Dramatic or Empty, I've lost myself

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This topic has 17 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 17, 2017 at 8:15 pm #145601

Anonymous
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Dear Kate:

You were sexually attacked by your step brother when you were 9-10, correct? Your father knew about it at the time but said and did nothing at all. Years later, when you asked him why he didn’t protect you, his answer included empathy to the step brother (“failed… to help my attacker.”)

The issue of guilt and innocence has never been resolved. The attacker was not blamed and the victim was not excused of any guilt, determined innocent. This would explain why you “feel guilty all the time… apologize constantly even after being asked to stop… I’m obsessed with blame (as I do say ‘fine, this is my fault’)”

You wrote that you thought you dealt with it all and made peace with it a year ago. Was it psychotherapy that led to you to feeling that you made peace with it?

anita

April 18, 2017 at 7:34 am #145659

Kate
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Anita,

That is roughly correct. I think it was around when I was 8. Knowing for sure is hard, as I do believe my mind blocks the trauma in an attempt to protect. It does make so much sense about the unresolved issues causing me to believe I am at fault or should apologize. Even knowing that though, knowing that I wasn’t at fault and that I am innocent, it doesn’t make stopping the habits any easier. Apologizing is like breathing to me. It bothers my spouse and I can’t blame her one bit.

It was a mixture of things that lead me to feeling as if I had made peace. I have never had therapy or counseling professionally. I read a lot of psychology studies, psychology books, self help books, and articles all over (definitely including TinyBuddha.) One big influence was reading Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. I do understand that sometimes a professional is the best answer, but I am unable to pay for or drive to anything at the time.

April 18, 2017 at 8:50 am #145673

Anonymous
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Dear Kate:

Unlike the habit of breathing, the habit of apologizing can be weakened and weakened over time. Breathing is necessary for all living things, it is non-negotiable. On the other hand, not apologizing is not necessary for survival. It only feels like it to you, doesn’t it?

Since your compulsive apologizing bothers your spouse, I would stop this habit, if I was you. It is possible although not easy. The way to stop it is to make a decision, that no matter how strong your compulsion, or drive to apologize- don’t. The more you resist, the weaker the compulsion gets, over time.

First, of course, you have to notice, or be Mindful, when you are about to apologize. In the beginning, you will probably find yourself apologizing before you even noticed. Make a note of it. Pay attention to the triggers, to what comes before you apologizing. Over time, you will notice a trigger and before you apologize, feeing the “itch” that requires the “scratch” of apologizing (to relieve the “itching)- and then resist it.

I wish you were able to attend competent therapy and I wish you were not in any contact with any family member or person who abused you, who ignored you having been abused and still ignores it; a person who enforces your guilty feelings of that abuse by displaying empathy for the abuser.

Post anytime, if it helps.

anita

April 27, 2017 at 2:31 am #146925

Donna
Participant

Hi Kate, I’m just wondering if you have ever had any psychotherapy for what you have gone through? These feelings you’re having of depression, guilt, emptiness – are most likely all stemming from the effect these experiences have had on you. What I hear from you points to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, abandonment, abuse that was never validated, & possible dissociation. (Don’t let these terms scare you. All they are are descriptions of natural reactions to traumatic events.) These are things that need to be assessed by & worked on with a professional in order to help your feelings of being empty & lost. Also, seeking out a support group for Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse could be helpful for you. When someone lives in an environment where abuse or violence is tolerated or ignored it begins to feel “normal” to some extent & you don’t realize that what you have endured is not okay. It is not “no big deal”. You have experienced severe trauma more than once on top of parental abandonment. These are not small things. You can look up information online & read more about it if you haven’t already. Look at rainn.org for a list of the effects of child sexual abuse for adults. This might help to make sense of some of what you’re feeling. It’s important that you realize that all or most of the symptoms you’re experiencing are probably stemming from these traumas.
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