Don't know what to do

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This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by BenzRabbit.

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April 13, 2015 at 2:22 pm #75266

caleb
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My name is Caleb, I am 17 years old, male and seeking help. I guess I’ll kinda start with my simplified story then get to what I’m struggling with, Sorry for any bad writing/spelling, I’m no A+ student. I was born in Del Rio TX on a Military base (dad was in Air force) we moved around a lot due to his work, in all my years I can recount living in 8 different houses. At a young age the moving was easier on me but as I got a bit older around the age of 9 or so it became harder to recreate my life at the next house, in 5th grade I turned to homeschooling because I was … not so smart, trying but falling behind in public school, I stayed in homeschool through freshman year whent back to public in sophomore year of high school. From the homeschooling and moving so much I picked up a harsh social anxiety. My dad is a perfectionist and a workaholic when it comes to physical labor and other things, he’s a hard to please kinda guy, from that I gained my bad anxiety in general, I always worry about the stupidest things and I can’t help it, I over think everything and I feel like I won’t be able to please anyone. I think in 2013, my dad retired and we moved to our final house here in rains county, I started my sophomore year in public school at RHS at age 15, mosta the year I was socially awkward, didn’t fit in had one friend (if you would call him a friend) but had relatively good grades. I turned 16 in march got my license and a truck and everything changed, I made 1 good friend, my 1 friend met some dudes into dirt bikes and all that and convinced me to drive us to his house (I was kinda afraid). I had finally met my people when we drove over there, had lotsa fun with em, they introduced me to new people like them as well as weed, alcohol, and cigarettes, my anxiety’s lessened and I made some even better friends (the wrong crowd as my mom puts it) we did lotsa illegal stuff, I began lying to my parents 24/7, partying etc. Going into junior year I continued with it, I was smoken weed on occasion, cigs constantly, goen behind my parents backs always, I quit caring about school, my parents didn’t know about a single thing. In a short period of time they found out about it all, completely blindsided by my actions and reacted quickly by sending me to resolution ranch (a program for troubled teens). I hated it there, my anxiety’s returned it was like moving again, there were 30 or so other male teens but they weren’t my people, similar issues but different personalities. I became depressed from my anxiety’s and lack of joy, picked up self harm and tried to end my life on a few occasions, the program wasn’t working for me so a little after four months my parents pulled me from the program, (that was like 4 weeks ago). Once home I was on a short leash, had no trust etc. but some things changed, dad started working on his issues etc. things seemed better at first but it has escalated for me since then. Skip to the present, Now. I’m 17 now, I am back in online high school (I hate it) I’m only allowed to see approved of friends (a very small selection), obviously I’m not allowed drugs, alcohol, or tobacco products, I miss the cigs badly, trying to compromise for a ecig now. I was never close to my parents, but im getting closer to my mom now. My anxiety’s are back and worse than ever, I’m expected to get a job (have a interview tomoro actually), but im stuck. I’m still depressed still have the constant worries, having hard regrets about the job thing, want to drop outta high school so bad, I’d be fine with the job if I didn’t have school, I’m under a crap ton of stress, want a cig and maybe a few swigs so bad. I want my old life back apart from the weed, that was a bad idea, but I want to enjoy life again, part of me wants to run away and go back to the old life, maybe if I did my parents would sign the papers releasing me since I am 17, but then where would I be, I could live with a friend but have no transportation to a job but I’m sure I’d figure it out like so many of my friends have and I’d atleast be happy but it would destroy my mom, better than sitting here depressed hating life, she’d probably get over it? I don’t know what to do, go enjoy life or stay here hate life and please my parents till I’m 18. I’d love to compromise with my parents to get a few things back so atleast there way will be partly enjoyable, but there not willing to allow any of my old ways. Emma While’s post here kinda sums up how I feel but her answer to it won’t quite work for me. http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-dont-know-what-to-do/
I saw how many others go through this and decided maybe the internet can help me out.

