Rideeta,

I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and it makes sense why you might feel some frustration and despair. Sometimes when we’ve had it easy and things become more difficult, we get some extra stress as though we are unable to do what we need to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, when our mind is frustrated, it very naturally closes. For instance, if you look at a complex equation and notice you don’t get it right away, your mind perhaps starts thinking “I don’t get this, I don’t understand this”. Each symbol and letter in the equation sparks up more and more layers of thoughts and icky feelings. Then, as you step away, you remember the icky feelings and icky thoughts. Where’s the equation? Said differently, the equations and other materials are producing two challenges to your brain. The first is the basic ignorance of the subject. If you knew it already, you wouldn’t be in class! So your ignorance is fine, normal, expected. The second challenge is the ickiness that is arising. You’re used to having it easy, and now its hard. This second challenge uses up precious resources in your brain, distracting you from the actual material and makes studying a drain, painful, stressful.

Consider taking a step back and trying to open up your curiosity. There are countless ways in which your heart can help the world be a better place. Drop this “I want to be better than others” nonsense, because that means you also want others to be worse than you. Instead, make your dream less selfish, more about how your unique qualities can help the world be a brighter place. I don’t mean this in some hippy peace and love kind of way. By retuning our desire for the benefit of all beings, our strength, peace and curiosity increase dramatically. Said differently, if you spend less time making it about you and what you’ll gain, the easier it is, the simpler it is to weather your successes and failures. Then our studies are an exciting jump into the unknown, playing a cosmic game of wisdom, knowledge and ignorance all mishing up against one another as we grow.

Have you done any metta practice? Metta really helps open up that curious space, as well as decreases the mental agitation that crops up alongside our difficulties. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon guided metta meditation” if you’re interested. Its worth it, even 20 minutes a day will help your mind reclaim its intelligence, because it will be less distracted. Namaste, I hope you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt