Dear annema:

I like you learning to ask questions and listen to the answers or lack of. It is amazing how much information you can get simply by asking good questions and then evaluating the answers, being open to get all the information, not just the favorable information.

Post anytime.

anita

Dear annema:

It is okay with me that you are back here with the feelings you expressed above. You can whine here, on this thread as often and as many times as you want.

Your feelings are expected. It would have surprised me very much if you didn’t have these feelings.

There are two things here: annema as a mother and annema as a woman. As a mother, you had that talk you told me about with your son. He looks up to you, and you want to make sure, that unlike your ex boyfriend, you keep your word and follow through with what you tell him. So as a mother, you must consider the well being of your children before you react to these feelings.

As far as you as a woman, I understand your loving feelings. You attached the idea of your boyfriend in your brain to a feeling of security. The thought of combining incomes meant a lot to you. And otherwise, the concepts of Him and Safety got together in your thinking and feeling. Literally such connection between the two concepts was made in your brain (as in the connection between cake and pleasure, so when you see cake you automatically think of pleasure).

Not all the connections made in our brain are true to reality: lots are not. Back to my cake example: lots and lots of people connect cake and pleasure, even diabetics whose lives will be in danger if they eat that cake.

So, let’s say a diabetic sees cake and thinks of the pleasure (one connection). Hopefully, there is the other connection that will be stronger: cake and death.

So, do notice your connection of him and safety but look at other connections you already made: him and the misery you experienced, the disappointments. See the “whole picture” – not just one corner of the picture.

And do post anytime.

anita

Dear annema:

Luckily you only feel your heart breaking. It is not breaking. But it feels like it.

When you wrote above:”I’m sure he is hurting.”- that may be your inaccurate projection of your pain into him. “Sounds good” is not an indication of his pain. He may be hurting, but you have no evidence of that, do you?

I wish you were not experiencing pain over this. I understand, I believe, the nature of it. You refuse to let go, emotionally, of the hopes and dreams, the story of how it was supposed to be.

Please do post again and do things to soothe yourself, such as taking a hot bath, listening to relaxing music…

anita

Dear annema:

Perfectly worded message, very clear, you have done very well to deliver the message to him. So well done, so assertive and showing you being a good mother, putting your children’s welfare as your highest priority. You have my respect.

I didn’t understand the last part: “You have a conversation with my parents”- I didn’t know your parents were involved. How?

anita

Dear annema:

It puzzles me that you want him to talk with your parents about the business that is between you and him as the two of you are both adults. It is new and telling information for me that the “all talk” issue was brought up to him before and his response was what it was.

If he talked to your father/ parents- what would it mean to you? What will follow such a conversation? Do you need your father’s approval to take him back, that is you expect the man to convince your father that he follows what he says?

anita

Dear annema:

Well, I agree with your father that one necessary element of a wonderful partner/ husband is following through. Problem is the ex boyfriend’s words cannot convince any reasonable person that he has changed in this regard, so as I see it, a conversation with your father- or anyone- is irrelevant as an indicator for change.

Even if the ex tells your father that he now understands that his past and present are connected, that he has anxiety about commitment, etc. Even if expresses an honest intent to change his behavior, that would be just the beginning of the process he will have to go through so to change his behavior. Your father can only deliver to you his judgment about the ex’s intent and willingness to start the process, but no one can predict if he will indeed go through the process long enough to actually deliver a change in behavior.

You are hoping your message to him will motivate him to start the process, starting with acknowledging he has a problem. In your mindset, if he answers your message with the slightest suggestion that he acknowledges he has a problem, the slightest suggestion he intends to change, you will feel so exhilarated and so willing to see in his response way more than what is in it. So, please pace yourself if/ when he responds with any hopeful words. Let me know what his response is- I think I am objective enough to evaluate it better than you can because I am not emotionally involved. This emotional involvement interferes with logical thinking. So do update me about how you feel at any time, what you think and if he responds…

anita

Dear annema:

Waiting with you, annema, only no hopefully. But waiting nonetheless. Is he still living in an apartment without furniture? I think he is waiting too. Thinking about this, you are waiting for him to make the major moves required to be a husband and a father figure to your two children while he is unable to arrange for basic furniture to be delivered to his place, a bed…

anita

Dear annema:

You are welcome. Till your next post, take care-
anita