is another byproduct of the space. Said differently, love naturally arises inside us when we co-resonate with our environment. When we’re not distracted by ourselves, when the space is open and we rest, waiting, patient… we take in our surroundings, see the stories around us, and empathize, feel compassion. Some describe compassion as “co-suffering” or that co-resonance that we feel when we let ourselves attend what’s around us. Placing the past and the future aside, to bring our concentration to the moment. And then, we’re free. We can get up, look around at what’s there and make some choices. The better we get at making choices (consider, aim for compassion as a general rule of thumb), the less clouds roll in. Space in, space out as it were.
Finally, creating a scale of enlightenment is part silly, part dumb. Consider that there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. For instance, I know many Christians that wouldn’t know impermanence or describe the eight fold path, but their beliefs guide them toward loving like Jesus, which is very compassionate, sacred. In terms of the helpful and kind actions that get visited upon the downtrodden, christian churches are right there, offering help to those in need. In some ways, their path to love is simpler. For those of us who peer behind the curtain… we have to find a path of balance that makes more sense than some ancient stories and fables. Both paths are full of bumbling and stumbling, as you, me, they, we look outside and inside and upside and whichways for love. The lucky ones wake up, look around, stop feeling like they’ve been grown, and start tending the garden. 🙂
Whew, sorry if that misaims or dives a little deep, but your mind seems strong, and in need. Namaste, brother, may your space grow outward.
With warmth,
Matt -
This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by
-
AuthorPosts