Home→Forums→Relationships→Don't blame please I m with married man
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December 17, 2018 at 9:57 am #269677AnonymousGuest
Dear Eli:
I suppose your bf doesn’t change on you like your mother did, telling you she loves you and next that she wished you were never born. Unlike her he is quite stable in what he tells you, doesn’t go from one extreme to the other?
Interesting, my mother followed me too, although I am not sure it is the same kind of following. How did your does your mother follow you?
anita
December 17, 2018 at 10:04 am #269679EliParticipantDear Anita I left family home and lived alone then she always keep calling me and said oh I am Ill I am not well I need care take me to this hospital to that hospital do this do that and if I said no she told me some world and I really feel so bad guilty and I wish to die and never heard them again .
I couldn’t not be firm with her and said no and stop her and again I back to her and even take her to my home
She always blamed me why you met this guy that guy always asking about my private life an sky relation.
And every time I stopped her she spotted and crying like small baby.
One of my bf got so angry and left me and he said you are not small girl why your mother is like this and we break up my mother don’t like him.she always said me you are not clever and smart look at other girls with half of your beauty they made amazing life and perfect marriege but you just wasting your time and let guys play and use you.
December 17, 2018 at 10:18 am #269683AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
Your mother is a bad influence in your life, a negative force. I wish you ended contact with her. I did it eventually, wish I ended contact with her decades before I finally did.
Interesting, isn’t it, that your mother told you that “you just wasting your time and let guys play and use you”, when it has been she who has wasted your time, played and used you. It is like… she wants to be the Only One to use you…?
anita
December 17, 2018 at 10:27 am #269685EliParticipantShe wants I be like nourse home maid I don’t know what to do with her every time I ignore her I feel so bad then she message and said oh I will die you never see me again ….some words like this .
December 17, 2018 at 10:33 am #269687AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
I know the I-will-die message personally. My mother used to threaten suicide because, she said, I hurt her so much. I felt very guilty too. I felt like a bad person. It took me decades to figure out, eventually, that… she was/ is the bad person. What a surprise it was for me, when I realized that. I believed I was the bad one, but not so.
anita
December 17, 2018 at 10:36 am #269689EliParticipantDear Anita
Do you think I am happy for share a man with other lady and always live inside fears that maybe she leaves me and back to his family and every thing he told me were lies .
But I am sure if I leave him my mother will blame me all the times oh you were with him for 5 years now how you will support your self maybe you want back to my home………
December 17, 2018 at 11:23 am #269697AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
It is the choices we find ourselves facing: bad and not as bad… which one hurts less.
I settled for a lot of “not as bad” situations that were bad. I didn’t know that there was a third possibility, I only knew of two: bad and worse.
I hope there is a third possibility for you too. Maybe you don’t see it now, just like I didn’t see it for many, many years.
I will soon be away from the computer and back tomorrow morning, my time. It has become a pleasure to communicate with you recently as we have so much in common (unfortunately for the two of us!). I hope to read more from you, maybe about that third possibility. Back in about sixteen hours.
anita
December 17, 2018 at 11:27 am #269701EliParticipantThank you dear Anita good luck
December 17, 2018 at 11:47 am #269713AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Eli and thank you for wishing me good luck. Same to you. Post again, will you? Back in about sixteen hours.
anita
December 17, 2018 at 12:18 pm #269715EliParticipantOf course I will post again .Anita I had fight with him I told him you just use me and play with me and waste my life with fake hope when kids grow up you will leave her but its bullshit and he said oh I wanted to have lover but you want be more than this and be everything I said Okey it’s not working like this I want to have my own life he said yah yah maybe you saw some guys you like them but besure they just want take you to bed no thing else and then he said some bad words and I blocked him and he did the same
December 18, 2018 at 7:05 am #269795AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
I am glad you intend to post again. I would like you and I to communicate on and on and on, definitely for as long as you find it helpful. It so happens that at some point on, I felt that I like you, and I do like you.
I think that you are in a tough situation that isn’t going to get easier any time soon, but over time and effort and learning, your life can become oh, so much better. It is not a matter of resolving this particular relationship with this man that will bring about that better life. It takes so much more.
But one step at a time, with a lot of patience, it can be done.
Notice what you wrote yesterday: “Do you think I am happy for share a man with other lady and always live inside fears that maybe (he) leaves me and back to his family and every thing he told me were lies“- before you are able to know for sure if he lies to you, you have to figure out the lies your mother told you.
Because a child automatically believes what her mother says, does not question it. And then, as an adult, as a woman, if you still believe her lies, you are unable to know for sure, who lies to you and what lies are told. It is when you see your mother as a person, not as a god of sorts, that you are able to see yourself and others clearly.
When “she message and said oh I will die you never see me again”- I suspect there is a lie there. How did she say that she will die, from what/ how?
anita
December 18, 2018 at 7:59 am #269811EliParticipantDear Anita I was waiting for you welcome back .I like to talking with you as well.today I feel better .
You know I want thinking to back to my last job or find new job an story to be depend on myself only.
I remember one time I feed the rabbits in garden with some vegetables and our neibers was complaining oh you make dirty our street I see my mom is telling oh Okey I am sorry but when she came inside she told me oh Eli this man fighting me because EOF your fault any way I get so angry I go out and fight with them so badly and when I come back I see she is sitting and drink morning coffee and I just look so stupid .
She always play with me and use me no thing else .
December 18, 2018 at 10:34 am #269853AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
Like I shared with you before, I finally ended all contact with my mother. I was a child when I first wanted to have nothing to do with her. Then when I was thirty, I wrote her a letter regarding taking a break from contact with her. It was only twenty years after that letter that I finally end contact with her. I never imagined it was possible for me, the guilty feelings were too intense.
If only I did this thirty years ago, my life would have been so much better. I could have saved myself a lot of misery and started healing way earlier than I did.
What do you think about ending contact with your mother, is it something you wanted before, something you wished for?
anita
December 18, 2018 at 10:57 pm #269929EliParticipantDear Anita how much I am happy I can share all this with you.
I think I must cut with her and don’t have any connection with her because she just add more prrsspre and tension to my life .
Last night I was in date and see this new guy he got divorced 5 years ago he has one daughter she is 14 years old . He look nice and he told me he want to know me more and we go out more .after than when I come back all the night I was crying and ask my self how I trow 5 years memories in rubbish like this and I missed my ex bf and I wish to talk with him again see him again
I don’t remember how I spend the night any way in the morning I got email from ex that he again said I love you I can not live with out you be patient please
Today I stay at home because I don’t feel well I don’t answer calls I rejected all them .and I really fill so confused Anita I am waiting for you thanks
December 19, 2018 at 5:14 am #269941AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
What I want for you is the same a s what I want for myself: to live the rest of my life in as much peace as possible: peace of mind, peace in relationships.
In achieving that peace, as much as possible of it (our world is not a peaceful place), I believe in looking at reality and see it as it is. Not as we wish it would be, but as it really is.
We all have basic needs: food, shelter, love. What I mean by love is a connection with at least one other person where there is honesty, empathy/ affection, and respect between the two. One relationship where you are comfortable being yourself. Let’s look at your relationship with your mother: no honesty on her part, no empathy, no respect. Instead she is punishing, trying to make you feel badly.
For your peace, better end that relationship. It doesn’t matter who the person is, be it a parent or anyone else, if that person disrespects you and punishes you, don’t have that person in your life at all.
Let’s look at the married man: he told you most recently, “be patient please”.
Patient for what? What is his plan that you should be patient with???
anita
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