Hah, Anita. It could all well be true that she is leaving it open ended as to have me consult her again in the future. The thing is that she has not done this in the past. I see her once every 5 years about and in the past she has told me the opposite of what she believed I’d want to hear. It usually rang true in the end.

I went for a long walk in the forest today as I used to do and it was extremely healing. It always helps to mirror what I know inside to be true. I felt some loss and the beginning of letting go. Through walking meditation it did bring up the question of expectations and clinging. I know this may sound silly, but is it possible that I created suffering for me and him through my own clinging to expectations of what should be for us. Is it possible that it wasn’t the situation that was creating suffering, but my own clinging. It’s hard to know if it’s wrong to have the expectations that I do, or if I really need to see them all dissolve to find true peace. My psychic did say this “2021 is also a year for you to work on intuitive development and your own emotional growth. You will generally enjoy ***’s company but the usual fear of getting hurt will dissipate. You will find that you are less intimidated and more willing to be yourself and that is what builds the connection.” I feel that there is a lot of truth in that. That disallowing myself to be authentic is really what was causing a lot of stress for me and the relationship. I just don’t know if there was a way I could’ve stripped down the bare me, but still continued to possibly advance with him.

So there was a question posed in response to one of the articles on this site about loving without expecting others to fill a void. I really wish it could be answered, because this is what I am battling with. How to manage expectations vs just having needs that aren’t of the egoic self.

“Hi Audrey, I understand what you wrote about boundaries and being aware of violations, while still allowing someone to be themselves. What about unconscious violations. What if the person is not as emotionally developed as you are and you feel like a deep connection is lacking. What if this person lacks self-love, can they love you? Can you still give love freely to them and set the example, or do you decide that you just don’t have the connection that is needed to continue growing together. Can two people really ever grow at the same rate?

Should you continue to love someone who does not love you at the same rate? stay in the relationship with them?”

I mean I know this is what we’ve been questioning and we’ve broken down reasons for why he may not be able to love, but does that mean I was right to remove my love because he was not meeting my expectations?

But what about unconditional love, loving someone despite the reciprocation. Isn’t the need to be loved in return what causes suffering, having that expectation?

I think he feels that I removed my love, because I decided to remove myself from the situation that he had grown accustomed to… Being with me without having any restrictions really placed on him.

Thank you for your input Rose of Yellow. It is never too late to join a pity party! Haha. Poor Anita has been bearing the brunt of all of this. She has helped me to navigate my attachment and detachment from this man skillfully.

It has been almost two weeks since I’ve seen him now, and time is flying by. I am no longer immersed in the grief of it. You are right, time will give me more clarity. It’s strange though, as in the past time has allowed me to release people that are no longer really “there”. I don’t mean physically, I mean I can tell when someone has let me go as well. I’ve been meditating on this man, and oddly we still seem attached. He’s still sort of “there”.

I am doing my best to view the situation rationally and see him for who he is and what the relationship would be. I know that a relationship would not work between us now and I have since become more immersed in things that I have been ignoring. Still I find it odd that he’s still sort of lingering spiritually. I feel like I listened more to everyone else’s feelings regarding us (including his), more than I listened to my own. I know our connection is not once sided, but he will continue to refuse the deepening of it, and he does not really see its value at this time. I feel like he will still be in my life, though I’m not sure of the capacity of it.

Anita. Thanks for your reply. You are forever helpful, even in your less focused states, as you put it.

He makes mention of me seeing other men often. I usually do not say anything when he questions me. Sometimes I say I am only seeing him. I’ve been thinking of reiterating the fact that I am not going to be dating anyone else.

I have not been encouraging him to get closer to his mom or dad, but I have encouraged him to move out when he can and be there more for his sister and his nephews. More recently he went over to his sister’s late at night (she lives 40 mins from me). Her husband had been drinking and she wasn’t comfortable with how he was speaking to her. He went over at 8pm, after having already been in bed because he gets up so early and called me afterwards and came and slept here. That was also a very intimate family thing to share with me.

Just to be clear, the joke I made about the guy in the park, was only because he had a bottle of sparkling water that I like. I didn’t mean to say that he was my dream man because he possessed any real attractive qualities. It was him who elaborated on the fact that he looked like an emotional man, and he can’t himself be emotional.

I never bring up commitment or labelling the relationship anymore and I don’t plan to. Either we will fall into a relationship over time with the investment we are making, or we will go our separate ways. There is nothing to part to at the moment. I’m not moving away, I don’t have anyone else I’d like to see etc. I feel as though ultimatums confirm his fear that I will leave, and because his subconscious desires this in a way, he is likely to allow me to leave, to confirm that love is ultimately too painful and abandoning.

