Hi there crazy angle,

Thanks for putting your ages at the end like that. That made for a surprising punchline, I’d pictured you guys at least 10 years younger! (Sorry.)

OK, so, what do you do to fix this.

Her telling you not to talk to your friends is controlling behaviour. It may come from insecurities and jealousy, but it’s still controlling, it’s not OK and you are right to tell her, “No can do.”

I don’t like this thing you call her selflessness. Maybe I’m reading the situation wrong, but it sounds like she’s got a pattern that runs a bit like this:

Her: “Do what I want and stop talking to any women but me!”
You: “Sorry, but no.”
Her: “Oh, woe is me! Clearly you’d be much happier without me, you’ll have to leave me behind. Go! I will cry forever!”
You: “Hang on, no, that’s not what I want!”
Her: “Sniffle. So, you’ll stop talking to those girls then?”

Comedy exaggerations aside, this kind of behaviour can still be a way to control you, a way for her to get what she wants without having to do the hard work of understanding your point of view, finding a compromise, giving and taking and trusting and all that kind of mature relationship stuff. You say you run around fixing stuff, but she’s the one who’s out of line. Hacking somebody’s facebook is not OK, you have a right to private conversations without her reading over her shoulder.

Adding this up my advice would lean towards “go and be free,” but if you really want to fix it, here goes. You’ll have to somehow get through to her that what she’s doing is not OK. She needs to grow up a bit more, stop spying, learn to trust you, allow you to have friends and find a way to feel OK with all of that. That’s going to be a tall order, but it’s going to be downright impossible if she doesn’t understand it’s what she needs to do, or doesn’t want to do it.

Good luck, man.

Good Day Everyone!
Hello crazy angle!

As I was reading your story, I find it difficult to really dig into the whole issue with your gf , as what your trying to say she was snooping your phone/social media. I would want to know if you gave her any reason for her to go that far?(Cos I know how important it is for you guys to have PRIVACY). Did she catch you before talking to some girls?(flirtatiously) If so, you can’t really blame her. Sometimes it’s a natural instinct for a girl to be protective/territorial of her relationship, she might not want to be overly possessive but she want to secure her relationship. When someone tries to come in between the magic that is you and your significant other, the claws naturally come out. Unfortunately, you have to accept that this is going to happen more than once in your lifetime. Let me give my 2 cents of advice man, when you enter a “committed relationship” trust is really important.It is the fuel of the relationship. Without it, its the end game. SO how do you gain trust from your GF? First, you should be open to her. All your errands/socialization should not be kept a secret.I don’t think talking to your so called “friends” is an issue to her. But if at some point, your trying to communicate to some “people” your GF know nothing about, sure thing she will ask you. But that doesn’t mean she’s trying to control you. She might want to know what’s happening and she might have a bad feeling about someone or something. And if there’s nothing to hide, what’s the fuss?? If you want to make progress, openly discuss and analyze what the issue at hand is.

“she told me not to communicate with other girls (friends/strangers) and she called them “Threat”, so i told her i cant do what she wants, i only told her i can do that for people i don’t know but for my friends its a no no and she don’t agree with me and still insist for it. we always fight over the same issues, i feel so tired and suffocated, everything i do is being watch, its like ive committed a crime that i need to be in 24/7 surveillance, all my logins in fb are being questioned like who are you talking to, etc. etc.”

–> Your relationship with your friends should never be an issue. And if these “strangers” talks to you on a daily basis then the issue begins here. Maybe she don’t want you to be overly attached to these “strangers” cos later it might go into something deeper.
If these issues are being brought up before, why does it happen all over again? maybe that same “issue” was not really resolved from the very beginning. If she tells you that cutting off your communication with these “strangers” is the solution then would it be a big deal to you? Unless, it weighs more than your relationship with your girlfriend.

“i think that the best way is to move on, i think she needs to find that guy who have the same mind like her. or i am wrong? what do you think i can do to fix this relationship?”

–> When is the last time you really considered your girlfriend’s thoughts or feelings when you were making a decision that affected her? Consideration of a loved one involves understanding of their thoughts and feelings and an effort to listen to them in a way that communicates respect and genuine respect for their well being.

Learn to compromise on the things you disagree about. When your making a decision together, the most important thing is that you both first listen to each other and make sure you understand exactly where the other person stands on the issue, then you should be able to discuss the “PROS” and “CONS” of the situation in a respectful manner and to find a resolution that can make both of you as happy as possible.

A relationship is a two way street, not a highway and a bike path. If you really want to be with someone you have to be willing to make some sacrifices and work it a little, otherwise the relationship will never work. Relationship require effort from both side or they collapse, so stop being selfish.

