Ending Long Distance Relationship

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This topic has 49 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 14, 2016 at 10:23 am #101854
Anne
Participant
We began seeing each other August 2014. I have 2 young children from my marriage (ages 7 and 9). We dated for 4 months and after discussions, that our goal was to be only together, I introduced him to my children. They adore him. He is very good with them. At this point my family loves him. The following March (2015), we discuss marriage and look at rings. Him saying all the while it is going to happen soon. This entire time he lives 8 hours away and drives to visit at least every 10 days. I wait and he does not propose. He confirms he will propose soon and says we should look at wedding dates for August (2015). I look for wedding venues/dates/costs. August comes and goes.

He gets a new, wonderful job that is 1700 miles away in August 2015. He takes that job and we are VERY much long distance. I thought he would propose before he moved. He didn’t. We continue to discuss marriage and moving with my children. He understands there will be legal work involved to have my children move away from where their father lives. In November 2015 I begin to ask him what his plans are. He asks me if getting married in December would be ok. I said yes. We put a $2700 deposit on a venue for an April 2nd wedding date (his money, not mine). December comes and goes. The kids and I travel to visit him. I am extremely disappointed he hasn’t taken the next step to move our lives along.

By February I have told him, we are running out of time for an April 2nd wedding but most importantly because I will not do long distance anymore after August and there is much work to be done to prepare for a cross country move. Mid-March comes and I LOSE IT. The April 2nd wedding dates obviously isn’t going to happen. I tell him that living in constant limbo for SO LONG is too stressful for me and the children. It has been a year of constant anticipation with no resolution. He says, trust me, give it a couple weeks. April 2nd comes and goes. He has lost money from the deposit.

A couple weeks come and go. My birthday was April 12th and something just happened in my brain. And I told him that the kids and I can’t live this way anymore and that if it isn’t in his plans to take the next step in the next few DAYS, so we can move forward with our lives(he did say he purchased a ring), I am done. Like, 100% done. It is very ultimatim-y. But, warranted I feel. He said to wait until Mother’s Day weekend that these next two weekends he has required work to do (he’s a college athletic coach). I told him no, that I waited for so long. His response was that these two weekends are required and he would get fired if he did not go to work and “if you want me to get fired….”.

I am needing some words from people outside the situation. I feel like an idiot for putting my children through this. They love him and I do too, but we honestly need someone who will commit to us when they SAY they’re going to do so. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I have told him if he shows up here after this weekend, it will be for nothing because he has lost us. Work and procrastination on his part have put us here. And I have to take the reigns back of my life.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Anne.
April 14, 2016 at 10:56 am #101860

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

Were there indications other than him not following through with the wedding plans, that he doesn’t follow through? That he … doesn’t walk his talk?

Do you have any understanding for the reasons he did not follow through with plans? Do you think he is afraid to commit to you and your children? Maybe reviewing his behaviors in the past… or looking into his own history with prior relationships…?

anita

April 14, 2016 at 11:01 am #101862

Anne
Participant

Thank you so much for replying. I am reeling inside my brain. He is very much all talk. He would say things like “I have big plans this weekend”. When in reality he had no plans at all. I asked him why he didn’t follow through all the times. If it was money or if he was questioning his feelings, etc. He said No, that it was “all him”. Procrastinating, I suppose.
He is 38 and never married. I am 37 and was married for 12 years. My ex husband left to marry his secretary (very cliche). He has been in 2 long term relationships (over 7 years each).
I thought this would be different. He always tells me that he’s so different in our relationship. Much more open and all he wants is to be a family.
Unfortunately his actions never match his words.

April 14, 2016 at 11:15 am #101865

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

The most reliable indication of how a person will behave is how he has behaved in the past. So not following through, not walking his talk is his pattern. Too bad. An ultimatum in itself is not a bad idea, only even if he did follow through and the wedding did take place (because of your ultimatum), you will be still stuck with a man whose pattern is to not follow through.

so, do you live the rest of your life giving ultimatums? This would be very frustrating. I would say this is a real problem that goes beyond getting married or not.

If you get married, he is likely to not follow through with things he promises your children, which will damage them. Maybe it is better that the relationship ends…

anita

April 14, 2016 at 12:08 pm #101883

Anne
Participant

Yes. As I process this. I’m realizing how much I am wanting him to be different and to realize that he is all talk. Maybe he will change one day, but I can’t put my children through it if he doesn’t.

April 14, 2016 at 12:13 pm #101884

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

I agree that you shouldn’t put your children through this. It is painful, as they know, and as you know (!) to be expecting something and it not coming true.

I bet you are in pain about this. Learn from the experience, encourage your children to talk about their feelings about this man, their hopes and dreams that didn’t materialize. Children are so resilient IF they have a parent to truly listen to them, validate their feelings, give words to what they feel, keep a conversation going, being supportive and comforting.

Please post again with new developments.

anita

April 14, 2016 at 7:23 pm #101909

Pamela
Participant

There is so much I want to say:

1) I hear your hopes and the investment in this relationship.
2) Sounds to me like you two truly get along and are very compatible on many many things, which is what makes this all the more confusing.
3) I have studied several kinds of relationship charts–and for certain you can have many levels of true connection that are extraordinarily authentic–but it only takes one really powerful dis-connect that can undermine the integrity of the relationship.
I feel he REALLY likes you, REALLY loves you and your children–But there is some procrastination or self delusion that keeps him from dealing in the REAL or from being able to acknowledge….”HEH, I have to make a livng and as much as Id like to be in a steady situation–I have my own uncertanties in my line of work that make it difficult to truly be able to be there for any woman much less a woman and the lives of her children.” The reason I say all this is because I want you to know YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. There was/is enough connecting you HOWEVER, there is one thread that will keep it from being a Terra Firm kind of relationship.

Some relationships are present for a reason and a season but may not have enough legs to make it long term. I went thru a break up a year ago and it helped me remember—in times of crisis or change—you find out the true character of someone, you find out what personal resources they truly possess. So job changes, death of loved ones, health matters–this is when the true character shines thru.

Dont think your self silly for being involved. He talked and allowed you to do much planning even to the point of putting down money–but for the sake of your children and your sanity-Im not seeing he can really offer much more stability then talk.

I truly offered this to be helpful. I really hope it has been. I will see you as allowing something in your life with more stability and flow for what is perfect for your and your kids.

April 18, 2016 at 6:58 am #102108

Anne
Participant

I’m feeling extremely fragile. I appreciate the responses.

He did not come this weekend. He was in Dallas for work (2.5 hours away) but did not come here. I told him yesterday that I unequivocally cannot do this anymore. That it was his procrastination and empty promises that led me to this decision.

I also told my children last night. They were sad. I felt incredibly guilty for putting them out there to love someone and then telling them this person would no longer be in our lives.

He told me that he was coming in two weeks to propose. I told him that I’d heard that before and not to come. I even said that I need to not be in contact with him so that I can move on.

I had a totally different picture of where our life was headed (much like when my marriage of 12 years ended). I don’t know if I should keep myself from thinking about that, focus on WHY we broke up, or let myself wallow in the sadness/relief of no longer being in limbo.

April 18, 2016 at 7:44 am #102110

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

Making the best choice, often enough, is followed by emotional pain, such as you are experiencing.

I understand your guilt about your children and as I wrote in the last post to you, four days ago, be there for them through this time. You are grieving and so do they. Comfort your children. Explain to them that it is very important to keep one’s promises to another and that he did not. So you are making a promise to your kids, to not only keep your promises to them, but to only allow people who keep their promises into their lives. Let them know you are very sorry for making this mistake of bringing into their life this man who did not keep his promises.

Attend to them throughout a period of time, encourage them to bring up the topic and allow them to express their feelings about it, whatever those feelings may be. All their feelings are valid, let them know they are, that their feelings are understandable and natural.

And then you have your own grief, sadness and relief. It will take time, so proceed, if you will, with a one-day-at-a-time mindset, one step at a time throughout the day. And do post here anytime.

Take good care of yourself:

anita

April 18, 2016 at 10:18 am #102133

Anne
Participant

Thank you. I am really struggling. Feeling waves of tremendous relief and waves of sickening grief. I also find myself still hoping he will show up here.

April 18, 2016 at 10:27 am #102135

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

I understand your hoping he will show up. If I was you, I would be hoping the same thing. It is difficult to accept … difficult realities. Be strong and endure the sickening grief the best you can. Please feel free to post, expressing your feelings as they are. They are all okay, all acceptable, all carry valid messages such as you needing to be loved and have a good partner in life.

anita

April 18, 2016 at 2:21 pm #102168

Anne
Participant

I am going back and re-reading these responses because they are giving me strength. I know it’s all so fresh, but I can’t remember feeling this heartbroken before. Even when my 12 year marriage ended.
I’m trying to see the relationship with a real lens and not overly rosy or dark. Although in retrospect, I DID cry nearly daily from disappointment and living in limbo. That is a truth. I have to remember that in my week moments.

April 18, 2016 at 6:42 pm #102182

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

Good idea to increase tunnel vision and see the bigger picture.

Since I started my Healing Path I experienced lots of emotional pain and I still do. Along the way I asked myself countless times: what’s the point of going through this healing if I still experience pain. Over time I became calmer but didn’t notice. The changes are very slow and very gradual. Somehow when you make good choices for yourself, choices that fit reality (and not fantasy), that kind of pain is a different kind of pain. There is hope at the end of the tunnel when you see reality as is and respond accordingly. On the other hand when you hang on fantasy, the pain is the same, no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you feel better when he said “the right things” and then back to the pain when he didn’t follow through with action.

Reality pain takes you somewhere better. Fantasy pain keeps you stuck on and on and on.

Please do post anytime.

anita

April 19, 2016 at 6:55 am #102205

Anne
Participant

I’m finding myself repeating the statement “I know this is for the best”. My insides ache for him to appear and admit all of his personality flaws and fix this. But that is neither realistic or for the best. The other side of me wants him to know that he needs to stay away. Our last contact was Sunday night via text message when I told him it was really over and not to contact me.

I’m left with thinking of my life in a whole new way. I thought we would be moving from Texas to New York so I turned down job offers here (regret) and am in a job I love, but now without the possibility of dual income, I am in a financial pickle. I have debt from traveling to visit him. I feel like my life needs a jump start and if he shows back up I’m going to backtrack and start this process again.

Tonight will be the first night I am alone as my children spend Tuesday nights at their father’s house. I am full of anxiety and dread.

April 19, 2016 at 7:13 am #102206

Anonymous
Guest

Dear annema:

I am not sure I understand the sentence “if he shows back up I’m going to backtrack and start this process again”- what process?

Tuesday night, tonight, the first you are alone. A hot bath? Calming music?

It is a great shame that there are people who do not follow through with what they say, and again and again. I am careful to follow through with what I say. I feel that I owe it to people, to do what I said I will do. Do you understand this mindset of not following through, repeatedly, and watching you invest in the relationship with him and still, not following through?

anita
Author

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