If he shows up it will take great strength to turn him down. I don’t think he will ever show up though…regardless, the possibility is in the back of my mind. I feel like any progress I’ve made will be for nil.

I have to constantly remind myself that he NEVER followed through with things. Big things and little things. I was always disappointed with unmet words and that disappointment led to the feeling of hopelessness that he can not keep his word and follow through. Eventually there just wasn’t that expectation and that’s even sadder, to feel hopeless with someone you love. Once I began to feel that, it was the beginning of the end.

Thank you for listening. This is tremendously helpful.

I was discussing this possibility with a friend last night. I think he really wanted to be with us and follow through, but something about him would not permit it. But I don’t know. Thinking back I couldn’t imagine us not being married by now and we were not closer to marriage the day I ended it than we were one year prior. He told me he purchased a ring and was going to give it to me in two weeks. I don’t know if that’s the truth and that’s kind of eating me up. What if he finally did make a big purchase? I think about him sitting alone in his apartment (that is not furnished because he never followed through with getting furniture). He sleeps in a recliner and has a tv on the floor. He is 38 years old.

The interesting thing is that we DID buy a bed and beds for the kids. In December. He put the half payment down and has never had them delivered or made the final payment.

His child hood was strange. His father was an alcoholic (currently sober after a near death cancer experience), his mother wanted to leave his father forever. His Mom does not drive. He was responsible for getting his mother to-from work as a teenager. Everyone loves him personally and professionally. He has a lot of acquaintances and friends. Very outgoing on the outside. Had 2 7 year relationships that ended. Never engaged or married.

He keeps his family at arms length now. He sees them, but there isn’t any kind of emotional closeness.

I would always ask him if he was afraid or nervous about committing and he constantly confirmed to me that he was not afraid. That he couldn’t wait until we could all be together as a family. He is a big, strong, super tall basketball coach. On his outside he is all solid.

Agree. He was not an open person. Despite the fact he told me he was more open with me than anyone ever before. I cannot imagine. I genuinely feel he loves us. I think he just cannot push past whatever his defect is. Or allow himself to see there is a serious issue within himself.

I did not see this for so long. And it is so disappointing.

“I think not following through repeatedly what one says to a child who loves you is outside the definition of a good person.”

This. I have to protect their hearts. And even if he really WAS going to show up in 2 weeks and propose, this is something that would filter into a marriage since he is never willing to accept that he has issues.

So, I try to shuffle through my hurt and disappointment knowing it is what is the absolute best for myself and my children.

I asked my son (age 9) last night how he was feeling and he said “Pretty normal, I mean, he wasn’t here very often. Will we ever see him again?” I answered that we might never see him again and asked him how he felt about that “That makes me a little sad. I liked going to basketball games and getting basketball stuff”. I told him it makes me sad too. That missing people who were important to you is one of the hardest things about life. He followed up with “But, mostly I feel normal”

I wish I could feel normal.

What can I learn from this relationship?

I can learn to follow my gut. There were inklings all along that he was a man of many words and few actions. In the future I will listen to that voice and not take lightly my instincts. If something seems off and I ask about it, if clear answers are not given, that means something.

I have learned that I deserve to put myself and my children first. Always.

I have learned that I need to be dependent on myself. Financially, especially. Even though we did not share money, I felt relief thinking I would soon have dual income. It was a comforting feeling. Now that possibility is gone I feel unstable and insecure financially. I need to feel secure in myself financially somehow.

I have learned that when my good friend and parents are concerned about a mate, there is generally something to think about. These are people who only want the best for me. As outsiders, they can see things from afar that I can’t when I’m so close in.