Home→Forums→Relationships→Dumped after 24-hour-marriage
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December 24, 2016 at 6:15 pm #123508
Anonymous
GuestDear ragatanga:
I feel very sad reading your story. I wish it had a happy, Christmassy ending, as it is Christmas Eve here (USA), a “happily ever after” ending.
I am speechless, really. I will take a break and come back to your story.
anita
December 24, 2016 at 7:47 pm #123524TriangleSun
Participant30-years-old and nothing to show for it. Depressed, scared of relationships, mentally abusive and a Tinder cheater. This is a typical profile of an American millennial man-child. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this at the time when you’re supposed to be festive and happy. But it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. You didn’t lose anything. In fact, you gained self-respect and a lesson to learn. You have yourself, your mom and the support of your friends. Yes, you will miss him and i don’t know why. This is the mystery of human nature. We tend to give our attention to those who wronged us the most. I know this time is very difficult, but if I could suggest anything it would be to try to enjoy the holidays and the time spent with your mom. As the last few days of the year tick away, it is a good time to turn to the next page and start your new year fresh.
December 24, 2016 at 11:44 pm #123535Adam P
Participantragatanga,
My sympathies to you during this holiday season. As an American man I can’t speak on behalf the entire nation, but truth be told in a way people are the “same” throughout the world. You met an American guy, the same could have happened with a Canadian, British, etc. man. When it comes to emotions such as unconditional love and feelings, men including myself have trouble expressing them. I really do wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happier New Year.
As for the best way to cope and handle the stress of the holidays especially with today being Christmas would be to have a day dedicated to yourself. I would not normally recommend it, but since it seems you have already hit rock bottom. Before you start your recovery and self improvement I would say indulge in your favorite activities. You know unleash that stress on a carton of ice cream or cookies and enjoy the time watching your favorite movies. Afterwards, I would recommend reading the book 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is worth investing the time learning from your mistakes and improving your future.
Seasons Greetings
Thank you and Take Care
-AP85December 25, 2016 at 7:56 am #123547Anonymous
GuestDear ragatanga:
I read your post only once, yesterday. Thought about it this early morning. This is my understanding of what happened:
The man you are describing has a very critical voice in his head, that “inner critic”, and abusive inner critic, giving him commentary about how inferior he is, less than others, inadequate, wrong, etc.
In the relationship with you, his inner critic projected itself into you, giving him commentary about how you are inferior, less than others, inadequate, etc., and so, by association, indicating that he (for being with you) is those things, inferior, etc.
At times, when his inner critic was quiet, he was able to love you and be loved by you. You got to see the loving part of him and you still miss that loving part of him. Unfortunately, the inner critic didn’t give him much rest, and soon enough started commenting, again, in his head, something like: “look who you are with- if you were worthy, you would be with a thinner, prettier, smarter, etc., woman.
This is why he was so, so critical of you, why he wanted perfection- so to stop the commentary.
And so, to feel better, he had to reject you, expel you from his life. He can’t expel that voice in his head, that inner critic, but he can expel you.
I hope you learn from this experience, that as loving as you are and can be to a man, you are no match to the voices in a man’s head, and there is nothing you can do to silence those voices. Silencing those voices take hard work over a long period of time in competent psychotherapy. It takes the person being willing to do that hard work, with a whole lot of patience.
I hope that you … start from the beginning. When all looks so grim, it is a time to start anew. Hope you post again.
anita
December 25, 2016 at 10:51 am #123574ragatanga
ParticipantDear Anita,
You brought to tears with such thoughtful insight. Everything you said makes perfect sense and it felt like I was reading his mind through your words. He was not only sexually but also mentally abused by his older brother. The guilt he felt for several years has only been released a year ago. He’s been struggling with self-identity ever since and as a result, he developed mixed feelings towards his brother: he wants to be better than his abuser, always competing to become the “better son”. All his life he was on the spotlight by his brother, who would bring him down in front of everyone. His anxiety and constant comparison lead him to a deep and dangerous depression, suicidal even. Just recently he mentioned how much he hated his brother that if he ever asked for forgiveness, he would ask him to break up with his girlfriend: a stunning woman, pretty much his type. The whole conflict didn’t make any sense wether he has mixed feelings towards his brother or his girlfriend, or even if his anger is so deep he wants his brother to be miserable and not himself.
