fbpx
Menu

Emotionally Distant or just Cautious?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Emotionally Distant or just Cautious?

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • July 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm #38121
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    This is my first post so here goes.

    I’m in a relationship with a man and quite frankly he confuses me. We get along very well. We both wish we could see each other more often, but our work schedules and familial responsibilities always wreck havoc with our planning.

    He is very responsible man taking care of aging parents, working full time AND being in a successful band. This is a nice contrast to my ex who was essentially an alcoholic adolescent. I work a full time job as well.

    Anyway again he and I email and text each other AT LEAST several times a day. We see each other as often as our schedules will allow. Through all my life issues whether it be money or health or just having a crap day one he will call and just listen patiently and its always without judgement or unsolicited advice He has done more for my self confidence that anyone I have ever met.. He is kind and patient and very encouraging.

    My issue is whenever we are intimate before we say goodbye to each other he asks me “who do you belong to?” (no he doesn’t mean it in the misogynist way) and he says that he belongs to me. What bothers me is he seems so emotionally guarded at times. I have called him on it and he has told me he was hurt very badly in the past and is since then he is VERY cautious, admitting maybe too cautious.I laughed because I at times am VERY impulsive and I thought we would balance each other out nicely. He asked me please to be patient with him that he wants to take this slowly and build the relationship. He won’t tell me what happened yet . But he did tell me he has trouble discussing it and that he will tell me in time.

    We have known each other for six months. I know patience is not my strong suit. Am I being impatient now?

    July 7, 2013 at 1:29 pm #38125
    Matt
    Participant

    Alexa,

    It sounds like he has some insecurity about intimacy, and as you remain heartfelt in your communication, the insecurity will perhaps settle. It is difficult to jump in after we have been hurt, and instead of just trusting, we question.

    “Is it safe to love you?” “Will I be hurt?” His question seems awkwardly phrased, but I’m trusting your interpretation. The only response needed is your heartfelt creativity in pouring back to him whatever assurances seem right to you. Trust love!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 7, 2013 at 1:45 pm #38126
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thanks for answering so quickly.

    I don’t know how to assure him that I won’t hurt him. I am very extroverted and he is quite the introvert. Sometimes I feel like I am coaxing a rabbit out of a hole.

    He tells me that I am warm, loving and luscious and that no one has EVER affected him like I do. That he feels like a kid with a crush again. I think he is as confused as I am. Your answer of :

    “Is it safe to love you?” “Will I be hurt?” His question seems awkwardly phrased, but I’m trusting your interpretation.

    Do you feel that is what he is saying to me but not in so many words? He has admitted that he is “cautious” about sharing too much. What I do know about his past bad experience is that he was intimate with someone and that it went VERY wrong. It even resulted in him having to take legal action and that as a result he was very hurt.

    Thank you again,
    Alexa

    July 7, 2013 at 3:18 pm #38129
    Matt
    Participant

    Alexa,

    That is what his question sounds like to me in not so many words. The phrasing continues to fester in my mind, because asking you to become a possession is… not ideal.

    In terms of coaxing a rabbit out of a hole, patience patience patience. I have heard it described like helping a flower bloom. We pour our love and acceptance like water and rain, and wait for the flower to open. If we become impatient, we try to pull the petals out and can too easily rip the bud apart.

    What to say to that question is up to your heart. What I do with my wife is just say exactly what comes to heart. Much like when we injure our hand our other hand moves to soothe it, when people we love are hurt our heart moves to soothe them. Trust that!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 7, 2013 at 3:43 pm #38130
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you again.I will do my best to be patient. I wish I had HIS patience, as it’s not exactly my forte. I guess learning patience NOW is kind of ironic.

    I really doesnt mean “who do you belong to” like that. We say it to each other. It’s usually after we have our alone intimate time together. It’s kind of out of context. To go into more detail would be ummm indiscreet.

    I will keep your flower analogy in my head.

    Alexa

    July 8, 2013 at 8:49 pm #38232
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Alexa

    I think extroverts have a hard time understanding introverts. I can’t say the same in reverse. The extroverts have us outnumbered so we get a lot of time observing them.

    Introverts are guarded with their feelings and emotions, hence we internalize things. We feel things very deeply. Don’t push to hard. He will come around in time. Be loving and patient. When he feels secure and ready he’ll come around. When he does trust that it comes from a deep place inside him. When we love, we love hard.

    July 9, 2013 at 6:11 am #38250
    Alexa Stewart
    Participant

    Lara,

    Thank you so much for your valuable insight. I guess you introverts must feel like Dian Fossey at a game reserve. LOL

    I am very extroverted and he has told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. He’s right I really do. I guess the combination of his being an introvert and having been so hurt in the past are making for a double whammy of sorts.

    I just wish I was better at being patient. I care for him a great deal and hopefully in time he will be comfortable enough to feel the same way.

    Thank you Lara

    Alexa

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.