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Emotionally absent boyfriend and mixed signals

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  • April 11, 2017 at 9:22 am #144551
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months. I’ve tried to exercise a lot of patience throughout our relationship in regard to emotional intimacy. He has openly admitted he feels very uncomfortable talking about “deep conversations,” like: past relationships, talking about the future, and past mishaps (friendships unraveling, etc…). I told him it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, but talking about these topics at least a little may help us feel closer and strengthen our bond as a couple. He agreed, but when I bring up these subjects he doesn’t engage in them. He gives short responses and does not ask me any questions.

    In our 10 months of dating he has only said he loved me once completely out of the blue. He does say he loves me, but it’s only when we are hugging good-bye. I told him it made me feel great when he said he loved me on a random occasion and I would absolutely welcome it more often. He made the effort to say it randomly the day after that conversation… and then never again.

    We text on days when we don’t see each other and he does not flirt in text. He doesn’t type out messages saying he loves me and he rarely calls me names like “hun” or “babe.” Last night I worked up the courage to text him, “Enjoy the rest of your night! I wish I was lying in your bed next to you right now (insert ‘kissing emoji face’).” All he said back was, “You too. Enjoy the night sleeping with the cooler weather.” I texted him back that I was attempting to flirt with him and I felt shut down because it wasn’t acknowledged or reciprocated. He then turned on the charm saying “I’m sorry babe, I’m really bad at text message flirting, I love you lots…” then he proceeded to say some pretty flirty things.

    This is what frustrates me. I know he’s capable of saying I love you out of the blue. He is capable of engaging in conversation even if it is a little out of his comfort zone. He’s also capable of calling me babe and flirting with me.

    I feel he isn’t making a conscious effort to continue to do any of these things and I don’t understand why. I have asked him and he always says: “I’m just not the type… I’m just feel uncomfortable…”

    Maybe he doesn’t have as strong of feelings as I do for him? Or maybe he legitimately wants a relationship where the emotional interaction is kept at an absolute minimum?

    I’m starting to get tired of communicating my feelings, seeing him make a single attempt at effort, and then it stopping all-together and regressing back to our emotionless interactions. He would be content eating dinner and having short conversations about light topics like movies that are coming out, a concert he’s interested in seeing, or a meeting he had at work.

    I don’t know. I’m lost with this one.

    April 11, 2017 at 9:47 am #144555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    He is uncomfortable, just like he said he was. And I am sure there is a valid reason for his discomfort with saying I-love-you at random times and otherwise flirting and talking about past relationships, and so forth.

    I don’t know the reason, but here is a wild guess to explain my point:

    let’s say his mother was a bit emotionally incestuous with him, trying to make up for her loneliness, for the lack of intimacy with her husband by getting inappropriately close with her son (your boyfriend). Let’s say she told him I-love-you a whole lot and demanded that he tells her that he loves her too. Let’s say he forced himself to say it but felt great distress saying it. Let’s say she inappropriately flirted with him, in subtle ways. Let’s say she proceeded to tell him intimate details about her relationship with his father. And he hated it.

    Then you come along and he has these strong neuropathways. He is definitely motivated- as do all animals- to avoid distress and so he doesn’t say I-love-you randomly, he doesn’t flirt, he doesn’t talk about past relationships.

    Can’t blame him…

    anita

    April 11, 2017 at 10:44 am #144583
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    During one of our conversations he said he grew-up in a family that didn’t have deep conversations and they didn’t say I love you often, so he feels most comfortable continuing this communication style. I guess it’s apparent this is who he is. I was trying to communicate (as my therapist suggested) the types of things that would make me feel valued and fulfilled in a partnership and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be willing to work with me.

    It’s unfortunate because I want this to work because I love him a lot and in the moments when he has made that extra little bit of effort, I feel many positive emotions: fulfillment, gratitude, connection, and a deeper love.

    So I guess it comes down to “is this something I can be with him and accept?” or “are we not compatible and there may come a time when I need to move on?”

    April 11, 2017 at 11:23 am #144595
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    There really should be a compromise on both sides, that is, some intimae communication that will be adequate for you and tolerable (not too distressing) for him.

    Of course, if you want an emotionally expressive guy who will shower you with I-love-yous, he is not the one. But be prepared for the possibility that if you left him and found that expressive guy, that the expressive guy would be too expressive for you, smothering perhaps. A possibility.

    anita

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