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Endless loop of moving on and coming back

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  • October 4, 2015 at 12:36 pm #84685
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi,

    I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about four months ago now, we dated for about 7 months. It was the most difficult break up I ever went through. I wanted more intimacy that was non-sexual and I didn’t communicate that well and neither did he. We spent way too much time together and that kind of led to our downfall along with him criticizing some of the things I said.He was actually one of the only guy’s I actually loved and it was unconditional, something I could never feel/do in past relationships. We both have our own issues to sort through- his fear of intimacy and my inability to be alone/jealousy/trust for long periods of time. I have done a lot of work on my end…but I don’t think he has. After we broke up, I didn’t speak to him for a month or so then wrote to him. We texted for a while until he admitted he was scared to talk to me in case I wanted to be in a relationship again. We stopped talking for another month or so. I saw him in person for work related stuff and we were talking, but anytime I would talk about how things could work out he said it made him “uncomfortable” which makes me sad. After a couple of days I asked him if he wanted to try to be in a relationship again and he said he didn’t want to. I was so upset, embarrassed, humiliated, hurt, and sad that day that I told him that I was too good for him and that I hoped he would find someone who cared for him as much as I did. I left that evening and didn’t speak to him for another month even though we ran into each other a couple of times. It was my b-day recently and I saw him and I struck up a conversation just asking general questions and to see how he was doing. Since then, I can’t stop thinking about him and wanting to write to him and it’s making me feel bad. I want to spend time with him and stuff. I just feel bad and I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?

    I find it so weird that we’re both anxious to being around each other. I have no idea why…i’ve never felt that way before. I’m sure that I will eventually meet someone else, but I can’t seem to let this go. I still regret breaking up with him even though it was the right thing to do at the time because I felt so lonely in the relationship because of his lack of sharing emotions. Now i’m not sure which is worse.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Annie.
    October 4, 2015 at 2:31 pm #84688
    Lori
    Participant

    Hi Annie,

    He told you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. I know it’s painful, humiliating, hurtful and upsetting, but it’s the truth. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you’ll get over it, and him.

    You are feeling lonely now, so you regret breaking up with him. But you were lonely in the relationship too. So the relationship really wasn’t so great, right? Don’t settle for a mediocre relationship. You deserve better.

    Keep active, do things you love to do, go out with friends, meet new people, set new goals. It may take time but the pain will pass. He’s not the right guy for you. You’ll do fine without him. You’ll see.

    The first step is accepting what he told you.

    It’s not easy, I know.

    lori

    October 4, 2015 at 4:56 pm #84701
    Ahliyya
    Participant

    Dear Annie, I totally agree with Lori on this. From what i read this guy isn’t ready to be in a relationship with you so why do you want to be? Dear I know how you feel because I’ve been in similar situation and trust me it is not easy to just let go and move on but you’ve got to be strong and do it. He is not your man sis. Don’t be too hard on yourself and forgive yourself first cos that is the first step to healing your wounds. Try as much as possible to avoid him if seeing him makes you uncomfortable and if by chance you meet please avoid the temptation to talk about having him back. With time I know you will heal and get someone more matured and loving than him, although there are no perfect guys out, u deserve the best….love

    October 5, 2015 at 10:17 pm #84804
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Lori,

    You are right – that I need to accept what he has said. Somehow I really can’t get over the hurt and anger that has resulted from this relationship. There is almost this feeling of being abandoned although I know i’m an adult and I can’t be abandoned. It just upsets me knowing that someone knows that I am suffering and they just don’t care. Of course, not everyone cares about others. I don’t know about anything anymore. I am just struggling friend friendships and all of the people in my life. I am lonely and I have tons of friends. My happiness is short lived. I feel like I accept then I forget and I accept and forget, kind of like the title of this article.

    Hi ahliyya,

    Maybe because we were in a relationship before? Clearly things did not work well then, and I’m sure they wouldn’t have worked out long term. He resists intimacy, but there is nothing I can do about it. I still get sad thinking he will move on with someone else, maybe he has already moved on. I am still sad though, and hurt, and angry. You are right, I need to completely avoid seeing him and/or talking to him because it really makes me feel bad. I can not let go of my guilt that this was somehow my fault even though I know rationally that we were both responsible for the good and bad things that happened. I think part of this has to do with me putting him on a pedestal and thinking that I will never find someone as handsome as him.

    October 5, 2015 at 11:33 pm #84805
    Lori
    Participant

    Hi Annie,

    I understand the hurt and anger you feel. Rejection is distressing. It almost feels like the pain is physical, doesn’t it?

    You can get through it, though.

    Lori

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