Home→Forums→Relationships→doubt about long term relationship that goes long distance relationship
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August 8, 2017 at 7:58 pm #162922Belle72Participant
Hi all, i need some advice for my 1.5 years relationship. Some background about us, he is a socially awkward person, very workaholic, he spent 12-14 hrs per day working even sometimes on the weekend. That being said, we don’t have much time together since he is always occupied with his work. We lived together over the past 10 months, after dating for a year. I want to experience whether or not I can handle his schedule for the rest of my life, so I give it a try to live together. We have a similar interest in design, that’s why I still can have conversation about his work. However sometimes I can’t connect with him if I want to share something emotional. I told him that he is lack of emotional connection even with himself. We are each other’s first real relationship, so he doesn’t know how to do this emotional thing with me, because he never done it before. Ever since we move in together everything starts to fall apart. it’s hard to keep up with him, I feel like I keep chasing him to beg for his attention. He gives me a physical love (like i always ask for cuddle time and he will give 10-15mins for me, he likes to briefly hug me when i’m cooking, etc) I told him, I need verbal love which he is most struggling with. I showed my love to him in every possible way I can, I’m very service minded and very affectionate (like little puppy he said) which he likes very much. I asked him couple times, does he needs more from me? and he always said, no, he enjoyed my act of love very much. The relationship gets rocky after we move in together, because even though we live together, I feel so far away from him. he always occupied, busy with work and I just wait for him to come home so I can spend some time with him before we go to sleep. I feel he is very self-centered, he only thinks about his work, career, gym, and that’s it. He is a good guy, yet he doesn’t know how to love, and connect emotionally with other people. He could be sweet and romantic from time to time, but it’s incomparable to the amount of our fights and all the disappointment I keep having. I keep telling him I want to give up in this relationship because I’m exhausted to keep begging and chasing. But he doesn’t want to let me go. He keep saying he will get better at this. and yes, he did.. a little bit.. sometimes he did well for 1-2 weeks after the fight, I feel so loved by him. But then when he get back to his normal routine with his work, it’s all the same again. Now we are going through long distance due to my work visa. So i’m not going back unless we got married. I doubt that this is the guys for me, but every time we have fight he always try to make it better and it makes me rethink everything again and try to fight for the relationship again. but how long do I need to keep doing this? Am I being too selfish for wanting more? I need your honest opinion here.
August 9, 2017 at 6:37 am #163000sadpeachParticipantBelle78,
I’m sorry for the pain that you feel. I know nearly exactly how you feel. I almost felt like your story was telling the story of my past relationship! My ex and I were together for 3 and a half years. He was pre-med and ended up going to dental school across the country. So his schooling, preparing and testing was very rigorous and intensive. It was his first priority as well as your boyfriends. I fulfilled the same role of being his little helper, his sidekick, etc. He appreciated a lot. My ex also has communication issues and his love language is touch. He struggles very much so with verbal communication as well. The majority of our relationship always felt unbalanced and that I was always asking for more. We actually broke up once a year for a couple months at a time for our entire relationship because of this same reason. I always needed more than he could provide. Things took a turn during our last year when I finally decided to not get my happiness from him anymore. I took up yoga, and it became something to do after work some nights. It became something of mine that had nothing to do with him. Is there anything that you can do that fulfills you that has nothing to do with him? I know you are long distance now, but regardless, I think this will help. I’ve come to see that instead of trying to fix a problem that you’re struggling with or want to forget, if you add things to your life that you love and make you happy, those problems either seem to fade away from your attention or fix themselves. I learned that when I took a step away and started nurturing myself and keeping myself more occupied, he came to meet me in the middle. People have an aversion to do something when they feel obligated, pressured or pushed.
With that said, he did end up leaving me when he had to move across the country for dental school. We aren’t together now but we actually just reunited this past weekend and are still very much in love with eachother. However, i’m not sure it’s going to work out because of distance and his busy school schedule.
It may hurt, but just focus on yourself. Don’t chase him. If you focus on making yourself the best version you can be, the people that should be in your life will be drawn to you and stay around. Good luck.
August 9, 2017 at 7:59 am #163022AnonymousGuestDear Belle72:
You wrote: “I’m exhausted to keep begging and chasing”- I think you should stop “begging and chasing”- if it takes ending the relationship to stop begging-and-chasing, then end it. If it means changing your expectations in the relationship, then change your expectations.
You wrote: “We are each other’s first real relationship, so he doesn’t know how to do this emotional thing with me, because he never done it before…” Thing is, it is your first relationship as well. My question to you is: if you haven’t done it before, how do you know “how to do this emotional thing” in the context of a live-in relationship? Or, who are you comparing him to when you state that he is lacking?
Also, I am wondering what you mean by the “verbal love’ that you need from him. What words would satisfy you?
anita
August 11, 2017 at 5:12 am #163396ElianaParticipantHi Belle72,
It looks like you have gotten some good advice, so I don’t have much to add, however, I will use a quote, I like to use, because it is so very true. “Never beg for someone’s time, attention or love, if it is not given freely, it is not worth having”. Keep us posted.
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