The real deal here is compromise, respect and empathy.

xoxo,

Laura

I disagree with Laura, there’s nothing “naturally” about her behaviour and we can blame her. What she’s doing is not OK. You’re not a convicted cheater. Even if you were, this would not be reasonable.

If a guy told his girlfriend, “I need you to stop talking to your friends because I don’t trust you with other guys,” we’d have no difficulty seeing that as a red flag for abuse: isolating her and controlling her. That’s what this is. It makes no difference that she’s a woman.

And here’s a sad thought to chew on: you’re not really helping her, running around and fixing everything. You may just end up making her more dependent and insecure, even if what you’re trying to do is the opposite.

my pleasure crazyangle!

Let’s face it. Trust isn’t something that comes naturally. It needs a reason. It comes not just after an action but a series of actions; meaning to gain someone’s trust you need continuity and consistency in those honest acts that you do and there should be little or no blemishes on your side to dampen the trust you’ve built.

But what could have caused her distrust/insecurities?

It can be of a past experience with you which built a major distaste in her mind. Distrust can root from a deeper psychological trauma like fear of loss, of abandonment or fear of being betrayed. Before you decide to jump out of an otherwise perfect relationship, consider helping her get over her insecurity. Maybe you’re doing something to make her insecure, and you just don’t realize it. Maybe something happened in her past that makes her distrust men. If you can understand why she’s insecure, then you can be more patient and help her get over her worries. Early experiences greatly impact our beliefs. For example, abusive parents, abusive spouses/partners, neglect, or abandonment can foster beliefs that influence one’s self-esteem throughout life. It may arise from ambivalent or critical parenting, or as a result of later life experiences. It can even result from their physical appearance or their social surroundings. If you cheat once, then she will always doubt you. If you’re constantly texting that one friend of yours, then she will doubt you. If you’re a chronic fibber, she won’t believe you. If you don’t want her to become paranoid, then don’t open Pandora’s box. Don’t give her a reason. The thing here is to encourage communication. Describe her behavior and what it means to you. Try something like, “I feel that you become upset when I message my female friends, is it because you dislike my friends, or because you don’t trust me? Or is it something else?

Another thing that might have hyped her insecurities is the comparison between her and your perfect past relationship. well maybe, just maybe. I suggest to acknowledge her strengths. Fill her in on what she’s good at. Take the time to admire her and let her see that admiration.You’ll be surprised at the lift it can give her.

The snooping thing

Some women will utterly desecrate a man’s privacy just to assure themselves he isn’t cheating. These suspicious women often feel justified in their snooping. Obviously, this kind of behavior is completely unacceptable unless there is a strong reason to do so. In some cases like ‘if your gut is telling you that something is wrong and you’ve had that moment where you talk about it, and then you still are not satisfied with the answer, women tend to look for the truth by snooping and they were able to get out of really bad situations. If your girl tries to read into texts that are nothing more than friendly exchanges from women who aren’t a threat whatsoever, i think she will not waste her energy being jealous over them. Generally, it’s the worry of being cheated on that pushes her to snoop. But beyond that, I do agree, that, snooping shows a lack of trust, personal insecurity and a complete disregard for the person’s right to privacy. Talk to her intently about it.

I’d suggest you guys should freely talk about her fears. What she needs from you is a clear commitment to her and the relationship, but she will also need to trust that commitment is there when you are away or when you talk to other women. If she feels secure in your commitment to her, she won’t feel threatened by you ‘flirting’ with other women. But to feel secure in that commitment, she needs to resolve her trust and abandonment issues.

Having a relationship with an insecure woman doesn’t mean you have to walk on eggshells, live in her imprisoned world, or end the relationship. The important lesson is recognizing that insecurity is very common and if detected early and dealt with properly, you can have a stress-free relationship with the woman of your dreams. Get it on!

xoxo

Laura

Dear Crazyangle03

I was in the same situation few months back before i finally decided to end it. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and I have done a lot to show how committed I was to the relationship. I also thought that he is insecure because he has low self esteem so I tried to show him that I valued the person he was. But fact is its not healthy to be this insecure and controlling. Your girlfriend probably needs some soul searching to find out the root cause of this behavior if its fear of abandonment or something else. And I believe you are right to step away because this would be a big problem in the long run. And another point is the only person that can change her for the better is herself not you. I have tried to make my ex see his insecurities are destroying our relationship, I stuck 2 years trying to prove my loyalty but then I realized it was never about me or my loyalty some people have this dark hole in their heart that they need to fix on their own. they have this paranoia that they developed because of some issue all in all nothing you do will ever make them feel secure because their mind is in constant paranoia. I hope she will do some reflection and heal that part of herself. I fully support your decision to step back. Its for the best. stay strong and true to yourself!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Miarbil.