Dear Notebookb6:

You can learn from people, what makes them content/ happy, but you cannot easily adapt their ways and be content yourself. You can try this or that specific way, for example, a yoga class if a friend tells you that makes her happy. But an overall attitude, no, you can’t adapt that long term because of your specific childhood experience.

Insight into distressing childhood/ ongoing relationships with your parents, and changing those relationships in the present, are necessary to finding that “key to happiness”.

Maybe your ex boyfriend smiled at times when you complained about issues in your life not related to him because he felt awkward, not knowing what to day. People often smile when feeling awkward, or helpless, not knowing what to say or do.

anita

Dear Notebookb6:

Yes, I think it is possible, because he wants to communicate with you further and he is doing just that, communicating.

But it will hurt him and you if you do it and hurt him again. You may need more psychotherapy, a good few months of weekly or biweekly sessions for the purpose of being able to treat him respectfully all the time, now and if you resume a relationship with him. That would be first priority in therapy. Not to wait until you resolve all your issues before you no longer mistreat him,  but to learn how to not mistreat him immediately.

anita

Dear Notebookb6:

Reads like a  good plan to me, a friendship, better than a romantic relationship at this point, to practice this relationship guideline (any relationship, friendship included): EAR, which stands for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect.

anita

Dear Notebookb6:

Regarding the Assertive part of EAR, it is a skill that you learn over time and practice. Most people are either aggressive or passive at any one time. Either one is harmful. Being assertive is helpful not only for the person practicing it but also to the other person involved. I am sure there is plenty of literature on it, I imagine there are books and workbooks to help with that.

Does it mean to initiate contact with another person? Not necessarily. IF the person told you before hand that he doesn’t want contact with you and you disregard his assertion (telling you he wants no contact), then by initiating contact you are disrespecting him, which is a form of aggression, not assertion.

If the person didn’t tell you to not contact him, but each time you did, he did not reciprocate by initiating contact with you, you will  be hurting yourself if you initiate contact once again. Being assertive is closely connected to the E and the R of the ear.

Regarding your current “1. social anxiety”- it is a reactivation of your anxiety at home as a child. Regarding “2. fear of being judged” and “3. fear of betrayal”, these fears exist because you were already judged and betrayed by your parents. You are afraid of experiencing this again. We don’t fear what we didn’t experience yet, we fear what already hurt us in the past.

I think you have crushes on guys because you have a strong need for bonding, what you didn’t and don’t experience at home. This is what motivates those crushes. If you believe it is so, then you won’t judge your crushes as an indication of a bad character. You will have empathy for yourself for being so desperate for bonding, for love. When we didn’t experience it early and for so long, we get desperate for it.

What should I do to fix it?”- correct understanding of what motivates you and empathy for yourself are necessary ingredients in fixing lots of things.

anita

Dear Nothebookb6:

This is excellent news, congratulations for getting the job!

Moving away from home is excellent, and the farther, the better, for your own self-development aim. So glad. I hope you post again and again. I would love to read from you before and after you move abroad.

anita

Dear Notebookb6:

You are very welcome. I appreciate your appreciation of me, it is generous of you to express it, thank you. Will be looking forward to your future posts!

anita

Dear Notebookb6:

The life abroad then consists of having your ex boyfriend as your co-worker, having had a dinner and a movie with him a few nights ago, planning on going on a backpack trip together, just the two of you, planning on attending a future music concert, you, him and a friend perhaps, looking together for a rental, for you. As well as planning another trip together, if I understood correctly.

Reads to me that there is no breakup, only a relationship without the title of boyfriend/girlfriend and with no marriage plans (he said I’m not the one he is going to marry”). I don’t see a breakup here.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Notebookb6:

“Does that mean he just wanted my accompaniment without having me to be his girlfriend?” – maybe he wants your company and suggested what he suggested (backpacking et.) impulsively, because he wants your company, and he didn’t take the time to think ahead regarding what kind of a relationship he wants with you.

“Earlier .. he mentioned sometimes he wanted to be single while in a relationship, yet he wanted to be in a relationship while he was single”- reads to me that he is likely to be-and-not-be in a relationship with you, that is, have a relationship with you (if you participate in such) but say he is not in a relationship with you.

“should I remain the ‘friendship’ with him until he makes up his mind to get back together with me”- no, a bad idea. If you cooperate with a “friendship” that is not a friendship, then you are auditioning for a girlfriend position with him, and that is not a good situation for you. You will not have a friendship or a gf/bf relationship but an audition after audition, like an unemployed actress trying to get an acting job. It is tiring and discouraging.

“or should I just stop contacting him anymore?”- I think you should not have one-to-one time with him, not going backpacking with him, just the two of you, dinners and such. Maybe you can see him in a group, with other people, maybe have conversations with him over coffee in a public place, a coffee place, let’s say, from time to time. Or have no contact. But do not audition.

“I was hoping to get close with him until the spark and attraction between us is lighten again, do you think this is a good plan?”- no, I don’t. I think this plan is the auditioning I mentioned about, doing your best so that he will feel this and that and hire you for the position of a girlfriend. Not a good plan: it places you in a weak position, dependent on his decision to hire you or not, waiting for him, waiting on him. Not good for your well-being.

anita