It’s funny how my comments are judged as inappropriate if they don’t tell you what you want to hear.  I read *EVERY* word you wrote just as much as the other people who responded but you only shot down the comments that were trying to get your to cut through the nonsense. I pointed out a lot of things jump out as obviously dysfunctional and you took them as a personal attack.  You get bent out of shape because it is the harsh truth you obviously don’t want to face.  I can see from your follow up comments that you only value “advice” that tells you to keep wondering and analyzing even though a million tangible and obvious signs point to this “relationship” being a waste of your time and energy.  I think you are desperately seeking any microscopic nugget of hope  and are making up stories in your head and a narrative to hold on to that hope.

You don’t understand men – if they want you to know you’re special THEY WILL TELL YOU.  If you’re “confused” or it’s back and forth or hot and cold that’s a sign he’s not as into you as you want him to be.  Women who get obsessed with a man often like the confusion because there’s just enough good and positive stuff to outweigh the bad or confusing stuff….all while he never fully commits.   So you’re going to analyze this “relationship” to death so you can keep wondering and waiting for that moment that unfortunately, is never going to come.

Re:  “I don’t know what to think Anita, as I go back and forth between feeling like he only sees it short-term, to also being confused by some of the things he says and some of the actions he makes. Also these new revelations seems to discredit what you have said in the past, no? I Do you still believe that he has trouble opening up with people because of his parents, or do you think it is just me he has trouble doing this with.”  <<—— This is classic “confused” woman trying to analyze a man’s actions to find some tiny shred of hope.

Re:  “Therefore he would need to seek out other women to reinforce that I am truly not or truly am what he is looking for.”   <—- NOPE, that’s definitely not true.  I’m not sure how much experience you have actually dating but a person can DEFINITELY know someone is not the one without dating others to compare them to.  This is just another method you have of tricking yourself into believing that there’s hope and he might “Come around” to pick you after he’s tried other women. No, it’s not going to happen.

Re: “I also don’t think he would’ve been so distraught at the idea of losing me over the summer. He was severely depressed for the weeks that we weren’t talking or seeing each other much. I feel like men who have not really wanted to be with me and have been fine to move on and seem to feel relief when it’s over.”   <<—–This (again) is you trying to make up something that isn’t there to hold on to that sliver of hope (again).  You’re trying to act like he’s not in touch with his emotions and that his angst might be a sign of how much he loves you and can’t admit it.

Re:  “I’m confused as to why he would want to come to my family’s house and get involved with them again if he only sees it as short term”   <—–  Men do this all the time. He likes your company enough to be involved to a certain level but he won’t make a full commitment.   This is the “placeholder” concept I tried to tell you about earlier that you ignored.  And here it is happening again.

Re:  “black and white.”  Some things in life ARE black and white.  Yes, really.

Since this is a BUDDHA / Buddhism site study the concept of ATTACHMENT:  You’re not willing to let go.  You’re wayyyyyyyy too attached to a fantasy in your head of what you want and not accepting the reality of what IS.

LIFE LESSON:  When a man leaves you “confused” it’s a BIG RED FLAG that he’s not the one. When a man is crazy about a woman he tells her, his actions will match his words, he won’t be hot & cold, he won’t pull back …and you won’t have to chase him.
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But it ALL comes down to this:  ““He keeps saying that (he) loves me, in a way, but I am not his one and only. He says it so robotically that I don’t know how to believe it”- he said it robotically- robots do not have intuition.”

If he is telling you right to your face that you are not “The One” –  believe him.  It doesn’t matter what his tone of voice was.  Stop doing the analyzing that women trying to find an “out” or mixed message that will give you a sliver of hope.   Yet your comment of “I don’t know how to believe it” means you’re trying to read something “Confusing” into it to hold on to that hope.
HE”S TELLING YOU YOU’RE NOT THE ONE.  That’s the truth.

You’re FAR Too emotionally involved with him to see this clearly but his honesty is a gift.  It’s a sign to stop investing and move on to someone who will value you.  You have to understand and accept that a person can love you (on varying levels) but not want to fully commit EVER.  It happens ALL the time.  That’s you.

The only thing left in all of this with you and him is figuring out how you can let go.

I’m sure you’ll flag this response too since it isn’t sweet and fluffy and giving you hope but if you took a hard look at how much wondering and confusion you’re CONSTANTLY dealing with you’d know I’m right.

You’ve written enough to fill a small novel about a man who won’t fully commit and that was obvious all along.  Do you really not understand what is happening here?   I think you’ll be here in 2021 grasping on to the slightest positive sign while you continue in your “confusion” about this man and his intentions.

You may not be old enough or mature enough to know this but that is NOT love.

“I have been thinking a lot about why he rejects the commitment, and I do agree that it seems to be a lack of self esteem on his part and the belief that perhaps if he lets me in that I will abandon/reject him.”

It’s because you’re not The One.

“I do wonder about his past and if he was ever cheated on. He still has not disclosed anything about prior relationships, but has opened up in other ways slightly.”

You’re not his shrink.  You don’t need to analyze his past to get him to love you.

“It’s strange. The way he has weaved himself into my life. The way he cares about insignificant things. ”

You’re obviously trying to interpret this as some “hidden” love he has for you but that you think he won’t admit. That’s wrong.  When a man loves a woman she doesn’t need to hyper-analyze his actions for hidden clues of love.  He simply tells her and shows it. 

