Hello,

Until now I have been burdened in this life by infrequent, but intense bursts of rage and anger. I spent much time and energy constantly vigilant for this dragon that seemed to rise up out of the depths of my psyche.

I believed that something was wrong with me. That I lacked control. That I was broken beyond repair.

Again and again I resolved, “Never again will I spill this rage.” Again and again some trivial event would trigger a reaction out of proportion to the stimulus.

Finally, after 30 years my mate had had enough and I separated from my wife and family. I had long periods of being a loving husband and father, providing for them, caring for them, being in communion with them.

The rage would spill, the trust broken and I would begin again.

Finally, through intensive energy work, I began to understand that my belief that I was broken was allowing this behavior to stay rooted.

Me, my essential, Divine core is a being of pure light. This rageful parasitic component is not me.

The grief of leaving my home nearly overwhelmed me. This beast within came up to feed on the grief and fear.

Instead of pushing these intense emotions away, instead I dove into the cesspool for almost 24 hours. I felt like Gandalf fighting the Balrog in Lord of the Rings. Wrestling with this beast something happened.

At the emotions rolled through I began to witness them in a new way. I began to breathe in the realization that my identification with these emotions was fiction. I began to watch them surface and return to the depth. Over and over I began to be present to them.

I started to find myself in a state of presence while the pain was felt. From the core of me a calmness began to walk with the pain.

I don’t know how this happened. I don’t think I can teach it. I am writing this hear for someone anyone who finds themselves in a state of despair. By reading this you may find a clue to your own salvation.

Since that ‘dark night of the soul’ as one of my friends called it, I have had periods where the grief and pain resurfaces. I allow them to pour forth unencumbered, the witness still holding the vessel they pour from.

I have been triggered and the dragon rises up still. Now it is different. I know that that rage and dysfunction, the addiction to the adrenalin rush that ensues is not me. This dis-identification allows me to say “Oh I remember this, I can choose not to give this any energy.” Embracing it, recognizing it, acknowledging it, this dragon loses its form and become a handful of sand that drifts harmlessly to the beach.

It had been 2 years since my marathon wrestling match. During that time I have had no volcanic eruptions of rage and anger. My children have noticed the change and have commented on how calm I seem now.

So I write this here in this forum, knowing that writing about my experience may give hope to someone else, but also solidifies my trust in the power of the present moment to transform and bring more love into the world.

Jerry