Home→Forums→Relationships→Don't know what is right
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Anonymous.
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October 28, 2017 at 6:20 pm #175379
AliciaParticipantHi, I’m 58 years old and been in a common law relationship for 7 years. He is 67 years old and retired from his work. English is my second language and he’s been verbally abusive, sarcastic and throw things when he is upset. I helped him a lot financially contributing my 75% of my salary. When he is upset he’s saying I’m a net loss, border. I left him twice already and I’m back after one week. He asked me to get out his house last spring and I moved out. We are in a trial separation now for 6 months and wants me back. I always come to see him because I worry about him. I care so much about him. He has 2 kids but no good relationship. He has no close friend and family. I’m suffering from his up bringing that until now he can’t forget. He put me in his will as a beneficiary.
In 7 years I will be 65 years old and retiring. I have no enough money to retire. I don’t know what to do now. I want to come back to him because of financial security but I’m tired and hard for me to take his character and affecting my mental ability. I’m worry if I am 70 years old and he is still in his bad character. I will be feel bad to myself. When I’m at my own place, I miss him and worry about him being alone. I don’t know If I can stand on my own financially when I get old.
Hope somebody can give me their opinion and open my mind so I know what to do. Please help me.October 29, 2017 at 5:05 am #175395
AnonymousGuestDear Alicia:
Did I understand correctly: You are 58, employed. In seven years, at 65 you will be retired. You don’t have enough money, as is, to retire. Therefore you are thinking about moving back in with a man who has placed you as a beneficiary in his will, hoping that will provide you future financial security. In your seven year relationship with this man, living with him, you have spent 75% of your salary on living expenses with him.
If my understanding is correct: your financial security has lessened because of your relationship with him, that is, you have less money now because you lived with him for seven years because you spent 75% of your salary on living with him.
Your only hope for financial security having to do with him is him putting you as a beneficiary on his will, correct? If so, how do you know that you are still (during this time of separation from him) still in his will? If you are currently his beneficiary, how do you know that he will keep you as his beneficiary and will not change his mind?
anita
October 29, 2017 at 8:39 am #175431AliciaParticipantThank you so much Anita for your reply. You are right, how I will I know If I’m still the beneficiary and he can change it anytime without my knowledge especially when he gets upset to me.
I asked him to put my name as co-owner of the house and he doesn’t want to do it. He, said Never, I will do it. So I’m thinking why he make me as beneficiary of all the things he owned and then doesn’t want me to be a co-owner. Is he playing games with me? I helped him a lot for 7 years to pay the mortgage and now is paid. I want to be a co=owner so he don’t asked me to get out or F-off when he upset to me. There is no guarantee too that I will get his property, how about if I go first. We don’t know.
I’m mentally and physically tired. This has been going on for so long. I cannot depend myself to him when we are in discussion. I get nervous and frustrated right away. I wrote a letter and give to him to read, he just read some of it. I asked two financial advisor already and with my contributions and income.
Anita, I have no family here in Canada and nobody to turn too. My job is not easy and I don’t know if I can make it till 65. He said he will take care of me. Right now, I don’t know what to do to go back to him or live on my own and see what will happen.October 29, 2017 at 8:58 am #175435AnonymousGuestDear Alicia:
If you do not have legal rights over his property (having been in a common law relationship with him for seven years, in Canada)- then I see no reason to expect any financial benefit from him. Better not spend more of your income on his house when you have no legal rights to it.
You wrote: “He asked me to get out his house last spring and I moved out”- if you move back in, he might ask you out of his house again.
You wrote: “I’m worry if I am 70 years old and he is still in his bad character”- he is now 67. When you are 70, he will be 79. He is not likely to change from the age of 67 to 79.
You wrote: “I’m mentally and physically tired”- this relationship has taken away from you, money and energy. Better stop exhausting yourself.
I understand your need for financial security. I hope you find it elsewhere- doesn’t read it is with him. Not unless he takes legal action to secure you financially, an action that he cannot take back!
anita
November 1, 2017 at 3:18 pm #176129
NanParticipantYou say you give him 75% of your salary for living expenses. Since you have a separation now, are you still giving him money? Does he need your money to live? It doesn’t get better, truly a leopard doesnt change their spots, and unless he is truly caring for you in a respectful and loving way, it is my opinion he is using you. Where do you live during separation? Do you pay rent or expenses? Please listen to Anita…..I have witnessed the lure of being beneficiary and then it can be changed in a day, via online or form faxed over. You have no security. Is this how you wish to spend your last years? Disrespected, tired, weary?. What kind of life is that? Better to be peaceful than to be berated and used like this. I am 63 years old, so have been around awhile and seen the way women will tolerate anything, versus being alone. Have hope, I was 60 years old when a beautiful man came into my life. The universe heard my prayers and were mostly answered. While still working, you can start to create a secret fund that no one knows about. for your future. Because I guarantee, if he knows you have a little money elsewhere, he will force it to be given to him by emotionally abusing you, until you feel worthless and try to make peace by giving it to him.
November 2, 2017 at 5:28 am #176191AnonymousGuest* Dear Nan: so good reading from you!
Alicia: hope you post again.
anita
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