Hi, Butterfly.

As one who has experienced the push-pull cycle: the negative splitting, devaluation, projection, false accusations, blame, gaslighting, hiding, lies (to me, and about me to others), anger, hatefulness, being ignored, ghosting, and multiple “endings” of the relationship associated with the push cycle; and the positive splitting, and sham of mirroring and idealization, and the apparently sincere love and desire for intimacy associated with the pull cycle, I can say that I definitely felt, and definitely was, emotionally abused. The fact that her behavior was facilitated by a personality disorder did not mitigate her culpability in the matter, and it didn’t make it any less wrong or damaging. Abuse is abuse.

Would you agree?

All of the things I liked about her, and all of the good times she and I had together, the wonderfully close, intimate, perhaps even sublime moments we shared (at least as far as I felt them) also did not negate her abuse of me, or mitigate the damaging effects her abuse had on me and the relationship. All of her behaviors and actions (negative and positive, constructive and destructive) must be considered when weighing the benefit of her being in my life. In her case, I don’t need to look any further than her intentional abuse of me to know that the relationship was not beneficial.

Do you see your situation differently?

As I mentioned in one of my previous replies, in my research of personality disorders, I found that folks with such disorders are known to misrepresent their past experiences to gain and exploit sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Along with this, they may also claim life threatening or terminal illnesses to achieve the same ends. If you did not see any kind of evidence that he has a deadly disease e.g. written diagnoses from doctors, doctor bills for procedures related to the illness, the pattern of regular, on-going therapies or treatments related to the illness, or on-going prescriptions for medications related to the illness, I suggest you consider the claim with healthy skepticism.

If he does indeed have a deadly disease, that still doesn’t excuse abuse, or mitigate its effects.

Regarding the possibility of you being able to return to being friends with him, or starting over, I can only use my own experiences with my ex-girlfriend to consider the benefit of those possibilities for you. From my point of view, the only way being friends or starting over would ever be a beneficial thing would be for her to make HUGE strides in her therapy, and for her to have fully functioning coping skills that she diligently used. Even then, those things wouldn’t happen overnight, or any time soon. The earliest I could imagine that happening would be five or more years down the road. Since she claimed to dislike her therapy, and claimed that it didn’t do her any good, and claimed to have no faith in it, and that she didn’t want to put the effort into it anymore, I predict that in reality it would take much more than five years, possibly 10 or more years, for her to be able to function positively and constructively in a mutually beneficial relationship with me, as friends or more. Until then, however, there would be no benefit for me to be in a relationship of any kind with her. She would still be unable to control her destructive and abusive behavior. Add to that the fact that I am still mourning the loss of the illusion of our love, and that I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over that, I seriously doubt that any good would come of us starting over before she is “well.”

What are your thoughts regarding the possibilities of him being able to participate in a mutually beneficial relationship with you?

Until the relationship has a very real possibility of being a non-abusive, beneficial thing for you, based on the above, and the things I asked you to consider in my previous responses to you, and for what it may be worth, I continue to encourage you maintain no contact with him.

CMI

Dear Butterfly:

Did you make it up, that your ex boyfriend has a deadly disease? As your effort to feel more comfortable about re-connecting with him, perhaps? I am asking because him having a deadly disease is not congruent with your previous posts where you wrote that you had long plans for him and you, a happily-ever-after future.

If so, and if you feel uncomfortable about having misrepresented the truth this way, please return to your thread. I will not negatively criticize you for having done so. If your struggle continues, I would like to attempt yet again to be helpful.

anita

Dear Butterfly:

In Wikipedia it reads about sickle cell disease (SCD): “The average life expectancy in the developed world is 40 to 60 years…The terms “‘sickle-cell crisis’ or ‘sickling crisis’ may be used to describe several independent acute conditions occurring in patients with SCD. SCD results in anemia and crises that could be of many types…(that)last between five and seven days” One of those crises is “The vaso-occlusive crisis” where the sickle-shaped red blood cells obstruct capillaries and restrict blood flow to an organ resulting in ischaemia (inadequate blood supply to an organ), pain, necrosis, and often organ damage” A second most common complication for people with SCD is “Acute chest syndrome” which “is defined by at least two of the following signs or symptoms: chest pain, fever, pulmonary infiltrate or focal abnormality, respiratory symptoms, or hypoxemia(oxygen deficiency).”