April 14, 2015 at 9:29 am #75296

Wye Jay
Participant

I’m sorry I don’t really know what to say. but I just wanted to wish you good luck on your job interview. All the best!

April 14, 2015 at 12:27 pm #75311

MichelleZ
Participant

Dear Calebw,

The thing with anxiety is that it makes us want to have instant solutions so we can get rid of the anxiety in that moment. Going back to partying and your old lifestyle is an instant solution.. But where will you be in the big picture of your life if you do not finish school or find any other responsibilities that make you happy? The only way to rid your problems is to actually face them – even if that seems like the hardest thing to do.
My suggestion is to find a hobby to bring you joy outside of partying – even if it means doing it by yourself. Find an outlet that will not be a potential spiral down. For someone at your age, instant gratification seems legit. But ask yourself what kind of a man do you want to be in 5 years? Where do you see yourself in 3 years? Start to think outside the box of how life sucks right now. And start to take small steps in the direction of the kind of life you want to see yourself in. This world is at your disposal. You can do anything you want and become anyone you want – it does not have to depend on book smarts. It just takes vision and baby steps towards that vision each day.

But if you only focus on partying to rid your anxieties, 5 years from now you will look back on your life and see you had wasted your years away.. It is fun for the moment but becomes a trap for the long haul. Take baby steps each day to find out what your dreams are and then start taking baby steps to make those dreams a reality.

April 15, 2015 at 8:46 am #75346

Martina Weiss
Participant

calebw,
cigarettes, alcohol, weed – these are all substances that help you NUMB your anxieties. However, they will not help you to get rid of them. Even more so, they will help you undermine your emotions and once you stop with it, your fears will come up even stronger. I know that it was easier to deal with those fears with those drugs, but they are not a solution.

I agree with MichelleZ. What is it that you want to do in your life? You were given the chance to create the life you always wanted to, so what is your vision? What brings you joy? What are you good in? What makes you happy? Are you happy with who you are? Do you believe you are worthy and deserve love and affection? If not, this is where your problem lies in. You don’t believe in yourself. This is the first thing you have to address.

Let me tell you one thing: No matter how bad you feel about yourself or no matter how much you believe you are a loser, a failure, a waste of time, you are not. You are good enough the way you are and you deserve to be loved and cared about. So start to take care of yourself. Only you can make a change. Only you can take responsibility over your life. When you go partying and numb yourself, it is your responsibility. When you have the job of your dreams, with the partner of your dreams, kids, whatever it is that fulfills you, it is your responsibility.

You are so young. It is amazing that you are so much aware of your situations. Be proud of yourself. You took the first step by sharing your thoughts with this community. Now, continue by taking steps into the direction you want your life to take.

Let me know if I can help you.

All the best!

April 15, 2015 at 11:08 am #75366

Ellish
Participant

@calebw , sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time. Now on what to do – I can definitively say you should stick with your parents’ path and be miserable til you’re 18. That may sound crazy, but here’s my reasoning. Your parents want what’s best for you. They’re human, imperfect, and will have their own challenges (such as your dad’s high standards,etc) but they are trying to do their best to steer you down a drug and alcohol-free path where you will stay out of situations that might hurt your opportunities for the future. Their swift and intense reaction to your drug use is a huge indicator of that. They desperately want you on a good path, and will do whatever it takes to get you there. They know you need to finish school and that dropping out for a job right now won’t lead you to the life you want or are capable of. You may not recognize these things right now, but your parents are right (I’m 31, and looking back, have seen exactly how many thing my parents were right about in my teenage years 😉 it’s humbling!)

Although it seems like a nightmare right now, try to think about the love they’re showing you by keeping you away from some of your old habits. Like the posters above said – these things are escapes from anxiety. We all use escapes, but some are more productive than others. You may have to live with the anxiety for awhile (teenage years are full of unpleasant emotions and growth!) so what could you do that is a more positive coping mechanism? Some people write, others exercise, some garden or build things, etc. Channel your anxiety into an activity that makes you forget it. Mine is singing and songwriting – yours will be wherever your passion lies.

