fbpx
Menu

Do i fight or should he?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Do i fight or should he?

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
1 2
  • Author
    Posts
  • July 24, 2017 at 5:57 am #159812
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi all. Hoping for some guidance. My partner and I were together for a year. We fell in love seeminglessly and just seemed to fit together. He showed me a lot of love but also said some things which he shouldnt and I shouldnt have allowed him to say. For the most part though it was a great relationship with lots of potential. The last month, he changed and became very argumentative and verbally aggressive towards me. I tried to talk to him about it but he just shut me down not wanting to talk about it. Around the same time he started to hide his phone from my sight and became quite secretive. I knew he wasnt cheating on me cos it wasnt how he did things, I actually thought he could be gambling, (ongoing money issues). Then one day (5 weeks ago) he turned around after giving me the silent treatment and said he wanted to finish our relationship. We were living together in my flat at this point. I cried and we talked but i didnt beg or plead. He continued to live at mine for 3 more weeks but he worked away during the week so it wasnt too bad. I did then think he might have met someone and actually thought an ex had got intouch with him. Over thise 3 wks he was adamant he wanted to split but then trying to keep me in close incase he actually did lose me. It was very confusing. He then announced he had found somewhere to live and would move out at the wkend. One night he said he saw me on tinder and was quite obviously hurt and worried by that but I had gone on out of pain and anger and hid myself the next day. He made me feel stupid for going on a dating site and said you  wouldnt catch him back on one. When he moved out we were both very emotional and he hugged me tight and said I could go over to his in a couple of wks. He left and I started NC but didnt delete him from fb or whatsapp. Neither of us have posted on fb since. After 2 wks I decided to look on tinder again, same reason, just to see who was out there but having no intention of talkig or meeting anyone. I always hid my profile when I wasnt on cos I just wasnt ready to match with anyone. But then 1 day later I swipe left on 2 guys and the next guy is my ex

    July 24, 2017 at 6:59 am #159868
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ace,

    I think the reason he was hiding his phone was because he was on Tinder, WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook, etc, talking to other women. I know you said in your post “he’s not into that” but he never hid his phone from you before, and suddenly he does, starts verbally abusing you, moves out, lies that he does not go on dating sites, yet he is on Tinder? I don’t think I would want to “fight for a man who verbally abused me, moves out, goes on online dating sites, lies, gets sullen and hostile, etc. Someone like that is not treating you with value and respect and not worth fighting for. Let me know your thoughts..

    July 25, 2017 at 5:25 am #160010
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi Eliana

    Thanks for your reply. Had he been on Tinder before I would have seen him the last time I was on. He wasn’t, it is quite possible his friend was on Tinder when I was and saw me. I actually think an ex got in touch with him and that was what the whole phone hiding thing was, I also think he gambled. I am beginning to realise that he did probably mentally abuse me in many ways. I am so hurt right now and despite everything I still feel like I want him back and miss him and the good times we had. I have now deleted my Tinder profile completely, I realised that I have no business being on there until I have moved past this. I so want to reach out to him that all this and the way I am feeling is consuming me. I know I deserve better but long for the guy in my ex that I fell in love with, the guy who did show me love and care and commitment, though I know the bad part of him is still him. 🙁

    I also want to add that it scares the hell out of me that I am soon hitting 40 and I am nowhere near having the life/relationship I always thought I’d have.

    July 25, 2017 at 5:37 am #160014
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ace,

    It is very normal to go through a grieving process. It took me a very long time to get over my ex, and I wasn’t with him that long. Don’t try to suppress your thoughts, it will only make things worse. Allow yourself time to process your emotions, and healing. Sometimes, it’s the nostalgia and memories of that person, and “what could have been” that keep us thinking about them. Every time you think of the good memories, think of all the times he did not treat you well, you broke up for a reason.

    You are still very young, and just because you are forty does not mean you can’t enjoy life being single without a man. Take some time for yourself, hobbies, join a support group, volunteer at an animal sanctuary, take some classes, go to singles dances, bible study, etc. In time you will be happy again, and when men see you happy with yourself, they will graviate towards you. Keep us posted.

    July 25, 2017 at 6:53 am #160028
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ACE:

    In your original post you wrote that your ex boyfriend “said some things which he shouldn’t and I shouldn’t have allowed him to say”- can you give an example or two of things he said? As well as what you mean by him becoming “very argumentative and verbally aggressive” towards you in the last month of the relationship?

    * I didn’t understand your last line: “But then 1 day later I swipe left on 2 guys and the next guy is my ex”- that means, your ex was on tinder, a dating site?

    anita

    July 25, 2017 at 6:58 am #160032
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello Ace

    I would say think twice before reaching out to him.

    1. If you want to find out whether there’s a possibility for civil/peaceful conversation, then maybe its a good idea to see if he’s ready to talk to you or not.

    2. If you are reaching out to him just to “get him back”, then be prepared for the possible rejection.

    3. I don’t know him, but it’s also possible that he will not respond or respond to you in a very cold way.

    Before you contact him again, be sure that you will be ok with all possible outcomes. As for me, I tried to reach out to my ex several times, but got hurt even more each time he ignored me.

