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Domestic Abuse Victim – Advice for help

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • February 29, 2016 at 1:14 pm #97652
    SumS
    Participant

    I have a real close friend who is struggling to make a decision to get out of an Verbally and Physically abusive relationship. To provide some background, the friend is married for more than 5 years now and have been having marital problems on and off. I recently found out that her husband has physically abused – beat her several times in the past. The recent episode was the most upsetting since it happened in front of her parent who was helpless and was not able to stop it. 🙁
    I have tried my best to be supportive and also provided my advice whenever she needed it. I have told her several times in the past that whatever decision she makes, I will support her till the end. She just need to make sure that if she wants to stay in this relationship than she is fully aware of the situation she is in. Her husband keeps wanting to “work it out” and says that he is sorry that he raised his hands but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He has never once said anything to her directly, he said this to her cousin. When it happened, he told her that only if she stops instigating, this would not have happened. He has his own list of complains.

    As a supportive friend, I have told her that I believe that they both are at fault to let the relationship get to a point where it is difficult to even have a simple conversation. BUT, I also told her that it does not matter what happened, physical abuse is unacceptable and should never be justified as ‘you asked for it’ OR ‘you made me do it’. I personally think that this relationship can only work if her husband takes full responsibility of his actions and does something to correct it. Everything else, all other problems can be worked out.
    But, as far as I know he doesn’t want to even talk about IT forget taking responsibility. I don’t think it is worth it for my friend to continue.

    I also, don’t want to make decisions for her, I want to support her and help her make her own decisions. Do you all have any tips on how can I provide support? What are the things I can do or say to help her through this bad time? Unfortunately, We are not in the same location, else I would have smothered her with Hugs and TLC 🙁

    Please advice !

    February 29, 2016 at 1:29 pm #97656
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SumS:

    Before and if I have any advice: how old is your friend? Does she have children? How many and how old? Are they witnesses to the physical and verbal abuse? Is the physical and verbal abuse done all by the husband and the wife is a victim of both?

    And when you wrote: “The recent episode was the most upsetting since it happened in front of her parent who was helpless and was not able to stop it” – was it your friend’s mother? father? How was the parent helpless? Didn’t the parent say anything? Do anything? Just stood there..?

    anita

    February 29, 2016 at 1:31 pm #97657
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I would call the police. Hitting/abusing someone is never ok, Relationship or not. Nobody has the right to hit someone, ever. Unless you life is in danger, nobody has the right to hit anyone.

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    March 2, 2016 at 1:02 pm #97849
    SumS
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies.

    Early 30s, No children. Verbal by both, Physical abuse by the husband and wife is the victim.
    Incident happened in front of Father, who is physically incapable of stopping it. He did ask the husband to stop several times. 🙁

    Calling the Police is not an option for her. I don’t I can intervene and do it for her. 🙁

    March 2, 2016 at 1:37 pm #97850
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SumS:

    If I was you, caring for innocent children being hurt by such behavior by parents, I would greatly encourage your friend to not get pregnant and to not.. bring children into this marriage. This would be my first priority. If I was to have any influence on the situation, this would be the first influence I would aim at.

    Second, would be to encourage her to leave him because he physically abuse her. The mutual verbal abuse does not justify or make okay the physical abuse on his part.

    I appreciate you caring so much for your friend!

    anita

    March 3, 2016 at 7:58 am #97883
    SumS
    Participant

    This is good advice and trust me, I have done my share of giving her advice.

    I know A LOT of others are advising her as well. I did not want to just tell her to do things or behave and think in certain way. I want to know how to really just be there for her and support her. How to provide emotional support (minus advice) that will make her strong and specially will make her think of the future in a positive way.

    I truly believe that there are great things yet to happen in her life, but I also know that given her current state of mind she is not in a position to even think about the future in a positive manner.

    Thanks !

    March 3, 2016 at 9:09 am #97893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sums:

    Best way, as I see it in this case, is just listen to her. Be a safe place for her to express herself, to talk, to say anything on her mind without fearing disapproval. And often advice has disapproval in it, as in telling her: “you should be doing this!” It carries the message: “you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing!”

    And she knows she shouldn’t be doing what she is doing but she feels too weak and powerless to not be doing what she is doing, too weak and powerless, helpless, paralyzed to be doing what she knows she should be doing.

    So helping her would be to encourage her feeling that she has some power over her life; to encourage in her the belief that she is somewhat resourceful, capable. How? By listening to her without advice, as you wrote; listening to her with empathy, expressing your empathy; letting her know you hear her, that she mattered because you are listening… that you are listening because she matters. Letting her know her feelings are valid (there are reasons for her helplessness, reasons that make sense).

    Without giving advice and without any input but empathy and acceptance, you can make a difference.

    I would still do whatever is in my power, if it comes up, to discourage her from bringing children into this world in her state of mind and state of the marriage. That will be my only exception to the No Advice Policy.

    anita

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