He said he loved me deeply and that I deserve someone who will give what I deserve: marriage, family, stable life. He said he only wanted these things with me but something was missing and it was all physical. He couldn’t stop his urges, he described himself as a sex freak and he really needed someone as freak as he is (a beautiful body and extreme sex experiences). I believe that all of this became too much for him to handle: accept reality or fantasy. I think he chose fantasy, at least for a while. The hardest part is that not only I lost everything, I also lost my self-esteem. I feel ugly and unwanted, undesirable. A random person offered me a job as a stripper and when I told him the news he made sure to warn me it’s not a big deal, that it didn’t mean I was hot, because stripper are usually trashy (so I was trashy and not hot material). Whenever I had the attention of other men, he would make sure to bring me down by saying I should move on with them because I matched more with those guys than him. What I though it was jealousy, maybe it was him just pushing me away because he couldn’t stand me anymore – and I swear to God I’m not ugly, I came with a fun package in my personality so dating was never too hard for me, even not being the hottest girl but being the petite cute girl with a great sense of humor and positivity.
I think I will agree with your point of view and try to focus my mind on “it wasn’t entirely my fault”. I did fail with him because I couldn’t make him a better person, and I admit it was also too much pressure on me to carry that responsibility (even his family was hoping I would fix him – he didn’t even know the difference between credit and debit card). He became more mature but on the way he also found out he deserves someone better looking than me. I hope he does and that he treats her well but what I can’t seem to move on is how in the world I will trust another man not to leave me because I’m not his type (and that’s the third time it happens). How in the world I will be free from the memory of getting a man on one knee and proposing without being scared he will dump me 24 hours later. As far as I’m concerned, the marriage license is up to 60 more days and my biggest fear is that he will come back (and how do I forgive, can I forgive, how should we move on), or he won’t ever come back (and then my self-esteem will fight this battle of uncertainty for a couple more months).
I deleted all our history but he still kept them. I accidentally called him and he never called back (I swear to God it was an accident, it always happens to me). I have the chance to date other guys right now without even using Tinder, but I’m so heartbroken I fear I will break down in tears with no reason at all during the date. I want to move on but my heart is stupid and still wants him back, still wants to heal his pain. I am extremely empathetic to his pain and I can’t help but to feel even more depressed that I couldn’t make his life better, real and free from all those obsessive thoughts he had. He did say I made him feel better but like you said, his inner voices might be louder now. When he said he wasn’t happy with me, I said he wasn’t happy with anybody else. He agreed and said he needs to find happiness on his own and that he couldn’t also make me happy, that I should be happy by my own. It seems that I would always have to be the stronger person, but whenever I had my moments, he wouldn’t be able to take care of me. That itself doesn’t sound right in a fair relationship, I guess.
I’m just a pile of sadness and hopeless dreams. I feel homeless and unloved. I do feel like I’m not worthy of love, at all. Because if someone who once claimed to love me and die with me, never to abandon me, had the guts to send me away in such a heartless, careless and cold way, it’s probably my fault, I must be a horrible person and I probably deserved all that. They say karma is real, maybe I am paying for that now. Maybe I did make him a horrible person and my perspective on all this is just entirely wrong. I don’t know anymore.
December 25, 2016 at 11:44 am #123577Anonymous
GuestDear ragatanga:
His experience with his brother was extremely powerful in his life, imprinted in his brain in many pathways, expressing themselves in many behaviors that harm him and others, you, in this case.
The experiences with his brother, the sexual/ mental abuse are imprinted in his brain. You cannot possibly, could not and cannot undo those pathways, untangle the knots there. It is simply not possible for you. Even a professional, competent, hardest working therapist cannot accomplish this without his willingness and hard, long term work.
There is a point of difference between a person who was abused and that same person becoming abusive to another. He was abused by his brother and at the least, neglected by the rest of his family. They didn’t see his pain, or didn’t care to ask why he looked so scared and sad as a child, day after day, year after year.
And then, he abused you.
The first part, him being an abused child, deserves nothing but empathy. The second part, him abusing you (and he did) is a different story.
In the relationship between you and him, you are the one deserving the empathy. Not him. Having empathy for him, for HIS pain, for his misfortune, will keep you stuck. What will mobilize you is having empathy for YOU.
I don’t think there is a single individual in the world (is there, I wonder) who was not abused before becoming abusive. The fact that he was abused did not give him the right to abuse you. And abuse you he did. He was cruel to you.
This man you feel this empathy for, he is a dangerous man. He hurt you deeply and terribly and he will hurt others. Withdraw your empathy from him, and direct it toward yourself. Every time you find yourself feeling sorry for him, please re-direct your feelings of empathy toward yourself, and feel sorry for how badly you were mistreated.
This self empathy, well deserved, will make it possible for you to detect abuse early next relationship; to evaluate a man correctly, and trust the man who is worthy of your trust.
Post anytime.
anita
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