Dear oaooo:
My understanding having read your post is that you have a lot of outside information- as in articles on self love- and there are a lot of things you practice for the purpose of loving yourself, but both did not produce the affect/ effects that you desire. It is my understanding that the reason for the lack of success is that the information you most need is not outside of yourself, as in articles, but inside yourself. It is maybe that you are looking for a short cut, or short cuts to get that self love that you need with minimum pain when the only way to get it, to find it is going through the pain you are trying to avoid. This I believe you can do within the context of effective psychotherapy: withing the context of a good professional relationship with a therapist who knows what he/ she is doing.

You know that you had a rough childhood… wouldn’t it be nice if we could solve this problem intellectually or by following specific practices? Insight + skills are required in the context of a good relationship- with a good therapist…?

anita

Dear oaooo:
I think that the stuff that “feels so deep and so hidden” – you already know that stuff- you just don’t want to know-know it…

You know but you keep pushing it out of a deeper awareness that you know it. One day maybe you will say: I knew it the whole time i just didn’t believe it…

If this is confusing to you, ignore what I wrote…

Or take a second look, calmly, at what you already know- look at it differently, from another perspective… examine what you already know in a different light…?

Take care:
anita

I’m in the same boat and I can tell you what I’m doing, that I feel is slowly, slowly working for me.

For one thing, I use mantras a lot, do some energy tapping (look it up on You Tube) and tell myself “I love myself” when I start to get panicky about my most recent breakup.

I’ve spent years identifying communities where I feel welcomed and supported, and I spend time with these communities while also allowing myself a lot of alone time, which I need because I’m a classic introvert.

I’m working on being very conscious about the people I let into my life. I used to be so desperate to be wanted/loved that I’d let anyone in, even people who were negative, high-drama, and manipulative. It’s hard, but I’m slowly noticing the people who are kind, active, self-aware, supportive, and creative, and consciously making connections with them (i.e. asking them to go out for drink or a movie or a bike ride, etc). This is hard for me because I’m somewhat shy, but I do it anyway because I want to be surrounded by people who have their shit together.

I’ve rediscovered things that I’ve always loved to do, like garden, grow potted plants, go out into nature, be creative artistically, and read, and am trying to do more of those things.

I’ve also discovered that one way for me to stay physically active (and i hate exercising) is bicycling, so I try to do that regularly.

I’m seeing a therapist who has been a great supporter and friend for several years, and am taking her advice in terms of going to events, retreats, and seeking out support in different forms. I’m also in a woman’s support group.

I’m paying attention to what I need in order to feel good – i.e. I love my home being a comfortable nest, so I’ve been working on making it more comfy and nest-like and spending time in it just enjoying it.

And right now, I’m just simply not dating. I don’t feel healthy enough, and I don’t even want to date.

Everyone is different, of course, but that’s what I’m doing!

Good luck to you-

Dear oaoo,

short on time, so I need to be brief. Here’s my opinion:

We all need love. Trying to get rid of a feeling is the best way to ensure that it is there to stay. So I think you need to accpet that you are feeling the way you do, and not try to tell yourself: “I SHOULD be happy. I SHOULD be OK on my own.” It’s a bit tricky, but an important part of loving yourself is to be compassionate about being not ok! If you had a child that said: “I need love, I feel lonely…” would you keep telling him: “But youve got everything, you should be happy!” NO! You would say “I can understand you, I’ll be there for you, it’s ok to feel lonely sometimes…”

I used to think I’m very strong and I’m ok on my own. However at the same time I kind of tried to shut away that vulnerable part of me that needed love. I looked down on it as a victim I did not want to be… And that is the mistake. It is that very part of you that needs understanding and self-compassion.

So my advice would be:
Try to accept that you feel lonely, disappointed or in need of a relationship and be kind with that part of you!
By all means do yoga and meditate and stuff, but don’t do this to get RID of a part of you that needs understanding!
It’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be disappointed when relationships fail or guys are not interested.

If you stop shutting up or judging that “needy” part of you, you might even discover WHY this part craves so much attention/love by guys, and why it falls for someone all the time. Treat it like you would treat a friend! It tries to tell you something, and only when you stop judging it for its “weakness” or for sabotaging you, you can start to listen and really understand…