Dear Jack:

We all HAVE TO have a sense of control over our lives. If we have no control we would be way,way more messed up than we already are. This homeless man used to come to this coffee shop I was in, every day. He would come with a big white trash can, sit at a table and take out his own mug, his own sugar container and this and that and place everything neatly on the table, in a particular order, making sure all is set just right. Then he would take a piece of paper and make neat lists. He needs order, he needs to affect order in his life. We all do. Even Buddhists do.

anita

* Dear Sunflower: I agree with your suggestion that trying to let go of (all) control will be counter productive. We can’t help but needing a sense of control. It is undeniable and can not be negotiated with, the basic need for control. We can decide how much control is useful to us and what kinds of control harms us. But some control- we must have.

anita

* Dear SunflOwer:

To try to answer your question I looked at the only thread i believe you started here from Feb 2015, about the five year relationship then with a man controlled by his ex, an ex who controlled him and by extension, you. I wonder if that relationship is over? To your question then, to get the most helpful amount of control without being ABUSIVE, is the question, without harming oneself and/ or another?

I would need specifics, of a particular situation if you have one.

Routines, though are quite harmless that that is one way of controlling, healthy routines, that is, so you are controlling your time effectively.
anita

I hope I can answer in a way that helps the thread vs hijacking it…

Yes, that relationship has been over since that post. I am learning to be grateful of this.

I am not so concerned about control in terms of another and abuse atm.

I often get sidetracked, lose focus, or direct my energies away from necessary things that need doing. This can then feel ‘out of control’ of myself as important things do not get done.

I was thinking of control in terms of self control and balancing that. For me, the act of trying for too much self control can lead to feeling out of control as I may want to rebel from myself. Yet, when I create positive habits, the struggle for control seems to not be a struggle to rebel from or judge how I am doing.

I am not certain I am explaining this well.

Jack,

You are right,”The negative, dark forces within and without, are the ones we have to confront or avoid because they can take us down the wrong road.” I believe that the dark forces within ourselves are the ones that need the most avoidance/confrontation because we are our own worst critics. We have the power to belittle and destroy ourselves in ways no one else can, mentally. We can be our own worst enemy/nightmare.

Also, in regards to noisy loud people, I’ve never been able to stand them, it’s too much for me. I understand they must be excited, riled up, angry, etc but there is no need to bother everyone else with your noise. We don’t need to hear their conversations from more than a few feet away. And if the conversation is directed at me, well, no need to be so loud, I’m standing right there.

Ahh, routines. Regardless of how much I like to think that I don’t have a routine, I do. Several actually, for different parts of my day, and I get anxious if things don’t go as usual. It throws me off and has me thinking I’ll have a bad day, or that something bad is going to happen, I don’t know why I think that way, I just do.

And as for being control freaks, well to some extent, everyone is, just in different aspects of life. For some it’s their car, their chores, schedules, etc.

* Dear Sunflower:

I posted above at the same time you did last and didn’t see your post until now. You wrote: “I often get sidetracked, lose focus, or direct my energies away from necessary things that need doing. This can then feel ‘out of control’ of myself as important things do not get done.I was thinking of control in terms of self control and balancing that. For me, the act of trying for too much self control can lead to feeling out of control as I may want to rebel from myself. Yet, when I create positive habits, the struggle for control seems to not be a struggle to rebel from or judge how I am doing.”

I think what you are describing is doing too much in efforts to calm fear, or needing to do too much or beating yourself up for not doing enough, all in efforts to be calm. As in: I can’t be calm now unless and until I do this and that and then that too. So you pressure yourself, put undo, too much, and ineffective pressure on yourself, pressure that works against you, is that correct?

Dear Jack:

About your workplace example, what if you display confidence about your lack of it, that is what if you were comfortable about being uncomfortable, accept it and not be scared of it? What if you were “a high strung hyena” who is comfortable with being just that, a high strung hyena, so to speak…?

anita