Hey Notebookb6

Its perfectly OK to regret, reflect and think about your ex after a break up. Cry if you want to, talk to a friend about it…its all part of healing.

Nobody’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Part of not making them again is forgiving yourself. Think about why you acted the way you did and write it all down. Take this time to love and understand yourself better.

Dear Notebookb6:

I understand, you reflected on the relationship and your behavior in it after he broke up with  you, not before. Now that you have reflected, best you can do is see to it that you don’t do those particular behaviors that you regret in the future. If not with him, then not in a relationship with another man, one you are yet to meet.

Make sure you get to know the next man so that he is not abusive to you and that you are not abusive toward him. I found self forgiveness when I worked hard to heal from what has caused me to hurt another and through that healing, I became a better person. This is the best I can do when there is nothing I can do to fix a correct something that happened in the past.

You sort of fix the present/ future and when you do, you forgive yourself for the past.

anita

Dear N0tebookb6:

A lot of the learning will have to take place during a relationship. Much of the healing cannot be done outside the context of a relationship. After all, learning in psychotherapy can be done because of a relationship with the therapist.

I learned that the thinking that we can heal outside a relationship and then enter a relationship that will be healthy because of prior healing is not true to reality. After time alone, with as much healing as can be done alone, a person is triggered just as before once entering a relationship, if not immediately, then soon enough.

Is psychotherapy an option for you? If it is, it will take choosing a good therapist.

anita

Dear Notebook6:

So you had one session with a psychotherapist, correct?

I need to get away from the computer and will be back in about 18 hours from now. If you would like, do share about your anxiety, from as early as you can remember it, about your relationships with your parents, anything you would like to share that you think may be relevant. When I am back, I will read whatever post or posts you may add by then and reply.

anita

I went through the same thing about two years ago. First I thought I met such a great guy that I could connect with emotionally, physically, mentally, and finally spiritually. As the weeks go by I started to get more and more annoyed by things he said and did as he continually brought up things I don’t want to change like converting to his religion and follow their practices, not to mention the baggage he had from his previous marriage as they were still in the middle of a divorce. All I could think about when I was dating him were all those annoying things and that is why we shouldn’t be together so I broke up with him. Not long after I broke up with him, I started to miss all the good things about him and started having regrets. I thought maybe we can work things out, but it wasn’t like we didn’t try while we were together. He didn’t want to get back when I asked. Then I felt really bad about myself and all the things I had done wrong too. Took me about two months of crying everyday to realize that we are better off without each other because our values will continue to be of conflict if we stayed. After this time had past then I was able to think clearly that encountering him was a lesson for me to learn and to grow and he gained some insight on himself as well. I didn’t realize my mistakes until it was over. I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong at the time we were together. Sometimes we meet people just for the lesson and we move on. Instead of regretting, learn from our mistakes so we can be our best self when we meet the person we’re meant to be with.

Dear Notebookb6:

By “personal development” you mean moving out of home, no longer living with your parents (“1. Move out from family to live alone (self development”). You asked me earlier about healing from the recent breakup following being a “sh**& girlfriend”.

I assume the relationship with one (or both) parent is not good and it is ongoing, no breakup of sorts yet (no moving out yet). If you are still having an unhealthy relationship with a parent, living with that parent, healing is impossible or can be very limited at best. Therefore it is a “1)” priority. You can’t develop (“self development”) when you are stuck in a bad relationship at home.

When a person of any age is stuck in a bad relationship with a parent, the person’s development is arrested.

You didn’t move out yet, I understand, correct?

anita