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Endless Cycle

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  • November 27, 2017 at 7:58 pm #179645
    Parker
    Participant

    im new here. My story is similar to many of you…is my dis-ease a hunch from my higher self moving me out of the relationship, or do i suffer from relationship anxiety/addiction to more? Except this has happened in nearly every relationship. I’ve been with my guy going on 3 years now. We have a beautiful 18 month old boy. There’s been times of connection for sure. He’s a great guy and there’s no red flags. However i find myself most of the time focusing in on what he’s not/how he could be better. When he works hard to be these things (i.e. more romantic), i go to the other end and feel disconnection, ruminate on “i must not be in love”. We are in therapy doing family of origin work. I just want to know if there’s an end to this cycle. I get the feeling it will happen no matter who I’m with.

    November 28, 2017 at 5:02 am #179679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Parker:

    Reads to  me like “it will happen no matter who (you’re) with”-

    what did you discover in your therapy, the family-of-origin work you mentioned? I wonder, when you were a child, if you also had the repeating or ongoing feeling that something is wrong, that something is not right.

    anita

    November 28, 2017 at 8:23 am #179715
    Parker
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    thanks for replying. Yes, as a young girl i was always afraid. Afraid i was an outsider. Afraid i would die. Afraid i would go blind because i put lipgloss on my eyelids (lol at that one). I’ve always been the depressed type. From family of origin, we have only done a little thus far, but it’s been brought to my attention that i was the center of my dad’s world (he died last year) and now that he’s gone, i expect my partner to fulfill that. He has had trust issues with women because of his mom. However, this block in relationships started long before my dad died. In early relationships with guys, i was desperate for them. I was head over heels, in a sick way. And would push them away and they’d leave me. Now I️t seems I’m opposite. My question is this…once I’ve “turned cold” can i ever go back to healthy love? Am i going to have to leave my partner? I know we’re not just together for our kid because we entered therapy before he was born.

    November 28, 2017 at 8:35 am #179719
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Parker:

    You are welcome.

    Like you wrote, this “block in relationships started long before (your) dad died” and so I agree, it was formed, this block, before. You wrote that you were the center of your father’s world- can you elaborate on what that meant, being the center of his world?

    anita

    November 28, 2017 at 10:02 am #179727
    Parker
    Participant

    We were just best friends. Probably unhealthy. He would actually side with me against my mom, and they remained married until he passed. My mom and i have had a very volatile relationship, i believe she is an untreated borderline. He literally made me feel like the most special person on the planet. He had another daughter from a previous marriage (about 20 years older than me), and my mom shut him out from seeing her. Really odd dynamic.

    November 28, 2017 at 10:32 am #179731
    Peter
    Participant

    One of the purpose of relationships is to create the space where we get to deal with our past hurts so that we can become. Your ahead of the game as you recognized that you will bring this into whatever relationship you’re in until you learned what you need to learn/heal.  As you are aware of this I have no doubt that you will end the cycle.  I found the book by David Ricco ‘How to be a Adult in Relationships’ very helpful as I had unrealistic expectations about relationship – impacted by past hurts that need to be healed.

    November 28, 2017 at 10:41 am #179733
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Parker:

    Having a volatile mother is damaging to a child. If she was  indeed “an untreated borderline”, I wish your father was able and willing to remove you from her presence so you didn’t grow up with her around. Not that such is easy  or even possible to legally accomplish.

    A volatile mother is enough to scare a child. I suppose your father, living with a volatile, explosive woman, his wife, sided with you as if you were a sibling, as  if you were an equal party to the dynamic, not as the child that you were. It is  unhealthy for a child to be best friends with a parent, a  confidant, a .. substitute wife, an alternate partner, none of these.

    He made  you feel like the most special person on the planet, you wrote in your last post. What did it mean to you then and  what does it mean to you now?

    anita

     

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