Hello Anita,

Thankyou for writing back. You were correct in your undestanding- someone like him liking me, let alone loving me felt too good to be true. It felt like there would be a catch. That he would leave. Or not like me. Or fall out of love. Or think I was not worth his time and a bad person. That I would be too boring or normal or not his type. I was scared of all those things happening.

To answer the questions – for number 1 I think I meant I am terrified that he was right about my relationship with my boyfriend. That it would not be enough for me. That I would always want and miss him. That my heart would always sort of love him still. I am scared that I will always feel restless and that restless feeling means I made the wrong choice eg staying with my boyfriend and I missed out on a chance of a true home. It also means that I should leave my boyfriend as I feel that restless or “off” feeling, like something is missing and in those moments I think back to him. I am scared about what that means for my life and my boyfriend life. I am scared of being alone.

2) What I meant about “picking a boy” I meant that my childhood friend who I did really like and get on with didnt pick me, he picked someone else. My first sort of boyfriend (sort of in that we only kissed and did not have sex or anywhere close) after we had been officially going out for a few weeks invited another girl he had been talking to at the same time as me out for the day with us. She came with her best friend. After that day he picked her and dumped me and went out with her. I had picked my childhood friend and that boyfriend, but they did not pick me. Fast forward to college, a guy used to give me a lift home as we lived close to each other. He was my type and alot like (physically) the person I had the affair with. Same colour eyes, hair, build etc. We were friends I thought, until one day the popular girl at our college wanted a lift home and he took her instead of me and that was a thing after that between them. He did not speak to me much again after that.

Later on I made good friends with a guy one evening on a night out.  We got talking as we were both tired of going out so just sat on a bench in the dark and talked. We became good friends after that for a few months and  nothing came of it.

I then met my current boyfriend. We got on well but not like “chemistry” or really well like I had with the person who took me home or the person I had the affair with. He was getting over someone he had come out of a relationship with so I was not really his type and he used to compare me to her a bit eg you don’t paint your nails like she does or you are quite short. I guess I just so wanted it to workout that I was stubborn and preserved. After about 6months he kind of “Fell in love” i guess and treated me alot better eg did not reply to his ex and focused more on me and him. I guess I always felt like “not picked” as we don’t have as much passion and chemistry as him and his ex and it was so hard at the start when he was with me but also his ex used to text and ring and email alot and sometimes he would reply. I think he felt torn too. With the affair person he was 100% my type and just funny and we got on well and had a natural kind of bounce and chemistry. Being around him felt like the happiest feeling I could imagine. Like a fuzzy type feeling and time used to go by so quickly. This sounds very cliche but it is how it was. I just couldn’t believe finally a guy I liked liked me back and we were close eg texting and talking alot. It felt like I had known him a long long time. Like an old friend type feeling or just someone I was comfortable around and could be myself and say what I thought and nothing bad happened and he did not get angry or run away. It was like a bubble and I did not want it to end but at the same time I knew it would. I was very much in denial at that time.

Hello anita,

I was afraid you would say that. Afraid because it is in line with the answer I have kept on coming back to time and time again. I didn’t want him to be right and I didn’t want to be a coward. But the reality is that I WAS too scared and I did not follow my feelings for fear of the hurt it would cause everyone. Yet I am still hurting.

I do not know what to say now. Rationally I know the next steps. Emotionally I don’t want to know. I hate making mistakes.

Yes that is a good mantra and way to live life.. making less mistakes. I like that idea. I have tried to do that since that time in my interactions with people. Sometimes failing sometimes not. Like replying on time or doing better at work or being straight to people about how I feel. I did not realise until I started doing that now vague and non committal I had been before. Progress in some areas but this step, leaving my boyfriend, I am terrified. I know I won’t die. I know the world will go on. But I am scared of feeling so low. As low as I felt after that person told me he loved someone else. I was low for 2 years at least. Crying every day, not functioning. I am scared I will go back there and will not cope. I am scared no one will love me.

All reasonable fears in that I bet most people have felt that way at some point. I just wish I had listened to him! I wish I was less stubborn! He told me I was being blind.

Sorry I was not very clear. I do not mean leave as in right this minute, I mean I don’t even know how to get into my head and fully committed it is the right thing to do. Logically when looking at the facts it is. And I have come to the conclusion time and time again. I think the issue is that I am not brave and I do not care about my own happiness enough and I am stubborn and angry at myself to fully face the reality of the fact that it was this stubborness and fear that caused me to pass up on love due to my fear. I struggle to know what I myself want. There is alot online about “listening to yourself” but that part of me has never said anything about this. It is scared too.

I am scared I will keep putting it off. Eg keep knowing it is wrong deep down and wanting more but just keep on going. Life is full of distractions and ways to do that. I convince myself for a while, but not for long. It is like I can analyse myself both ways eg in favour of staying or in favour of leaving and come up with a big zero or neutral answer.

Thankyou for giving me hope about being loved. I think it is common to think that when scared and I am very pleased that you have found that person for you now. I do believe in true love and I am happy you have found it.

Hello anita,

True love to me is when you feel so comfortable around someone and relaxed and happy and open and have trust. It is like a connection that means with one glance you know what someone is thinking and when their eyes crinkle at the sides when they look at you. It is like when you have a tight hug and in that hug it conveys so much and you feel so in sync with their breathing. It is having someone who is there and holds your hand and is supportive but also honest and challenges you and your thinking.

This is what comes to mind when I think of true love. That feeling of “rightness”, belonging and a safe person to know.

As for being left alone and not hugged as a baby.. I was born 3months premature so was in an incubator for the first 6 months of my life. So I would imagine not really hugged as much or picked up and I had lots of things wrong with me and operations I needed etc. When I was brought home I was a crying baby who did not often eat enough or sleep very much.

Fast forward to childhood in that my mum and dad took care of me and wanted me to do well but I always felt apart from them and not close. I did not often go for my mum for a hug or my dad at all that I can remember. I felt my dad in particular could change too quickly.