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Does tragedy have a domino affect?

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  • October 19, 2017 at 6:08 am #173849
    Roselea
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m hoping to get some advice about how to gain back happiness and  balance in your life after and during a series of tragic events. I guess I also just want to talk anonymously and hear if anyone else has suffered from the domino affect of grief.

    5 years ago I was in love with my life, I had some how managed to create my perfect life balance of work, travel, family and friends. I felt enriched and passionate, I had an exciting career and the best friends you could imagine. In 2013 the losses began.. My mum became terminally ill, I left my career of 12 years and my home to care for her and when she died a couple of months later I couldn’t cope. I was one of those kids, brought up by a single parent with no other family, I used to cry every time she left me for 5 minutes! Even as I grew up I couldn’t bare to leave her. Sometimes I think she loved me too much and needed me to love her too much.

    In the past 4 years I have tried so hard to rebuild my life, I put myself through university, but have just quit my final year. I got a puppy, but she died after 4 beautiful years ( hence not being able to complete my degree). I met a man, but it fell apart and deeply hurt us both. I lost my father, that I’d never really known, and somehow along the miserable journey of the past 4 years I’ve lost all of my friends. I keep trying so desperately to be the person I was before, to feel the world the same way as it used to feel, but I can’t shake the domino affect of grief. Everything I build falls apart..

    October 19, 2017 at 7:36 am #173865
    Peter
    Participant

    My own experience on dealing with loss and how to “gain back happiness” was to understand that happiness wasn’t a something that we gained or lost but ‘a something’ that is experienced in the moment when we notice. We are surprised by joy, surprised by happiness. The key to be surprised is to remain open to possibility.  I think that is how we move forward and live life in the present moment as it is, life as it is, and find that we can say Yes to our experiences.

     

    The following link connects to many good talks on dealing with loss http://www.crazygoodgrief.com/the-best-ted-talks-on-grief-growth/

    October 19, 2017 at 10:13 am #173881
    Roselea
    Participant
    1. Thanks Peter, I understand what you’re saying and think you’re right that I’m struggling to feel and live in the moment, and am often struggling to come to terms with the past or control the future. I’ll check out the link and thanks again for your reply.
    October 19, 2017 at 10:37 am #173885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roselea:

    You wrote that before 2013, you “had some how managed to create my perfect life balance of work, travel, family and friends”- that perfection couldn’t have lasted even if your mother didn’t get sick. Perfection such as you stated does not last and last.

    You wrote: “I keep trying so desperately to be the person I was before, to feel the world the same way as it used to feel, but I can’t shake the domino affect of grief. Everything I build falls apart..”-

    it is impossible to be the person you were before, and so, it is not a healthy aim. Stop trying and your life experience will be better for it.

    You wrote: “Everything I build falls apart”- that is the nature of life, what we build, we lose. At the end we lose life itself. Loss is the nature of living, loss of time, of youth, of pets, of people; loss of things, of emotional experiences. We lose what matters to us and we lose what doesn’t matter much. We lose it all.

    Plants flower, their flowers are sometimes exquisite to our eyes, beautiful colors, fragrance, and then they are lost, wilt and die, dry, lose their colors and fragrance.

    It is when we accept nature, life as it-is that our emotional well being is at its best. I hope you post again.

    anita

    October 21, 2017 at 5:52 am #174073
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roselea:

    I thought about your thread, your share, early this morning before turning on the computer and wanted to re-visit it, to add to my first reply to you. I hope more members reply as well.

    The tragic events you listed are: your mother becoming terminally ill in 2013 and dying two months later, leaving your 12 year career so to care for her, your dog dying, quitting final year in university because of the death of your dog, a relationship with a man ending painfully,  your father dying, losing all your friends.

    Some of these tragic events were out of your control, that is, none of your choosing: the illness and the death of your mother, your dog, and your father. Other events were of your choosing: leaving your career of 12 years and quitting university. The other events were partly your choosing: the ending of your relationship with the man and with your friends.

    It is important to make the distinction between events we chose, partly chose and those that we had no choosing in. In your second post you wrote that you are “often struggling to come to terms with the past or control the future”- you can control only what you have a choice about. This is why it is important to make the distinction between events we choose  and events we have no choice about.

    The serenity prayer states: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

    The difference is knowing what events of those you listed you couldn’t have changed, had no choosing and no control over and what events you could have changed, controlled to some degree or another, had choice about.

    Also, your mother dying meant a lot more to you than your father, whom you wrote that you didn’t really know. About your mother you wrote: “I used to cry every time she left me for 5 minutes! Even as I grew up I couldn’t bare to leave her.

    Notice that when you were a child you already felt loss whenever your mother left you for five minutes. it was a five minute-or-so tragedy over and over again, whenever she left, correct?

    You wrote “Sometimes I think she loved me too much and needed me to love her too much”- would you like to elaborate on this powerful statement?

    anita

     

     

     

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