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Engaged and Confused

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  • February 14, 2018 at 10:18 pm #192569
    MRZ
    Participant

    My fiance (male) and I (female) dated for 5 years before getting engaged. We live together, treat each other well and support each other in our careers. I have no doubt of my love for him and I believe we are strongly compatible. What bothers me though, is I have intense insecurity issues that have negatively affected our relationship. For example, I constantly am questioning his love for me and doubt my own worth. My fiance is trustworthy and takes pride in his integrity, but I worry he is with me for logical reasons rather than what he feels in his heart. I constantly feel as though I’m the giver and I’m always the one who loves more. This makes me feel very inferior, triggering my insecurities of being unworthy. I was the one who initiated our relationship, and I’m starting to regret that because now I question whether he was ever attracted to me. I fear he just settled for me because I was nice and made him feel good, rather than dating me out of genuine liking.

    To make matters worse, we recently had a conversation where he revealed he was attracted to the mutual friend who introduced us. (I was suspicious of this in the past but tried to ignore it.) She was unavailable and uninterested, so she never noticed him that way and nothing between them ever happened. But I still have this intense fear that he preferred her over me and just dated me because I was available and interested in him. I’m also afraid to continue my friendship with this other woman now because I worry he will secretly see her as “the one who got away”.

    I am happy with where we’re at now, but I question how we got to where we are. When I think of how we met and started dating, I feel pain, like he wasn’t interested in me and just dated me to be “nice”. I don’t want to feel this pain when I remember my past with my partner.

    How can I talk to him about this in a constructive manner? Should I worry about whether or not I may have been his preferred choice when we started dating? Does it matter who initiated the relationship? As a woman, I feel like I should have laid back and made him pursue me more, but I can’t change the past.

    February 15, 2018 at 4:04 am #192609
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi MRZ,

    I think you are psyching yourself out, and letting fear destroy things. Overanalyzing and comparing yourself can drive you crazy. Don’t go there. He obviously loves you very much. He was with you for five years, and he proposed to you..not her. He wants and chose you because he wants you. You can’t think the worst, because it will come true. Think positive and positive things will happen. I have seen too many amazing relationships destroyed due to fear and insecurity, anxiety by one of the partners. With fear, you can’t have dreams. What I suggest is quality Psychotherapy to work on your issues of insecurity, self esteem, etc before marrying this man, because all these negative thoughts affect your mood, emotions and behavior and he does not deserve that. I would also look into self help books on anxiety in relationships, etc. I hope you will post with any thoughts. x

    February 15, 2018 at 10:51 am #192713
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MRZ:

    You wrote: “I fear he just settled for me because I was nice and made him feel good, rather than dating me out of genuine liking”- you presented the two things as if they are different. We people genuinely like the people that like us.

    You wrote: “I worry he is with me for logical reasons rather than what he feels in his heart”- again, it is not one or the other. It is probably both. If he is more logical than he is emotional, then it is a good thing and you can trust him more that although he may feel attraction to any other woman, he would not pursue her, for… logical reasons, and that pride you mentioned, pride in his integrity.

    You asked: “Should I worry about whether or not I may have been his preferred choice when we started dating?” No, you shouldn’t. Because you were not like a dress shirt that he purchased because the other was too expensive and therefore stuck with a second choice. There has been a relationship going on with you for five years, something one cannot have with an item, like a dress shirt.

    The quality of the relationship is in the process, still  ongoing.

    You asked: “Does it matter who  initiated the relationship?”- no. What matters is the process, what is happening in the relationship, making it better now.

    Your insecurities preceded the relationship with him, correct? If so, would you like to elaborate on these insecurities prior to the relationship with your fiancé?

    anita

     

    February 16, 2018 at 7:07 am #192811
    Waraqqa
    Participant

    1) It does not matter who started the relationship.  In my last one, I was the one who made a move on him, and I didn’t regret it at all, it was great. Some men are indecisive, and there is nothing wrong with the woman making the first step, it is empowering. He wouldn’t have gone for it, let alone stick around for 5 years and get engaged to you if he didn’t want it.

    2) However, what ruined that relationship for me was precisely my own doubts and insecurity. My preceding experience was emotionally abusive one, so I was still reeling from it, conditioned to look out for “red flags”, and very hypervigilant, always afraid that I’d be abandoned or unloved. When our long-distance phase started, his inability to keep in touch as often as before to me looked like cooling down (which it wasn’t), and I kept lashing out, eventually frustrating him, and with one particularly bad accusational email, things broke beyond repair.  I really wish I had more faith and been more positive.

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