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"Don't want a relationship- breakup"

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • August 4, 2017 at 6:11 am #162078
    Pals
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m new to this. But I signed up because I need help in processing information. My boyfriend (live-in, 26, M) broke up with me (23) after 2.5 years. He used to be quite a player, never did serious relationships, would drink quite a bit, and often hurt women before we started dating. Then he had a near-death accident, after which, we were introduced. We fell in love. He said he never felt like this about anyone. That he was truly in love. That he was done with messing around and wanted to grow up, get stability and anchor himself.

    It was a gorgeous relationship. There was love, affection, respect, communication, LOTS of promises (practically engaged) about marriage and a house and kids and mostly WORKING IT OUT NO MATTER WHAT.

    Then, he left. Within a week, he went from blissfully in love to “I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want commitment. I don’t want to be answerable to anyone. He says he still loves me so much and that if he wanted to be with anyone, it would be me, but right now he just needs to “find himself” and be a free spirit without any anchor. Especially me. He says I’m “too much”

    Ironically, he said that in a beautiful, overwhelmed with love way with a smile on his face int he most intimate moments. Until he said I was “too much” and left. He said I make him too happy and complacent that he just lost track of his own individuality.

    I offered space. I offered taking a step back and moving out. Because I thought it was fixable. But he made up his mind. He just wanted out, SUDDENLY, no warning because commitment isnt for him. He said he tried to be someone else with me for 2.5 years because he’s so crazy in love with me, but when life got stressful and the realisation hit him that all his other ducks might not be in a row, he just turned around and basically said ‘I love you so much. I’m sorry for hurting you. But I have to do this for myself. This isn’t for me.’

    I’m hurting. All the promises. All the assurances. Meeting family. Moments. Sunday morning cuddling. Laughing for hours. Late night conversations. Trips. His arms. All gone. Because…I was trial and error for him to realise he just wants to go back to being the “free spirit” (his words) he was since love and commitment make him feel chained.

    I have accepted it’s over, in the sense I don’t ask him if we can work it out (still think it was fixable if he wanted to put in effort). To which btw he said his definition of love is one where no effort is required, which honestly sounds so unrealistic. But I want to stop feeling dispensable. Like when push came to shove and life got too much (as it often does), I was the first thing to chuck out, even though he promised he would NEVER leave. I miss him. And I feel cheated. Like my entire (gorgeous) relationship was a trial and error for him. That he could take such a selfish decision without ONE conversation prior to that where he told me how he was feeling. We always told each other about everything we felt, within the relationship and outside of it. But when this happened, he took a decision and left me behind to collect the pieces wondering what the hell just hit me.

    And I won’t be surprised if a part of this ‘free spirit’ is going back to being promiscuous (for the lack of a better word). That makes me feel like all of this is just excuses, and he just wants to be single and available. But then, when he says he loves m, and leaving is the hardest decision he’s ever made, I know he means it. I can feel he means it.

    I’ve stopped crying for hours (mostly). And I don’t try to reason or beg for a fighting chance, which I think I deserved because I we both gave this 100%. But the grief won’t pass and the promises seem like such a lie..I have lost my appetite for life and love. No food, sleep eludes me, I’m going to work on auto-pilot with no zeal to work or create anything.

    August 4, 2017 at 6:49 am #162100
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Pals,

    I really wish you could feel the comfort my soul wants to offer you. I think that breakups like this are particularly hard on a person. Sudden change in the face of routine and comfort can blind side us with questions that all too often are left unanswered. It sounds as though this has been planned for some time, whether it was for reasons that he gave, or to be single again, or any other reason.