In the meantime, challenge yourself to see your parents’ actions as an indication of just how much they love you and want to see you happy and successful (however you define that). This is hard on them too – drug use and self-harm are serious issues with potentially lifelong repercussions, so they’re doing whatever they can to keep you on the straight and narrow – even if it’s a tough love approach. I promise if you follow their path, you will be grateful when you’re a few years older, in a good place, and looking back on this time.

April 16, 2015 at 1:11 pm #75439

finsallystrong
Participant

Hi Caleb W,

I’m so glad you reached out!

First thing’s first – give yourself more credit on your intelligence. One, you write well, two, you have great self awareness and three, you reached out for help, which is something I wish I had done when I was your age.

I was very similar to you. Rebellious. School and making good grades were not on my list of priorities. They used to be until I tried to be popular and ended up getting in to trouble and started hanging out with the wrong crowd that I met at the detention school I was sent to for six weeks. Lured by the fantasy that drinking, pot and cigs were the best way to get me to where I wanted to be, which was far, far away from my strict father…oh how I wish I had done things differently…

Partying seems like a ton of fun at your age. If you’re one of the lucky few who don’t get in trouble and manage to keep up in school (I just barely flew by because I slacked), then it is fun. However, when you reach my age, thirty, and you are struggling to find yourself because you lost your identity years ago taking the wrong path…well, looking back, taking that path wasn’t worth it. Some days I still feel like a kid, lost and afraid in this world, because I inherited a lot of bad habits along my journey that no longer serve me here and now. I am also rebuilding my relationships with my parents, whom I pushed away a very long time ago. I just didn’t understand them and completely pushed them away when alcohol became my one and only love.

When I got sober three years ago, my eyes opened wide to not only the destruction I caused as a result of alcohol and cigarettes, but to how much I hurt my family and friends. I finally understood that though I thought my parents were cruel…they really just loved the sh*t out of me and were at a loss on how to communicate that. I only saw it as them being jerks, standing in my way to freedom. But then I also looked at their upbringings. Why they acted and reacted the way they did. How they were raised. And by the way – you mentioned your mom might “get over it”. No she won’t. She’ll only hurt more because she loves you unconditionally. And so does your dad.

I thought at your age that I would be just fine, flying along, but I was…wrong. A ton of heartbreak could have been prevented and I might live with the regret that I hurt my family by pushing them away for a long time to come. Once you understand why people do the things they do, whether through their own hurt, fear, etc., etc., it makes it easier to “accept” them. We are all the same, at the end of the day, we just have different ways of communicating.

That said, rather than turn to vices in order to cover up feelings, try to discover what makes you happy. Walking in nature might sound silly to you (might not, idk)…but it helps clear your mind. Writing helps me put my thoughts and feelings on paper and controls the urges to imbibe in things I shouldn’t. Maybe you like to read, dance, listen to music. What is your passion and what makes you tick, because once you spend time discovering that…the true you can shine through and you will find a much better life than one that alcohol, drugs and nicotine can provide you…and THAT I can guarantee you.

You can take my reply to heart or with a grain of salt. Ultimately, the choice is yours. But from someone who is picking up the pieces of their own life, thirteen years later, I can tell you that I wish I had not chosen the path I did. It’s easier to handle feelings if you don’t numb them to begin with, and hopefully you will feel good at the end of every day knowing that you did something more fulfilling than drinking one too many, day in and day out. I can tell you are very talented. You have what it takes to succeed in whatever you set out to do in life. Find what makes you happy.

I wish you the best of luck. Life does get better, but please give it a chance for it to get better before doing something you might regret in the long run…

April 18, 2015 at 4:39 pm #75513

BenzRabbit
Participant

Hi Caleb,

Anxiety comes when we are unsure about ourselves or uncertain about the future – or both !

You are young and have a full life ahead of you – the actions you take now will determine your entire future !!

Michelle, Martina and others have given you some good advice above. I will only add that our parents mean well and they never wish for bad things to come upon us.

I pray your angels guide your path forward.

GOD Bless !
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