Dear Lynda:

I quote from your posts because it helps me to process information when I type your words: “explaining myself becomes too complicated and I have feelings of overwhelm and that I cannot breathe… To not be agreeable all the time… why do I go speechless and cannot find my voice when someone asks a question about my life…If I had of just stood and presented myself for who I am, slowed down, been truthful…I need to have a life again, am desperate for it. And being honest is the way to go… an old university friend (male) has got back in touch with me… very attractive, he is single… said he was gutted I left and that he has always had a soft spot for me… we have arranged to meet up… just the two of us”.

April 11 you wrote: “I really want to be my authentic self and tell people exactly what I think, what I can and cannot do at this time but I find it so hard, almost like I do not have the strength. I feel this pressure all the time to please people I suppose and I over explain myself and then hate myself after”.

When I communicate with you I have your well being in mind as well as your son’s, and the two are tightly connected, of course. I would love to read that this man is good news in your life, that he will be caring, loving, helpful. I hope this will be the case. I don’t have the position for example, that a single mother of a young child must not date. My position is that it is okay for a single mother to date if it is done right, that is, if it is helpful and not harmful to you (and to your son, same thing).

For this potential beginning relationship to be helpful to you, you have to address the assertiveness issue which rains on your parade of life in every area, from saying yes to the people where you volunteer (or volunteered) when it harms you, to not communicating to the friends with whom you stayed what you need, and so on. You will need to be assertive with this man as well, to communicate honestly and directly.

Like you, I too was too scared to be honest, too scared to be direct, didn’t even consider the possibility. That overwhelm factor you mentioned did indeed overwhelm me again and again, so much so that I watched my life from the outside, not having a say over what was happening to me. Through an intentional process of healing I went from that Overwhelm, an outsider in my own life, dishonest-out-of-fear, to assertive, a participant in my life and honest.

I wish it could be easy and quick. But it can not be easy or quick. It is difficult and slow, takes persistence, takes taking those small steps, building up assertiveness little by little. There is simply no fast and quick way when dealing with significant fear.

And then, there is no way to become assertive all by yourself and then interact with people assertively. Got to practice assertiveness, taking those little steps,  while interacting with others.

The fear, that Overwhelm, was born in childhood when you were punished for naturally asserting yourself. That punishment (be it anything from being yelled at to being given the silent treatment) has been well recorded in your brain. When you are in a situation of a potential conflict, a situation that may turn bad if you said the wrong thing, that old fear gets reactivated.

The small steps: notice when you interact with another and an honest thought runs through your mind, and then notice the fear at the thought of expressing that thought. Next, think: is there anything abusive to the other person if I express this thought? If not, express it. There will be fear involved, so make it short and simple and speak through the fear. Then wait, watch for the response. Start with something that cannot carry a bad consequence for you. With this man, doesn’t read like the risk is great, because there is not much promise there, hope but not promise. There is less risk with him then, let’s say, saying the wrong thing to the people you live with, when you and your son don’t have anywhere else to live.

I hope this post is not too long. If it is, take one part of it, process it and let me know what you think.

anita

Dear Lynda:

You wrote: “The fear factor of saying too much about my situation is possibly one reason why I just gloss over a little”.

When you did share too much with another, what was your motivation:

did you feel like the listener will take  all that you shared and figure out what you should do (because he/ she is capable to figure out what is best for you and you are not capable)?

anita