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Dreams Dependency Living

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  • December 18, 2018 at 12:53 am #269769
    gogo
    Participant

    My main question here is to ask Should I keep following my dreams?

    I had a disastrous way of growing. My parents and past relationship were very protective to me, I compared myself with others, and I did not focus on myself nor work hard on a particular skills.
    I had problems of being procrastinated and lack of motivation to do things.
    I became an artist when my ex constantly helped me ( he is an excellent artist, a strong and driven person )with all the technical issues except me coming up with creative ideas. He helped me solve every single problems for almost 6 years.

    I never polished my skills or looking for much medium was suitable for me. Was too dependent on him that I started to hate myself and could not stand the relationship that constantly not letting me grow.

    After breaking up, I went from Hong Kong to Canada to study in an Art school (sculpture) for my Master. I borrowed money from my parents. I was devastated and had depression because it was my first time to do everything by myself without know what direction I wanted to go. I tried different things but not being able to be consistent to stick to one thing.
    I was emotionally and financially unstable.

    It’s my final year and I have to prepare my thesis show. I flew back to Hong Kong because I ran out of money to try to prepare, but I don’t have much resources to continue again. If I used the money I saved from my job, I will end up having my bank account back to 2 digits.

    Even after graduation, I don’t know if I still have the energy and money to continue my dream.

    I made a big progress to solve problems by myself and less anxious and panic when I need to do things alone.
    But, I lost direction to balance my skills, dreams and living.

    It seems very difficult but I kept thinking I am just too weak, and the other day I tried a lot of self talk to keep being positive.

    Still, I could not worked hard and sometimes do nothing ( almost 2 months ), seems like I want to escape from the reality.
    I see my friends are going to another life stage and I feel I am being 20 years old not knowing where to go.

    I am 30 now, i hate to use age to identify something.

     

    Just want to know should I just look for a regular job and quit my school or how can I proceed my life and be happy again?

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by gogo.
    December 18, 2018 at 8:55 am #269827
    Peter
    Participant

    “If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ― Joseph Campbell

    Hi Gogo

    I’ve always like that quote. I suspect bliss may be related to a dream yet is not the same thing as a dream. So yes always follow your bliss even when your not sure what it is. That is not a paradox as bliss isn’t about knowing. I feel it involves being open and engaged in life as it shows up.

    Its important to be able to discern when a dream becomes a fantasy and when it can become a direction to explore. As a artist nothing we experience is lost. The intention as you open your self to life as it shows up is to explore without attachment which is often control and trying to force things. Follow your bliss is following ones dream without attachment. In  this way you put yourself in a possion to respond creatively with what shows up.

    I wonder if you used your art as your medium to express what your feeling what might show up. It might be interesting to see where it might lead you.  Are you open to the idea of symbolic language? Are you able to look through the words or the technique of art to what the words and images might  point to. In Art there are no mistakes. Even commercial art reveals the artist and society.

    December 18, 2018 at 11:46 am #269881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gogo:

    I think you should pursue your dream of  independent living as an artist. At this  point you live in at home, in Hong Kong because you ran out  of money before you were able to complete your thesis in  Canada.

    You asked: “should I just look for a regular job and  quit my school”?- if  I understand correctly and you don’t have the money to complete school in Canada, then you have  to  get a job, save money and use it later  to complete your education.

    I hope you post again. When I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours, I would like to read more from you as well as re-read your original more attentively and reply to you again.

    anita

    December 22, 2018 at 3:27 am #270397
    gogo
    Participant

    Dear Peter,

    Thanks for responding during my period of feeling lost.
    I don’t understand what following ones dream without attachment means.

    I feel that i am standing on the crossroad where I have to choose whether I should just pursue a full time job or keep working tedious job so I can continue my art. However, the balance between money and time is difficult. More than that, I did not build up any advanced skills for art making and in HK, so I need to think through whether I can continue. I have some track record but i stop making art for 2 months already. I feel I betrayed my dream but I don’t know what to do.

    I also regretted that I did not treat my dream seriously and made a good plan. I keep blaming myself but I know now is the power to change but I already don’t know how can I continue already.

    I always have self-doubt and lack of self-confidence. I had low self-esteem before but I spent few years to change that.

    I grew a lot as a person but I hope I can make peace with my reality and my dream.

    I think being 30 is my last chance to set a goal and start another journey. Just not sure what exactly I should pursue anymore.
    I just don’t want to follow the money-making mind and  want to do something enable me to go around and keep seeing the world.

    gogo

    December 22, 2018 at 3:33 am #270399
    gogo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I saved some money by working. It may just enough for me to finish my art if i plan it carefully.
    However, I feel exhausted to see my bank account always drop to the lowest and I was just lucky to got a job that enabled me to save money which I no longer work there anymore.

    After graduation, I am not sure how I can go forward.
    I will have no money to rent a studio or art material.
    If I take a full time job, I will have no time to make my art.

    It seems my dream is getting far away from me already.
    I regret that I did not make a clear direction of my art career and now I become a bit pathetic.
    I used to have a boyfriend who was well-planned, hard working and realistic that inspired me a lot. So after breaking up, I became very unclear what exactly I want and did not know how to move forward.

    Am I still suitable to be an artist with so much worries and doubts?
    How can I suppose to pursue my dream when life becomes more difficult for me?

    gogo

     

    December 22, 2018 at 7:06 am #270409
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear gogo:

    The boyfriend you had, the “hard working and realistic that inspired me a lot”- what was  his  input, what did he teach you with his words and example?

    anita

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