“But I dare not ask questions. I still feel extremely connected to him and even more so after all of this time. The more I look back on our story, the more fated it seems. I remember how I felt before I even met him. I just saw his picture and I thought “that’s my one”.

This statement just shows that since you feel this way everything he does is incorrectly colored by your “fated to be together” interpretation.

““Lately he has been especially romantic, taking me on dates, taking time off of work for me”- one would think that it means that this is leading to a long-term relationship, but what if him being especially romantic etc., is possible for him because it is clear in his mind that this is a short-term relationship.”

Here you go again wanting to see romance in everything he does. You seem to lack a fundamental understanding that a man can be great IN THE MOMENT but still know deep down that he won’t marry you or you’re not ‘The One.’   I cannot stress enough that he very likely sees you as a placeholder (someone to enjoy) as he travels along in life waiting for “The One” or someone who knocks him off his feet.  Believe me, if he meets her, he’ll drop you and stop “Acting” like a boyfriend.

** IT DOES NOT MATTER IF A MAN IS ACTING LIKE A BOYFRIEND IF HE HAS NOT MADE YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND.  **   Titles and real commitment matter way more than acting like a boyfriend. 

“I also recently had a bit of a pregnancy scare, and he reacted rather well. He just said it would be my decision and he would support me. Now when my period is a bit late, he says “oh do we have one on the way”… He said the only thing that scares him about it, is that he doesn’t know how to talk to babies.”

OMG  – USE CONDOMS!!!  Do you really want to be having kids with men who are not committed to you?  That is really not wise.   Why does it matter what he thinks if he wouldn’t be the father?  Did you tell him about the “scare” to see if he would get jealous?  He obviously didn’t get jealous at all.  << ---- That's a sign he's not invested in you deeply.  He doesn't care if you sleep with other men or have kids with them.  I think you'll ignore this though.

” Something that is truly yours cannot be lost. If you need to hold on to it, you’re grasping and it will be manipulated into something that isn’t true”

But you just said you thought you were “FATED” to be together.  I think you pretend to be casual and cool about things not working out but really you’re hyper-attached and are going to hang on until he hits you in the face with a frying pan screaming “I don’t love you!!!!”   I think that’s the only way you’ll wake up and realize it’s never going to be a real committed relationship again.

I think you’ll reject this “Advice” and come back with another 20 examples of how he’s “acting like a boyfriend” and how “confused” you are and how you’ll psycho-analyze him until the end of time hoping he’ll wake up one day and declare his formal love for you.

It’s not going to happen and writing 3000 more words about it won’t change that.  Sorry.

Dear Michelle:

I am not surprised that you are familiar with his attachment styles and aware of his particular one. Regarding his sister telling you that she had a good childhood and that “she also doesn’t understand how he views their parents marriage as being so poor”- that’s very, very common that children and adult children view their childhoods as good when it was not. Children apply convenient (make-believe/ nostalgic) thinking so to feel better, and unless corrected, this thinking extends to adulthood.

‘It’s perception, right?”- an inaccurate, and sometimes very inaccurate perception, does not make it reality. A person can not pick and choose reality based on what he or she prefers it to be. Reality is what it is.

Regarding the recent messages you received from another member- I want to attend to them because there is a lot there to learn from. First, I want to address the delivery: it is rough/ aggressive- I am sorry for this rough “gift” presented to you just on time for Christmas.

The following makes her delivery aggressive, she:

(1) uses LARGE capital uppercase letters- looks like she is screaming in your face,

(2) uses bold print- similar to the first,

(3) uses You-s repeatedly with attached critical/ disapproving messages:  “You only shot down… You get bent out of shape… you only value ‘advice’…This (again) is you trying to make up something… You’re trying to act like.. You’re wayyyyyyy too attached to a fantasy…. You’re not willing to let go… you’ll reject this ‘Advice'”- feels likes an accusing/ disapproving finger pointing at your face, again and again,

(4) uses sarcasm (using words that show irritation, meant to insult a person): “It’s funny how my comments are judged”,

(5) uses aggressive/ violent verbs: “you only shot down the comments… cut through the nonsense… You get bent out of shape”,

(6) is being argumentative: “I read *EVERY* word you wrote just as much as the other people… But you just said you thought you were ‘FATED’… This is the ‘placeholder’ concept I tried to tell you about earlier that you ignored“,

(7) is insulting otherwise: “I’m not sure how much experience you have actually dating… Do you really not understand what is happening here?… You may not be old enough or mature enough to know this… You seem to lack a fundamental understanding“,

(8) she is throwing a temper tantrum- the whole three posts are a temper tantrum, except for the one word that closed the long tantrum: “Sorry”.

(9) she presents herself as The authority figure, a god of sorts that is all-knowing, having monopoly of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, able to read people’s minds/ know people’s unstated intents and able to predict the future: “the harsh truth you obviously don’t want to face… you’ll be here in 2021 grasping on to the slightest… if he meets her, he’ll drop you… it’s never going to be a real committed relationship… It’s not going to happen..”.

(10)  is inaccurate: a. she quoted me and assigned those quotes to you, b. she went on a tangent with a Fictional account of you trying to make him jealous and him not caring if you sleep with other men.

* I want to continue with a second post shortly.

anita

Dear Michelle:

How are you???

anita