Hi Milena,

I’m sorry to say this, but this man is not your boyfriend, but your roommate. He is disrespectful of you, verbally abuses you, and is not ready to be in a long term committed relationship with anyone, except for anyone except his drinking buddies. He may be young right now, but one day he is going to wake up alone, his “drinking” buddies have gotten older, perhaps married or have girlfriends, and he will wonder what happened. He does not sound like he is going to change, grow, or even wants to change and settle down. I think you should kick this roommate out, and find a healthy, loving, respectful man who will treat you well, and make you feel happy and loved.

Hi Milena,

Who initiated that you got back together after 3 months apart? I would be interested in how that happened and his reasons for after a few months of ‘living his life’ as he liked without the “burden”, agreeing to get back together.

If he is acting this way; prioritising his friends, criticising you, not respecting or listening to your feelings or attitudes, not only is it cruel and selfish but you need to ask him what he even wants or expects from a relationship. And truly, if you’re going to have any hope together you need to talk openly about this and ask him directly if he loves you, and if he says he does then he needs to care about your feelings and show it.

Personally I wouldn’t be able to tolerate being treated that way. I don’t know any more details of your relationship and intimacy but I would feel used for whatever or whenever it suits him, with your preferences ignored. I also wouldn’t put up with so much drinking and immaturity. As others have said, he may  be young and want to have his fun, but if you don’t like that lifestyle you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Instead you could find somebody more suited for you and more mature. (with time)

You said he is continually hurting you, not calling you, disregarding you. If you don’t end this relationship, the pain and hurt will continue. I am in the midst of an ending relationship this moment (it’s why I’m on this forum), it’s not the first time but inside everything is crying and begging to do anything to get back or stay with him. I feel I can’t bear the pain, and I don’t want to start again, throw away all our relationship, lose someone so close and important to me. So I understand the suffering you are feeling, have felt, and will feel. But you need to talk to him very very openly and clearly. Truly listen and find out whether you believe he really cares for you. If he isn’t able to care enough, as it seems so far from your message, if he isn’t able to to listen, understand discuss and compromise sensibly on the issues, you need to take the initiative and end it. Of course it’s impossibly painful but it’s painful anyway as you say.

The only vague comfort perhaps is the thought that at some point in the future you may have another beautiful relationship but that can’t happen until this ends. A necessary pain