Hi Ace,

Here is what I think may be going on, this happens in alot of relationships. I hate to do this, but I’m not going to blame him, or the relationship, but our need sometimes for instant contact made possible by social media, online dating sites, chat rooms.

I see men at work or at my volunteer job, who have beautiful girlfriends, that have so much to offer, yet the men (or women) get “bored” and look to see if the “grass is greener on the other side”. Then they start “chatting with women, it goes on for awhile but fizzles out, as relationships rarely develop or work out “online”. Then the woman (or man) think “wow, what have I done, I left this great woman for this??” and then you usually hear back from them saying “they miss you”. This has happened to me, my my friends, my married friends, co-workers and so on. I think it all amounts to boredom. Boredom not with you, but just in general. Rather than reading a book or taking on a hobby or calling a friend, what is the closest thing to them where they can have “social interaction” being anonymous behind a computer screen? Its so easy, because they don’t “have to work so hard”. The closest thing to them is a computer or a smartphone and one click, they are on internet and instant flirting and communication. I think that is what is happening. When they find out the grass is not greener, they usually come back, but often, I will not take them back because I feel texting or e-mailing us cheating, if they do it once, chances are they will do it again. Let me know your thoughts. x

ACE:

I also came into contact with a narcissist/sociopath. I was married to him for 8 years and together for 12 years. From what I can tell you from my experience, these are very bad people who will never change and the reason for that is because they cannot change. It took me a very long time to finally realize what was happening to me and I was able to get out. I have a 4 year old son and we share custody and it has been nothing but difficult. My best advice to you: Do not contact them. They are extremely manipulative and if you were mentally abused just as I was it makes it harder. You want to believe they are good and that they didn’t mean the things they’ve done but the truth is they do. They know exactly what they are doing and the money you loaned him, I would just call that a loss. Good luck to you! Keep us posted

Dear Ace:

I like how you phrased the analogy between the dynamic in abusive love and addiction to a drug. I like your reasoning otherwise, as expressed. Looking forward to further posts by you.

anita

Dear Ace:

You are welcome. I am glad you posted an update!

You asked: “How do they do that?”, “that” being able to know “exactly what to say to me to make (you) feel bad for him”-

You are already that tendency, that … mental habit, the inclination to feel badly for a person who you otherwise think does not deserve your empathy, I am thinking. It is like a button that you have, it is right there, he pressed it before, it worked for him, so he does it again. Identify that button yourself, maybe with the help of your counsellor, and you will be able to be more aware when it is pushed and choose your response from that increased awareness.

Any ideas as to that button? Perhaps an old (untrue) belief that you are guilty/ responsible for another’s misfortune or discontent, as if you caused it, when you didn’t?

anita