I think you still might have a shot with your bf. But as anita said, you need to be very honest with yourself.
I think it’s important you don’t blame anyone else, but try to figure out how you contributed to this mess.

I’m wondering why you clung (?) to a person who was not a good enough boyfriend to stay with you, nor a good enough friend to actually stay in your life and be a real friend? You seem to have known that you weren’t “just friends”…
And how can you keep a relationship of 7 years from a “friend”??

I can understand that your bf has lost trust, even without your ex saying to him what he said. So you need to build that trust up again by being very honest about your mistakes, about what happened and about what you feel towards him. If your bf is not a total asshole he will give you the chance to tell your part of the story after he has worked through his initial anger.
You can’t know if being honest and open is enough to get back together and try again, but it is the first step, and necessary for clearing up this mess and forgiving/not fostering any more regrets.

(You could maybe let him know that you want him to know your part of the story which is very different from the version he has been told, but that you understand his anger/confusion and respect his space, so that he should let you know when he feels ok to talk about things…)

I wish you the very best!

Dear Jess,

Ok, now I got it 😀

I just broke up with my bf after 6 years of a rollercoaster relationship, and it’s the first time I have to face being alone after about 10 years. Plus I had a very lonesome childhood and my first boyfriend died when i was 17. So I can really relate to your attachment issues and your fear of losing either of them.

But since the breakup I also learned a lot about healthy boundaries, and about making healthy decisions for myself.

I wonder whether you hid your rekindled relationship only because you didn’t want to hurt the guys feelings (which I get now, as you broke up with him although he was there for you when you got abandoned…?), or also because you couldn’t really justify getting back together with someone who has abandoned you… Did that ever get resolved, and can you be sure of that relationship now? Is there enough trust? I wonder whether you are neglecting your own truth somewhere in here.
Why does your (ex)-bf believe someone else more than you?

I think you should figure out what is actually good for you, what you want, and then stand up for it… you have the right to have your own preferences and choices, and no honest friend will leave you for that.

Btw do you know about CoDA? (Codependents Anonymous?)

Dear Jess:

Well, I feel empathy for you because I know fear and how powerful it is. If you explain this to your more recent boyfriend, he may feel empathy for you too.

If you explain this to him, and he is willing to help you with your abandonment anxiety; if you and him communicate about it regularly, then it can be a good, healthy relationship. I am sure he has his own anxieties, issues, challenges. And so you can help each other.

So potentially, it may work. I think in its core, this is not an issue of lack of character on your part, hiding each from another, but a matter of fear.

If you bring your issue to the light with him (opposite of hiding!) and ask for his help, and if he does help you and you express appreciation for his attention and help, that can give him a very good feeling, of being helpful, of making a difference (to you).

anita