Hi Sultana,

Let’s take a look at this. You have done 100% of the compromising and it’s worn you out and undermined your financial stability. This guy (and his kid) are on the gravy train because you are really a nice & generous person.

I’m really sorry that things went seriously south for him with his job and career; clearly he was wounded by that sequence of events and lost his momentum. BUT, this is not about him, it’s about you.

If you still think it can work out after this much damage, may I suggest that you lay down some ground rules and boundaries, especially for the kid who is in your precious home (17 and smoking/drinking??!). First and foremost, put a deadline on the financial bleeding. Give the man two weeks to get real about money. Lay it out in black and white for him. Draw up a budget and stick to it especially if you want to stay with him. Second, tell the father that it is not acceptable for his child to be running roughshod over your lifestyle under your roof!

Most importantly, you need to keep your money for yourself and your lifestyle (farm, pets). You have a future to plan for and must provide and plan for yourself. No one else is going to do that for you, not him at any rate, he loves to dine out but that is not going to pay the mortgage. He may be over “luxury” items and want a simpler life, sure, you are the one keeping a roof over his head. No disrespect, but he is sounding a wee bit deluded about reality.

The good news: Every couple must negotiate these financial matters. Love is great, but it doesn’t pay the bills.

Lay down the law before you lose your mind, your love for him and your chosen lifestyle. Did he help you originally by the farm and animals? If so, it’s a bit more complicated because you are/were dependent on him to manifest your dream to begin with. If that’s the case, you may have to downsize here and there, but you can build back up later. Better to do what you have to do and not go under than to lose the whole place.

Good luck, please write and let us know how it turns out.

Thanks Sojourner.

Hi Sultana

We are lacking some clear boundaries in the relationship here. Perhaps, you could lay out what is negotiable and non-negotiable in this relationship.

Once, your boundaries are clear in your mind, set some time apart to have a heart to heart conversation with your partner. Give him an opportunity to lay out his boundaries. See if you can work through them. If not, you have your answer.

Have the courage to be honest with yourself. When we are honest with self, all decisions become easy and anxiety doesn’t touch us. If we continue to run away from the outcomes as you would like to sit on the fence, you know where life will take you then, yeah ?

You are not responsible for anyone else’s health, happiness, well being or peace. The only person who needs your outmost attention is YOU. I hope you will give YOURSELF a serious chance. Once YOU are ok, I promise, life will never feel burdensome or anxiety prone again 🙂

Blessings,

Jasmine

Saltana, I’m glad this forum has helped guide you to find the right path for you and your relationship. Speaking strictly as a member of the peanut gallery with zero investment in your personal circumstances, I’d respectfully ask you to reconsider the ultimatum about the son. This boy is not some random housemate, he is the son of your partner. It is a parent’s responsibility to care for and nurture his children until they are of the age and ability to make it on their own. At the risk of sounding judgmental, your position that it’s “the son or me” is rather uncompromising and frankly, selfish. You ask “Is it right for him to put his son before us?” I don’t think he’s putting the son BEFORE you, he is fulfilling his parental responsibility. It would seem you are the one attempting to put yourself before the son. Children are not disposable. That’s not to say your partner shouldn’t look to enforce some better rules and boundaries with him. You have every right to live in an environment that enables you to be happy and healthy, so if living with his son does not work for you, so be it. It just seems there should be a way you can work through this together without booting out the child. Forgive me as there is probably a kinder way for me to make this point. I was a child of divorce and it would break my heart to think my dad would choose a relationship with a woman over me. Likewise, I was a loving stepmother to my (now ex) partner’s teenage son. Children deserve to be nurtured and loved, not thrown out with the rubbish to fend for themselves in an enviroment that is clearly distressing (his mother’s house in this case). My best to you.

Wow Sultana. Now this is what I call a good example of setting clear boundaries, clearing misconceptions, politely advising others to stop being judgmental and minding their own business.

Woman power to the max. Way to go 🙂

J