Butterfly, his disease is very serious, not only for shortening a person’s life but in the quality of life. If he has been suffering from those crises, and knowing there is no cure for his disease, of course, this disease would have a huge affect and effect on his attitude and behaviors.

Keep in mind that he is a physically sick man who needs calm in his life. We talked about the Roller-Coaster Dynamic before. It is not good for him either to be on such a ride. So not only do you owe yourself to stay away from him, but you owe him the same as well. Having relationship trouble is not good for him either.

anita

Dear Butterfly:

I re-read your posts in your various threads and I have a better understanding now about what I think is going on and has been going on. You are not going to like my new understanding which is different from your presentation of the situation as well as any interpretation of it so far introduced to your threads. I will start with a summary of my understanding and proceed with your quotes and my comments:

Someone in your life, Butterfly hurt you, again and again, never taking responsibility for it to this very day. You want to express to that person how much that person hurt you- you want that person to know and be sorry and then change and be good and loving to you. You feel angry at that person but you also feel a great need for love from that person. You want that person to finally realize how deeply and badly that person hurt you, how deeply you were hurt, and once and for all BE LOVING to you!

Only this person I am referring to is not your ex boyfriend. You are only inaccurately projecting the real person (most likely a parent) into your ex boyfriend.

From my re-reading (and I didn’t read everything, but a whole lot) of your shares, you presented no evidence that your ex boyfriend was abusive to you. You did some reading about personality disorders and mentioned the terms push and pull, and you mentioned him turning “hot and cold” – but it can very well be that, like any other person, he was not equally as affectionate to you at all times. Everyone is sometimes closer, sometimes farther.

You blame him a whole lot and you don’t take responsibility for having done anything wrong to him in the relationship and at the same time, you claim that he is not taking responsibility and is blaming you.

He is sick with sickle cell anemia, yet you didn’t mention it until very recently. How can it be that a woman who loved a man so much, who still loves a man, does not introduce this fact into the story early on?

The reason is that this relationship had very little to do with who he is and everything to do with the person you projected into him, a parent, most likely, someone very significant in your early life.

And now to your quotes and my comments:

“I am almost scared that I will never… be able to express to him how much he has hurt me…”
This is your greatest passion: to let (the real person in your early life) know how much he or she hurt you, so that he or she will stop hurting you and start loving you.

“Some days the pain is crippling…”

Your shares were indeed all about your pain and nothing in your shares were about his pain, including the fact that he suffers from sickle cell anemia.

“I never did anything to hurt him…and I can’t wrap my brain around why he continually hurt me seemingly without any real remorse…I KNOW it was him and not me …I just HATE the fact that I still care deeply for someone who hurt me so bad”

No doubt you hurt him, your ex boyfriend. As a child you didn’t hurt your parent. You can’t wrap your brain around why your parent (again, most likely, a care taker) would hurt the innocent child that indeed you were.

“… So this morning he sent me three texts being mean….something he hasn’t really done before. He actually said ‘don’t bother to reply, I don’t care that much.’… now you want to ATTACK me for it?… Should I just keep him blocked and ignore his tirades? Or respond by saying there is no needs to be mean and vicious”

His text as you quoted it was not mean, vicious, a tirade or an attack. It was the text of someone hurt and angry that you are not responding to him. When he wrote: “I don’t care that much”- is not a tirade, viciousness and an attack. The fact that you interpreted this text to mean all that, leads me to think that your interpretation of his behaviors as those of a sociopath personality disorder person, are also grossly inaccurate.

“I wasted so much time with someone who is so delusional, immature and now mean…But i NEVER did anything to stress him. HE caused all the negative situations in our relationship.”

No he did not.

anita