Home→Forums→Relationships→Don't blame please I m with married man
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December 19, 2018 at 6:23 am #269957EliParticipant
Dear Anita hi I am so happy you reply back .
I understand what do you mean Anita I agree.
He asked me for be patient as like he said always the small kids grow up get around 10 years then he will say his wife he had me his life and want to live with me after that and leave her tottaly she can get divorced or stay there but he told me he can not kick her out and let she stay in street but if she wants to leave it’s it’s okey.
He ask me for be patient because they have problems and as like I told you one time he wants to divorced her ..and some times he told me maybe it don’t even take years and she wants to leave him and end of story.
December 19, 2018 at 7:00 am #269961AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
I just re-read your previous posts so to get all the information I need and I came across two things I need to ask you about because I didn’t understand those enough. Can you take your time and explain the following as clearly as you can:
1. You wrote: “if I leave him my mother will blame me all the times oh you were with him for 5 years now how will you support your self maybe you want back to my home”-
do you mean that your mother wants you to stay with him for financial reasons, that she thinks you will not have enough money to survive without him, that you should stay with him for financial support… and does she want you to live with her, in her home?
Or does she want you to end the relationship with him, telling you that he is using you?
What is her position, opinions about your relationship with this married man?
2. You wrote: “I had fight with him I told him you just use me and play with me and waste my life with fake hope… he said oh I wanted to have lover but you want be more… maybe you saw some guys.. they just want take you to bed no thing else and then he said some bad words”-
Did he say that he wanted to have a lover and not more, or that you wanted that and then changed your mind and wanted more than a lover? Also, when he suggested that other guys will only want to take you to bed and nothing else, what did he mean by “nothing else”? Also, what bad words did he use?
anita
December 19, 2018 at 7:30 am #269963EliParticipantDear Anita
- yes my mother asked me stay with him so i will not barden for her.
- Yes in the first he wants only lover but after that he said I fill in love and I want you for ever be patient I see my future with you ….and about bad words he said me fuck of fuck you go to hell go away from me I had enough .and when he said maybe you see some guys you want to leave me and go with them but for sure they want just take you to bed Yani want you only for security no other thing they are not serious
December 19, 2018 at 8:18 am #269967AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
Regarding your mother: she doesn’t want you to be a burden on her. Fine. But she should not follow you as she has done and be a burden to you. It really is none of her business whether you stay in the relationship with this man or not. Having no contact with this selfish woman is best for you.
“I want my freedom and my privacy“- this is a very strong need that you have. Probably because of the suffocating presence of your mother in your life, the lack of freedom and privacy with her.
“I want my partner love me care about me support me as well and do the best for me”, and at the same time, a man who will allow you to say what is on your mind without limits, not argue with you, not pressure you to talk when you don’t feel like it, and give you the freedom and privacy that you need so much, “I prefer some times be alone do every thing I like say every thing I want without limit.. I don’t like to explain and convince people and some times I am not in the mood for talking”.
You like to travel, which gives you perhaps that sense of freedom that you highly value and you don’t want to be too responsible for others, again, it is that sense of freedom that you need so much, “I don’t like to accept responsibility I prefer to control my own life only“.
Now specifically, regarding this man: the benefit as I see it is that he is married and has three children, and therefore is not a man who is eager to get married and have children. So you don’t have the responsibility for children or for a husband. He is with you sometimes but you get a lot of the freedom and privacy that you need.
The problem is that you do “missed him so much” and you are distressed about him having a wife who is not you. Clearly, you need a man who is single and who is able and willing to respect your strong need for freedom and privacy, of time alone.
Regarding his plan: “he told me after 5 years he will say her has me in his life and is she don’t want she can go”- meaning when his younger kid is ten and older is 17, then he will tell his wife not that he wants a divorce, but that she must accept that he has a lover, and only if she refuses to accept it, then she can leave him. Did I understand correctly?
anita
December 19, 2018 at 8:51 am #269975EliParticipantDear Anita yes absolutely right
December 19, 2018 at 9:03 am #269979AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
So his plan is to leave it up to her, to stay or leave. But you told him recently when you had a fight with him, “I told him you just use me and play with me and waste my life with fake hope when kids grow up you will leave her“-
I don’t understand then, is the plan that she leaves him if she chooses to leave him, or is his plan that he will leave her in five years?
anita
December 19, 2018 at 9:25 am #269987EliParticipantDear Anita I never look at this point from this view .
