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Emotional Cheating?

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  • March 18, 2020 at 11:57 am #343962
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mona:

    Like I wrote to you in your previous thread, you got to know him better. You rarely met him in person, as this relationship of one year was predominantly long distance. You thought of him as your partner, even though there was no partnership beyond an online communication. And that online communication was clearly lacking, you didnt really know him well.

    He told you that his purpose for his trip to his home country was to save his brother from drowning, that all his time, focus and energy was going to helping his brother, saving his brother’s life, and therefore he didn’t have the time or the energy to communicate with you with any regularity or at length. And yet, he did find the time, the focus and energy to enage with socal media, to post flirty messages on this woman’s Facebook wall (“If the coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”), and to communicate with her “on and off after the breakup” with you. Still in his home country, saving his brother from drowning.

    “I’m now focusing on moving on and if anyone has any tips and advice for kick starting the process, or any helpful words for me in support it would be much appreciated!”-

    – learn from your experience with this man, do not hand a man the title “my partner” as easily as you handed this man that title. Get to know the man first before trusting him to be honest and deserving of your trust. You will  be saving a whole lot of your time and energy this way. See to  it that your future true life partner is present in your life in-person. That he doesn’t believe (like your recent ex “partner”) that it is okay to leave any relationship at any time, for any reason, without even bothering to state a reason. You will proceed to  make better choices and a better life for yourself if you learn from your past experiences, and this is one to learn from.

    In this time of social distancing, it is difficult to socialize with others off line. So keep posting here, communicate with others online, take walks outdoors (away from people), watch movies, take hot or cold showers, read books, do what will be helpful for you to survive this difficult time (difficult for you personally because of this relationship that meant a lot to you at one time, and difficult collectively, due to the Coronavirus crisis), and let us all come  out of this difficult time healthier and wiser.

    anita

    March 18, 2020 at 12:16 pm #343968
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    It’s lovely to hear from you, you’ve been such a support to me throughout this time!

    Just for the record, He moved back to USA after he was finished helping his brother out, somewhere after February 12th, I’m not too sure of the exact date. However, yes, It does seem that he had time to spare to communicate afterwards. When I commented on this he told me he still needed space and when I asked wasn’t everything handled and we can start afresh now and talk and move past thins making sure if a similar issue arises, we would be better equipped to deal with it healthily. Unfortunately although I was willing to move forward with him, he wanted space to process his emotions as he resented that I made him feel like the bad guy and said “This is why I can’t even think of getting back together. Because you take what I say so negatively”

    I suppose once the damage is done, there’s only so much that can be done to help the situation. At the least, I’m grateful for having listened to my gut and not letting up until I found out the information I needed which really helped me get the closure I hoped for that I had done everything I could.

    All this aside, yes absolutely. There is a lot I must learn and I intend to hold myself with more value moving forwards as well. On speaking with my mother, she mentioned that unfortunately I was the kind of person who had more value than I gave myself credit for and to not sell myself short especially in a relationship.

    Thank you so much, for everything you have done to provide support, not just for me,but also for so many others here!

    Mona

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by MonaD.
    March 18, 2020 at 2:18 pm #343984
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mona:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words!

    I agree with your mother, that you should not sell yourself short in relationships. And that is what happened with this  man, you sold yourself short. I don’t know why you did that, but many of us sell ourselves short- allowing others to treat us as if we are worth-less.

    In the future, expect and require a man to treat you as the valuable person that you are; not demanding what is unrealistic, not asking the man to harm himself so to accommodate you, but asking for what will benefit both parties. So that each party to the partnership of two is giving and taking/ compromising for the common good, making the relationship overall a Win-Win situation, no one loses.

    How is the coronavirus in India (you are still living and working there, correct?)

    – I will soon be away from the computer for a while.

    anita

    March 18, 2020 at 10:28 pm #344082
    MonaD
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I will do so. I do still feel a little raw after the events of the last few days when this whole thing blew up and sometimes the emotions do rise again, but definitely not to the level they were coming to before.  I believe after everything settles, I may even remember the man once in away with affection a few years down the line. I know I can be similar to a soda bottle at times, I will get intensely angry but once I let go of it completely, my nature does not allow me to hold grudges in the long term no matter how horrible things get and I’m honestly grateful for that quality.

    I’m focusing on healing and recovering now as my mental and physical health has taken a huge toll. I feel physically weak. It’s not a very good way to be, considering the current situation.

    I am actually in Sri Lanka now. Over the past few day the number of confirmed incidents have risen dramatically. The whole country is on edge and social distancing is very much encouraged, however there are still those individuals who may not have fully grasped the seriousness of the situation and that is quite frustrating.

    I personally am working on the frontlines  and have been over the past couple of months. I am a technical and applications specialist working in a company that supplies the required testing needs for the whole of Sri Lanka. I have been travelling around the country these days to support main laboratories and hospitals nationwide in setting up their testing for the coronavirus. Being a developing country, some laboratories need a bit more support and training for their staff in terms of the technical side of genetic testing and instruments.

    I am in my mid 20s but I was fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to advance quickly in my career. I am the main person who conducts these training activities/ workshops and knowledge dissemination in the molecular biology division in my company.

    I also handle the supply/distribution part in making sure the supplies needed for testing are available. Currently all airports have been shut down and Sri Lanka depends on foreign supplies and testing kits for a majority of the country’s diagnostic testing. My company is a major supplier of these resources. If we are unable to get the supplies, there is a huge danger of running out of tests and not being able to test for suspected patients. It really is a crisis situation.

    As you can see with all this I’ve been extremelyyyyy stressed out! Really hoping the situation lightens up soon.

    I hope you are maintaining your health, immune system and wellness as well 🙂

    Mona

     

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by MonaD.
    March 19, 2020 at 8:36 am #344122
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mona:

    Amazing! I am communicating with a professional on the frontlines of the Coronavirus pandemic in Sri Lanka, being “the main person who conducts these training activities/ workshops and knowledge dissemination”, “travelling around the country these days to support and training for their staff in terms of the technical side of genetic testing and instruments”.

    Thank you for doing the work that you do, saving lives.

    I am thinking back to what I wrote to you earlier, that this man your thread is about expressed that his brother needed him so much, suggesting you didn’t. Now I am thinking that at the time (looking back in time), all of Sri Lanka needed him to give you his time and emotional support!

    Notice, I referred to him as “this man”- I don’t think he is entitled to the title (ex)-partner.

    I am so looking forward to a time when this pandemic is a thing of the past, but until it is, see to it that you don’t contact this man, that you don’t check on him on social media, so that like the soda image you mentioned, your strong emotions will continue to settle. Focus on your job and on remaining as calm as possible. Please do post here anytime, as long as it helps just a bit. I keep the computer on at least 12 hours a day (not being always in front of it), and I will be glad to read from you and reply every time you  post.

    Again, thank you for being in the frontlines, you are amazing, a Pandemic Hero.

    anita

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