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Egodeath in pre-adult mental illness sufferer or just the mind tricking itself a

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • May 12, 2018 at 7:29 am #206993
    Phil
    Participant

    Hey I am 18 years old, Ive been in a very bad state of mind (slightly delusional, formed a destructive identity in my mind) for 8 months now. Dont know how I pushed through though.

    I am feeling torn between two parts of me. One part sees death as only solution (very very valid feeling), the other part says nothing matters now anymore, so you can keep playing the game – thing is, the dark part wont subside then. This habit came on its own after 6 Months of Depersonalization and DR, both known to provide for awakenings. But mine spiralled from an partial awakening, to depression and ended in a split identity. This “I”, this observing spectator, this stable grounding identity, which I relied on during my anxiety days, mindfulness meditations and where I was sure, that I can do it, I will get over it, and live peacefully after this dark period, broke away. It is gone. Instead it is either total identification with ego or a somehow “inbetween” state. I dont have a grounded identity anymore, an I in which I can say that I want to live 100%, instead a submind which when it takes over, I feel like I shouldnt be living anymore and that anything I lived before is nothing but a story and nothing matters anymore (potential nihilism). No good vibes anymore, total apathy on some days where I dont know if I can even connect to people or my identity. BUT NO SYMPTOMS OF DP whatsoever. What happened? How do I know “I” want to live? Till now, I chose the part that felt more authentic to me, the peace. But this conflict creates a vacuum.

    Just imagine jumping off a cliff but without ground to hit on. I feel so lost. So not like a normal person. So crazy. I am currently in therapy, for 4 weeks now.

    May 12, 2018 at 8:15 am #207001
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    I hope your ongoing therapy significantly helps you, and soon.

    If you would like (it may help me understand better and it may help you too): can you re-write your post without the intellect of the adult that you are, without words like nihilism, ego, identity, depersonalization and derealization?

    Instead,  re-write it in a way that a young child would express himself: simple words, short sentences, no analysis..?

    anita

    May 12, 2018 at 8:30 am #207003
    Phil
    Participant

    Alright, I am sorry for that. I have posted here at the end of last year. I talked about that I feel “like I am not supposed to experience 2018” and that I felt trapped in the concept of time.

    In August last year I felt like something in me was slowly dying (it felt like I outsmarted something), feeling like “I” couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND “I” IN MY MIND (I dont know how to explain it, the I, the one I think I am) CAUSED SUICIDAL FEELINGS.

    At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that a part of me cant live anymore and I tend to identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization (it is a phenomenon where you feel disconnected from your body) which I suffered for around 6 months. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. When the feelings and the thoughts are there, I am confused and I dont know what I really want. This very, very dark part of me has been created over the last few months. It happened over one week in August, when I thought about “time is crazy” and that I somehow cant exist in this “concept of time”. It felt like: Ok my mind says that I cant live in “time” anymore, lets just dive in then and see if it is right.

    When I am in a critical place like that, fully in my mind, dont know if I should still live, my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering. Sometimes I feel like, yes I am a lost case, with fucking 18 years, youll never get out of that, because you always look back to that day when your mind declared “time” to be something strange. Then when I recall these feelings I felt that week in August, I feel like “how the fuck are you still alive” and that I am not supposed to be alive anymore. I dont know how to describe these feelings. It doesnt work in my mind anymore. “I” cant rationally exist anymore. Everything about “me” is triggering feelings of death. My ID, my future, everything, its an absolute mind-death of “I”. IT IS HORRIBLE.

    Then there is the rather peaceful part of me, who wants to live but that knows that the dark part (which feels equally valid), cant live anymore, which creates a conflict inside me. Do I want to live? Can I continue to live? Who am I?

    Since that week, time (the date especially) is triggering these feelings and thoughts of “do I really exist?” and then it feels like I am not supposed to be alive anymore. And I know this is strange, if anyone asks if this is psychotic or so, no, I am aware that this is strange.

    I have read many things about spirituality, never fully practised it, but I didnt know how to explain my psychological issues. So I looked into spirituality, and “the dark night of the soul” matched perfectly with what I am going through.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    May 12, 2018 at 9:24 am #207013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    You suggested in the paragraph before last that you are not psychotic because you are “aware that this is strange.”

    Please pay attention to my point: even a psychotic person who is not aware at all of the here-and-now, of the concept of time and place, keeps living. The body/ brain keeps living, aware or not.