I just know he said after 5 years he will say to her he has lover and want want live with me if she accept Okey if not she can go get divorce or leave him or she can accept and stay with her kids in their home but ex bf will stay with me and just go for check kids and support them
December 19, 2018 at 10:07 am #269999AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
I think that his plan needs to be very clear to you. Let me see if I understand his plan:
in five years, the end of 2023 or the beginning of 2024, he will tell his wife that he has a lover and wants to live with you. At that time, if she says: okay, then he moves in with you and goes to check on his kids who will be living with her in the house where they now live.
If she says it is not okay, then he tells her: I am moving in with my lover anyway. You have a choice: to leave the house or stay in the house, to get a divorce of not get a divorce, but regardless, I am moving in with my lover.
Did I understand correctly?
* And by the way, why is the plan in five years, not before and not after?
anita
December 19, 2018 at 10:11 am #270001MichelleParticipantEli – this man is lying to you and stringing you along. He won’t leave his wife in five years. You will always be just his lover.
I sincerely hope you gain enough confidence to see this for what it is.
December 19, 2018 at 10:29 am #270005EliParticipantDear Anita your understanding is correct .and why he always said 5 years it’s because of his youngest kid he wants he group more enough
December 19, 2018 at 10:30 am #270007EliParticipantDear Michella
I don’t know why even after I met new man I was crying and missed this married man and I feel guilty .
I really feel I am so dump
December 19, 2018 at 10:52 am #270015AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
There are a few things for you to figure out and resolve: the harmful to you relationship with your mother, so that you can have a sense of freedom, freedom from her being in your life.
Then there is the employment/ money issue: you wrote that you quit your job so you could travel. You mentioned looking for a job next. Does it mean that currently you are dependent on this man for all living expenses?
Looking for employment is an excellent next move, I strongly believe.
Regarding this man, you tried to break up before but failed to remain separated from him. He stated a plan that we discussed here. Why don’t you talk with him calmly about his plan, get more details. If you are going to rely on someone else’s plan for your life, better find out the details. For example: is there any chance at all that his wife will say in five years that it is okay with her that he has a lover?
And if it is not okay with her in five years, what is she likely to do, argue, fight… look for you to confront you… turn to his parents or his family members so that they pressure him to not proceed with his plan to move in with you? And if she does any of these things, how will he respond?
Prepare questions to ask him, ask him calmly, listen to his answers. Share them here if you want. See if his plan makes basic sense or not.
In less than an hour I will be away from the computer and will resume communication with you more at length if you want tomorrow morning.
You mentioned being dumb in your most recent post. I don’t think you lack intelligence. I think you struggle with emotions, needing love and freedom at the same time, and not having enough of either one. I think you need freedom from your mother, from any part of her in your life. I think you need freedom from any and all dishonesty in your life, any and all lies and pretenses. You need honesty, and trust, to trust someone worthy of your trust.
anita
December 19, 2018 at 10:53 am #270017AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
December 20, 2018 at 5:41 am #270115EliParticipantDear Anita I will talk with him and update you and will write here what’s he means exactly thank you
December 20, 2018 at 6:11 am #270125AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
You are welcome. Do your best to be rational and calm when you talk with him, when you listen to him. Intend to have only one purpose at this point, talking to him, and that one purpose is: to get information about his plan. Do your best to be patient as you ask and listen, don’t express anger, don’t argue! If you do, your objective will not be achieved.
You want to know his plan, that is all. If he doesn’t have answers to your basic questions, such as what I brought up to you, then it means he didn’t think much about his plan, and that gives you information in itself, that he didn’t think about his plan, but instead just blurted it out.
Be calm, don’t argue throughout talking to him. If you feel that you are getting angry, stop the conversation, relax and later let me know what he said. After that you can have another conversation with him. Be patient.
anita
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