I hope you are well, Petalinthewind!?

anita

Dear Petalinthewind:

You are welcome, and it is good to read back from you no matter how long it takes you to reply. I hope that your daughter fully recovers from Covid.  I am glad that you joined a weight loss app (MyFitnessPal) and lost a few pounds, that you had a lovely day yesterday with guests and that you have a plan to go out tonight with your husband, sister and her husband.

“He is away with his wife… He asked me would I like to go and stay with them for a weekend (he does know I am lonely and helped me with stuff)” – when he suggested that you stay with him and his wife for the weekend, did he also suggest how you should explain a weekend absence to your husband? Or is it that your husband doesn’t care where you go and with whom you spend your time?

anita

Dear Petalinthewind:

Do you think this guy keeps telling you about spending time with his wife and treating her nicely, so to cause you suffer, knowing that your husband doesn’t care about spending time, etc.?

anita

Dear Petalinthewind:

I am almost always interested in people’s motivations, in why they do/ say things. My best guess is that his motivation is to feel important, based on what you wrote here: “He portrays an image that he is important“.

He told you things suggesting that he too was in a lonely marriage, and that you “would never be lonely again“, because he wanted to be important in your life. Then, there is another woman he works with, “takes her shopping and to appointments“, etc., so to be important in her life. He gives each woman what he believes that she needs at the moment: to no longer feel lonely and alone (you), to have someone take her shopping (the other woman), and to be taken on holiday vacations (his wife).

We all need to feel important to other people, the difference between people is in how we go about trying to be important in other people’s lives: do we go about it honestly or dishonestly; with the short-term or the long-term in mind; in ways that are constructive or destructive to ourselves and to others.

“I have decided to not let it bother me anymore to the extent I am overeating and wasting my time being miserable… I had a lovely day yesterday invited guests around. Today I am going shopping… and out tonight… I am making a real effort to live my life. I joined my fitness pal and most days I am sticking to my calories and enjoying it… we had a good eve this eve with my family… I am sure in time I will heal” –

– All this is very positive. Keep making yourself important in your own life by focusing on your life and making better and better choices for yourself… don’t put your time and energy into making him feel important.

anita

Dear Petalinthewind:

It is natural to need to be important to other people, but it’s not okay to feed this need at the expense of someone else. A lot of people feed this need at the expense of others: keeping others weak, needy and submissive, is one such unfair way of feeling important.

anita

Dear Petalinthewind:

You are welcome! “He always had this knack of making me feel I was in the wrong” – it’s a knack that many people have, a skill one person has to make another person feel in the wrong. It is easy to achieve when the other person already has a strong tendency to feel guilty, that is, to feel responsible for whatever is wrong.

“I had always ended up apologising to him for… when I called him out on things when I felt he was unfair” – his motivation was to let you know that calling him out on being unfair was wrong… so the right thing for you to do would be to accept his unfair behavior quietly, to submit?

“My friend who knows about this said I’m still hurting and grieving the loss of someone I thought was a real friend because I opened up to him about everything” – when we open up to someone, we invite the person in, giving a person access to our insides. The person given access can respect and honor this access or disrespect it and misuse it.

“In hindsight he opened up to me about practically nothing” – he gave you no access to his insides.

“She said because I felt close to him it will take me time to feel happy again” – you opened up to him, he used the access you gave him to hurt you, creating a wound, so it will take time for the wound to heal and to no longer hurt.

“I knew at the time I should never have to apologise for telling someone how I felt” – for the wound to heal, you must not give him any more access to you, such as sharing with him anything personal, including how you feel. How you feel is none of his business, he doesn’t deserve to know.

anita

Dear Petalinthewind:

I wish you no longer carry the weight of the world on your shoulders! Please let your husband carry some, and your daughter too. Share the burden fairly with others so that you are not alone with it.

Only don’t share anything with this guy who disrespected your feelings, emotions and insecurities which you shared with him. Good to read that he will never know how you feel again, or anything personal about you and your family- he proved himself unworthy of such a privilege!

Thank you for your kind words and please post again about this topic, or any other and I will reply.

anita