    I am somewhat conflicted to his claim that love made him feel “chained,” yet he loves you. WHA? The feeling of being “chained” by commitment coming from a 26 year old man is understandable. I have had friends, women, who have talked with me about their breakups with their b/f’s of X amount of time, months/years. This is what I tell them because I do believe it is true. With guys, from the age of 16/17 up to mid to late 20’s and even early 30’s, commitment is very difficult for them and not very likely to happen on a long (years/think marriage and family) term. When I say guys I do not mean 100% of guys, but a huge percentage. When they are in committed relationships and see their single friends have a blast at the local bar, they miss that. It’s that college guy mentality. They see their friends of similar age with a common denominator of intense fighting, or are in the process of a divorce and that hits close to home for them. I think that where the difference lies is where women have a vision of a wonderful marriage, children, trips to the grand parents for them to be spoiled, etc. When 2 people meet, fall in love, talk marriage and children, men may find that exciting but for a short time, but women visualize that possibility coming to fruition. When you mentioned that he said, ““I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want commitment. I don’t want to be answerable to anyone,” and ” that he said that you were  “too much,” and when you said, ” he just wants to go back to being the “free spirit” (his words) he was since love and commitment make him feel chained.” those are a precursor to a disaster to any relationship. Imagine you two did get married and have children and life was good, then suddenly he brought that out.

    Please don’t try to give yourself false promises thinking one day he welcome back to you. He’s 26. He still has much to learn about being in a committed relationship as that part of him being  “quite a player, never did serious relationships, would drink quite a bit, and often hurt women before we started dating,” still lingers within him. It seems to me that you are a wonderful person with a wonderful life plan to move forward, unafraid, and start a beautiful family, but he is not. Think incomparable. You may have been physically attracted to each other, went through the motions of moving in together as a couple, did couple things with couples and all that is great. When it came down to the reality of marriage and children, it scared the crap out of him. It exposed his limits of commitment.

    Pals as hard as it may be, let him go, cherish the happy moments and thank him, to yourself or in person, for him giving you those moments, and wish him well on his journey to be free, to find himself. You, on the other hand, be loving to yourself. Be grateful to you that you have the strength he doesn’t because it is YOUR strength, and you amazing soul that will guide you to find someone with the same goals as you do. It does not seem like it now, and it may not be helpful to you to know right now, that this was supposed to happen to make yourself available to someone who shares the same life journey as you.

    August 4, 2017 at 7:40 am #162114
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pals:

    He told you that “his definition of love is one where no effort is required”-

    I wonder if the latter is true for him, how is it that he put in effort for 2.5 years (that is a long time for a young man!) trying to be someone else (“He said he tried to be someone else with me for 2.5 years”)- any idea?

    anita

    August 4, 2017 at 9:26 am #162146
    Pals
    Participant

    PearceHawk, reading your reply made me smile from the inside like I haven’t in a while. It was comforting and yet, a very honest reality check. You’re right. What if he left later? I do believe and told him, very respectfully, that while he is free to leave when he wants since I can’t force him to be with me, I do believe he will realise that his definition of love and idea of commitment will settle when he’s ready. Thank you. I just wish he’d say these things directly and not “I need to find myself” or “I’ve lost my identity in the relationship.” or “I still love you but I don’t need to and can’t be in a relationship.” If not a fighting chance, an honest conversation would have been nice, you know? Just out of respect for what we shared and me, as a person. The vague reasons just worsen the sudden end to a life he very much wanted..till he didn’t. My brain, as overthinking human brains do, just goes to him being with other women when I realise that a certain amount of his reasons are faff. Whether it is because he hasn’t reached that understanding himself or he doesn’t want to accept what he did, I don’t know. I’m trying hard not to take it personally. Because our relationship was fun, energetic, sex was great, intimacy and confidence in each other were high too. So what is it that he’s missing? The variety. I don’t understand.

    What would be amazing is to reach a point where I no longer want answers, but it’s too soon for that, I think.

    Anita: I asked him the exact same question. He said he loves me so much and enjoyed being with me so much that he wanted to try and put in the effort to “please me” and make me happy and in the process lost his own space and individuality to a point where he felt he had no identity outside of me. I asked him so why don’t you want to put in the effort or why do you think love doesn’t require work now? He said because he reached a breaking point where he came to a realisation that he was constantly trying to be someone else (someone who wants to be in a stable relationship) but realised he was unhappy, and that relationships aren’t for him, and certainly not one that takes so much of his time and mental space.