How are you Anita?

I am just seeing these posts from Chickadee33 now. I am also seeing that they were flagged for inappropriate content. These replies to what I feel were vulnerable and thoughtful posts about a very difficult relationship that I have been experiencing, were judgmental, hasty, and quite insulting. Unlike Anita who spent the time to thoroughly consider what I was experiencing and what he might also be experiencing, it seems that Chickadee33 took it upon herself to place blame, and also imagine that she has the ultimate insight into what is really going on between me and this man. She quite kindly broke it down into a case of desperate woman (me) vs. user (man I am seeing). If this were 10 months ago, I might even stop to consider whether or not her view had credibility. As I wrote throughout this relationship, I have spoken of attachment issues I feel I have and how allowing the relationship to unfold unconventionally and at a natural pace, has allowed me to see what is truly unfolding and what could unfold. It has been a practice in non-attachment if anything. I am in a relationship that is said to have no future, and yet, we have been moving along into the future quicker and quicker, picking up speed. This entire time, he has been as equally pursuant of me, as I have been him. There was a short time when I tried to break things off for good, that he was not happy to see me, but I was worried about his mental health at that time for other reasons and so I did try to make more contact with him than he did me. There really has never been a man who has SHOWN me with actions how much he wants me in his life. I have been a watcher throughout our relationship as much as a participant, and I can see the struggles that he faces, as much as Anita has also helped me to understand them with her unique empathetic insight. I do not see the world in black and white, and thus at times I will be naive, but I’d rather be a bit naive, rather than cold and unfeeling and ruthless. I am not a fool for loving, I would be a fool for wanting. But I no longer wish for the loving in return, I just let what is, BE. The loving comes through in it’s own unique way. I don’t believe that a man who wished to use me and had no interest for me in his life would continue to spend all of his time with me. He comes to see more than I go to see him. I don’t believe he’d ask me to spend the holidays with him and his family, or make plans with me to go places in the new year. I have no interest in convincing anyone to be with me, nor do I think he will magically decide to be if I follow him around long enough. I am happy to just be with him. If he was using me, this would assume manipulation, which would be hard to do, since my eyes are very clearly open.

It’s a reminder of how easy it is to judge something from the outside, that might appear like it has a black and white appearance, when really it’s coloured with all shades of the rainbow.

I’ve been to therapy, if you’re really that interested. My therapist has said, sometimes the lesson isn’t for you, sometimes it takes someone open, patient and kind, to teach someone what love is; sometimes I am doing the teaching, even if I don’t mean or want to take on that role.

I think that Anita and I already discussed a little bit about why I might be seeking out men who have a hard time committing, or maybe her insight led me to consider that on my own. It could be that I am attracted to men who reinforce the idea that I will be abandoned. Sometimes our psyches want to prove that they’re right. Part of it comes down to feeling worthy of love too. If I keep giving love to others, who can’t give back, then maybe i don’t have to receive it, because am I worthy to receive it? I am not beyond considering my own self destructive behaviours and unconscious thought patterns. Maybe you missed the part where I said I have a degree in psych… I am psychoanalytic to a t.

I kind of wish it were as simple as what you reduced it to Chickadee33. I have been asking myself why it seems to bother others, in my life as well. Namely my estranged brother, etc. Some make judgments out of a protective nature, some because they are angry with themselves for having fallen victim to what they believe are the same patterns, some need to project anger… Myriad of reasons. Some people feel threatened I think, by something that does not fit in a tidy little box.

I truly believe now more than ever, that I can’t lose what isn’t really mine, so while I feel a strong connection to this man, I don’t need to hold onto that. It just exists there as it does, and will dissolve if it has served its purpose. Will you cause me to question and waver on what I have had the distinct pleasure to witness over a year and a half? Something unexpected and beautiful blossoming out of a relationship that was said to have an expiration date long ago? Life is swift and changing and it changes you. You change people and they change you. Wouldn’t we all be so lucky just to labelled users and those who are used.. I feel as though I’ve had those kind of relationships in the past, and they were always short lived with no depth. No love, no care, nothing binding. My current relationship feels like a sheep dressed in a wolf’s clothing. People have told me it’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing.. .and over time they’ve slowly changed their minds. I think the hardest part about judgement from others is that you start to lose sight of what you see as true, you start to question your own sanity. It’s hard believe your own intuition sometimes, especially when you know the faith in it could hurt you. Your mind wants to protect itself from any kind of damage. It takes a lot of faith to go against your own mind.

I’m getting a little abstract now. But thank you Chickadee33 for passing judgement and reinforcing just how much the steady rushing river can block out all of that mindless chatter.