    You wrote: “my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering”- people drained and tired and incredibly suffering for months and years, even decades, keep living.

    Somehow, the body keeps living, aware or not, tired or not, suffering or not.

    Your disturbances of awareness of time and self, these can change and heal and your awareness will become such that you will be able to rest and be at peace. Until then, as long as you pay attention when driving, if you do, when walking where there is traffic and so  on, you are safe, just as you would be without these disturbances.

    Keep going to therapy, determine to heal from these disturbances and the anxiety that causes these disturbances and you will be at peace one day, alive and at peace.

    anita

    May 14, 2018 at 3:13 am #207173
    Phil
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thanks for your answer. As you have seen, I have a dark part in me which has kind of a deathwish because of destructive beliefs Ive built and reality grown around them. I believe that I cant exist anymore. Then the other me believes that this part is delusional.

    Letting go of this dark part feels like letting go your dog (actually feels like smth of more importance), but you want to know what happens to him. It is this feeling of losing something, and just a tiny look after it causes your perspective to turn 180°…

    And feeling like he jumps off a cliff, but I need to know what happens because it feels like it is a part of me, so I have to jump after to look for him.

    And then there is this giant pack of uncertainty, this urge to know where this dog is, how he feels, why I didnt follow him and that not following him was probably wrong.

    And then looking into the future it feels like I wont be able to handle it without the whole package of the second me, his views etc..

    Then the feeling of guilt not having seen after it, the feeling of craziness continuing without it…

     

    Ive had this letting go feeling too with anxiety. But now it feels like I let “me” go. Complete other dimension.

     

    What’s the bad thing that would happen if I did that, letting go?

     

    A life pondering where this part of me has gone.

     

    A feeling that I just believe that I am not it in order to make me feel better. I havent realized that consciousness, my higher self is somehow more “me” than this second me.

     

    That my higher self is somehow more worth listening to than this part.

     

    A feeling of ignorance towards my mind (keep in mind, that this “second I” has been fuelled, built for 8 months now, it is really strong).

    May 14, 2018 at 3:41 am #207179
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    What you refer to as the dark part of you, the lower part,  is a part of you. It is not a foreign entity. You can’t get rid of it. And so, make peace with it. Aim to integrate all parts of you into a functional single human being.

    You would be curious to know what happened to that part, if it jumped off a cliff, you wrote. The curious part would want to “jump after to look for him”.

     

    Look at him now, no need to jump and follow. Stay and look, see the dark part as it is, accept that part. It is part of you. Direct light into that part so you can see better. Take a deep slow breath and for the intent to accept with peace this person reading these very words on your computer screen.

    You wrote: “I’ve had this letting go feeling… What’s the bad thing that would happen if I did that, letting go?”- will you explain to me as clearly as you can, what you mean by letting go, letting go of what?

    anita

     

    May 14, 2018 at 3:47 am #207181
    Phil
    Participant

    Letting go of thoughts, the need of understanding what was happening, the need to know everything. Particularly the letting go of the last thing made me feel relieved during my anxiety days.

    Now I am afraid to let go of all of this, feeling like I am losing “me”.

    Thank you for your kind words!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    May 14, 2018 at 4:01 am #207187
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phil:

    You are welcome. Your understanding of what is happening will increase over time, later. Can you live enduring not understanding all that there is to understand?

    No one understands everything, that is not possible. We have to endure not understanding. With time and persistence, we can understand more and more. You can too.

    You are afraid of losing you- the good news is that it is impossible for you to lose you. All of you is there in you, specifically in that brain of yours. Some emotions, insights are pushed down, compressed, maybe, not accessible, but all that is you is there, in your brain.

    Give it time and use the time to gradually, slowly, gently, patiently learn more and more.

    anita

    May 14, 2018 at 11:48 am #207347
    Peter
    Participant

    You might Josephs Campbell work helpful – Pathways to Bliss.

    The longing to die is often a longing to change, mistaken as wanting to die because change requires “dying”

    It is also important to remember that it takes a strong and healthy ego to let the ego go. The ego plays a necessarily role in our interactions. Thus you don’t want to kill off the ego but your attachment of your sense of self with the ego. – You are not your ego, its simply a tool that allows one to make conscious and express experiences.

    May 14, 2018 at 4:05 pm #207377
    Phil
    Participant

    But how to regain a healthy ego when it is constantly deconstructed by delusional beliefs?

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