    I don’t want him back. I’m even willing to go so far as to say I’m not angry with him. But I just wish he wouldn’t say these things that make no sense, further ruin the taste of the beautiful relationship in my mouth, almost make excuses, you know? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think or feel anymore.

    He also said he will “always” love me (not falling for that twice), and that in the future if he ever wants a relationship again, he will come “begging back and is ready to begin from scratch the courtship process.” I bought it the first two days of him leaving me because then, I couldn’t breathe and there was this stabbing pain in my chest so I would have taken anything.

    Now, I know it’s something people say when they leave.

     

    August 4, 2017 at 9:57 am #162156
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Pals I’m real happy you could smile so deeply. Really. In your question you asked, “So what is it that he’s missing?” What it is that he is missing is something you cannot give him, ability for him to be honest as to why the sudden cut off. You mentioned that, “He said because he reached a breaking point where he came to a realisation that he was constantly trying to be someone else (someone who wants to be in a stable relationship) but realised he was unhappy, and that relationships aren’t for him, and certainly not one that takes so much of his time and mental space.” A lot of confusion on his part here. “Trying to be someone else?” And who would that be I wonder? Only he knows. I have told people that I personally believe that relationships shouldn’t be the proverbial 50/50. I believe they should be 100/100 as in percent. If someone puts out their 50% toward a relationship, what do they do with the other 50%? In your case I think it was 100/50 with the greater number on your side. What happened to him to have the other 50% of his potential commitment was his way out.

    What I see in your words is a very strong woman although right now it may not feel like it. My favorite line in Good Will Hunting reminds me that it should have been for you…”It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…”. You have great ambitions Pals. You have wonderful dreams. But don’t chase your dreams. Capture them.

    Sending this with peace, love, and happiness.

    Pearce

    August 4, 2017 at 10:29 am #162160
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pals:

    Reads to me that most of what he told you is quite honest:

    “I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want commitment. I don’t want to be answerable to anyone…(be) a free spirit without any anchor…This isn’t for me”- honest, clear and direct. He feels trapped and wants out.

    When he told you that he needs to find himself, that he lost track of his individuality, that sounds like a re-packaged truth: I don’t think he is looking for himself, instead, I think he is looking for freedom from you.

    When he said that if  he wanted to be with anyone, it would be you, that means that he doesn’t want to be with you, but if he did, it would be you- this statement lost any sense in the re-packaging.

    When he told you that if he ever wants a relationship again, he will come begging back and ..begin from scratch the courtship process- that’s just convenient, re-packaged or not.

    anita

     

     

    August 5, 2017 at 11:13 am #162314
    Mina
    Participant

    Pals,

    I recently went through something similar to your situation. My boyfriend was only 19, had nothing figured out in his life, he wanted to move college because of the stress he is under in our university and also due to his fear of his mandatory military service. He told me he isn’t available for any kind of relationship with anyone based on his situation right now. It was fair, to me. I understand how hard it has been for him. Even though I understand, it is still a constant struggle for me.

    I sympathise with your situation. My advice for you is to let go. Really. If you truly loved him, you would let go. He is clearly unhappy and wants out, there is no point of holding him back. If letting him go will make him happy, then you should definitely let go. I understand how hard it must have been for you, but it will be fine. If he is the one for you, it will work out. If he’s not, you will find someone that will truly treasure you.

    You must be shocked because he just suddenly said the break up word out of the blue, that is why it is harder for you. I at some point had already predicted it so it wasn’t as hard but for you – I cannot imagine the amount of pain, shock and anger that you currently experience.

    I am wishing you the best, please reply anytime x

    -Mina

    August 5, 2017 at 11:48 am #162322
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Pals,

    It seems so confusing, everything like you said was going great, and suddenly he wants out and only giving you the explanation of “you are too much” did he provide any examples? Usually when men say that, “you are too much” means “too much drama” “too much intensity” “too high maintenance” too many needs” “too nagging” yet you seem to be none of these things. It is definitely his loss. I am just wondering, what he meant by that. I am really sorry you are going through this, and he is putting you through all this, when things seemed so amazing. Makes no sense why he just left all of a sudden.

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