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Emotionally restrictive/abusive relationship?

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  • December 30, 2015 at 11:07 pm #91017
    Dee
    Participant

    Dear Kenny

    Though I understand that you are gentle by nature and have trouble identifying boundaries, let me tell you, everyone needs space. Extroverts and introverts all included. This is how we grow. Being out of a restricting relationship not very long ago, I can very well connect to you. The first step is to identify the problem. You know that you are in a relationship that is hampering your growth. The next step is asking yourself whether you can do anything about it. How much control do you have so that you might change things? Honestly answer the questions like whether you will like to share the rest of your life with a person who leaves you no scope for growth? Is it worth it? You are already playing the victim by accepting her reasoning. Would you rather be in a bond where there are different standards set for both of you? Or would you go for a relationship that is based on the values you share and equality? Meditate on these questions for some time. Only you, my friend, only you can help yourself.

    Best,
    Dee

    PS: I am typing this from a small 4 inch screen device which makes it super hard to go back to the message and edit. Kindly ignore typo if any 😊

    December 31, 2015 at 8:02 am #91029
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenny:

    Your last lines: “it doesn’t pay to be a nice guy? Some would advise to leave her, but emotionally and psychologically, I do not know how to leave, somewhere within me, carries some hope for the better”

    It does not pay YOU to be a nice guy to a person who is not nice to you. It pays her, not you.

    She wants you to not consider YOU in relationship with her (you wrote: “she asked me if I am able to love her wholeheartedly, putting myself away from the equation since true love is sacrifice). So… she wants you to consider her well being and not yours. A relationship should be a win-win situation. What she wants is a lose-win, that is LOSE for you, win for her. She wants none of you, all of her.

    And you have been accommodating her. Understandably, you are gasping for air. It is unhealthy for you to … put your own self out of the equation of life.

    You know on some level that this is not healthy, otherwise you wouldn’t write that you don’t know how to leave. This means to me that you considered leaving but you are having a difficulty leaving. You prefer to be suffocated than to leave. You find refuge in the hope that things will get better (magical thinking because nothing is going toward better, you accommodating her is only supporting the way things are), and you stay.

    It must be something very scary that keeps you in a gasping-for-air situation. Maybe the clue is in what you believe what her girlfriends meant by “I am not capable enough to be a player” – what does it mean to you?

    What are you afraid of?

    What in your childhood was similar to the situation you are in now?

    anita

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