    I am also in my 30s and looking at my friends who are all married/having kids/in a relationship makes me wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, or ever have a successful relationship. However, I stopped worrying about that, I have decided just to enjoy myself and my life, and simply focus on making myself happy. Only when you are happy will you attract the right person – that’s what I believe now. Stay strong!

    Connie

    July 25, 2017 at 10:37 am #160108
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi

    Eliana, thank you for your reply. I know I need to try and focus on myself. Its just so hard when all my thoughts are consumed by him.

    Anita in response to your question about the things he said and shouldn’t; he would say to me that ‘I had big hips and a funny shape so shouldn’t wear certain style clothes’, ‘That he didn’t want to look/see my stomach,’ and other comments too. He wrapped them all up with loving comments and gestures so I never really felt they were offensive or attacking, more like he had my best interests at heart and it was constructive criticism. He wasn’t all bad though, he could be so loving and kind and caring and its that person that I miss so very much. I miss everything about him except the belittling. Yes after him putting me down that 2 weeks after finishing our relationship I went on Tinder and that he would never go on there. Last Sunday (which would have been our anniversary) I had been on for about 30 seconds when he appeared. Ive deleted my whole profile on there now and want to concentrate on myself, I cant bare seeing him on there either.

    Connie, I am definitely thinking twice about contacting him. I haven’t yet, don’t know if I will hold off or for how long. I know it should be him seeking me out but I feel that he needs to know the door is open :/

    I really appreciate everyones advice and am taking it on board. Its all just so hard. ACE

    July 25, 2017 at 10:56 am #160112
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ACE:

    As to your question: “Do I fight or should he?”- my answer: neither one should fight. This relationship needs to be in the past, as far as I can see. Reason: the belittling. No matter what package he wrapped it in, the “gift” is unloving, harmful to you and to the relationship.

    Once he told you that you have “big hips” and “a funny shape”, he can’t take it back. Won’t you forever remember that comment, even if he doesn’t repeat it!

    He may have placed this comment in an I-care-for-your-best-interest package, but a comment like that cannot possibly be for your best interest because there is nothing you can do to change your body proportions and shape. Hiding it in certain style clothing is a suggestion to … well, hide a fault, not fix it.

    It is fault in his mind, not in objective reality.

    My last line brings me to my next point: he doesn’t like your body shape, that is clear. This may be reason enough for him to not be in a relationship with you. It is his right to dislike whatever it is that he dislikes (but not his right to hurt you unnecessarily). If your body shape matters to him a lot (and it mattered enough for him to mention it!), a relationship with you is not going to be satisfactory to him.

    I hope you have a relationship in the future with a man who loves you and the way you look.

    anita

    July 25, 2017 at 1:28 pm #160154
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you so much for your honest reply. He said some of these types of comments to me in the very early days of our relationship, saying he loved me any way so it didn’t matter. We went on to have the relationship. Every now and again hearing these kind of comments, like I say always ‘packaged with love’. I am not justifying his comments, I know they were wrong. May be I should add (not that it matters) but I am a UK size 10. But even though I know this I still ache with pain and love for him. I have panic attacks and don’t feel like I can function properly without him. Pathetic I know. I want to stop feeling like this and the only way I can imagine feeling better is by getting him back, some how…

     

    Thank you so much for all your comments. They are helping.

    July 25, 2017 at 2:49 pm #160164
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Ace from what I read this relationship is so toxic that it has the potential to turn physically violent. It seems that there is some provocation going on that could easily lead to a fight.

    One thing I noticed is that you look on various social media sites looking to see what he is doing. I am not sure what value there is in doing this, but I think that not worrying about what he is doing with whom is essential to moving on if that is what you are looking for.

    When you said, ” I so want to reach out to him that all this and the way I am feeling is consuming me” I think needs to be re-evaluated by you. You feel you are being consumed by all this because you allow yourself to make yourself available to that. No person on Earth who is verbally abusive to you is worth fighting for. Suppose you do continue fight for him and you win. You get what you want. Along with that comes more verbal abuse and potentially violent abuse.

    You said, “the only way I can imagine feeling better is by getting him back, some how…” How is getting someone back who is verbally abusive to you going to make you feel better? The moments spent saying things like ” ‘packaged with love’ ” to you are NOT going to negate the verbal abuse.

    When you said “…don’t feel like I can function without him…” suggests a codependent relationship. Incidentally codependent relationships are quite often times a 2 way street, meaning you rely on him for some reason in such a way where “…I don’t feel like I can function without him” and him being dependent on you to be available for his aggression.

    Ace there are an unimaginable numbers of wonderful things to incorporate into your life, and people too. As long as you stay in this relationship you will not grow. Bottom line-get out, move on, be happy.

    July 25, 2017 at 4:24 pm #160182
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ace,

    You *can* function without him, because you functioned very well before you met him. Even when men treat us bad, unfortunately, we tend to defend them, saying “yes, but he was a good guy”..but he wasn’t. No good guy would treat a woman the way he treated you. I think it will just take to see this, as you are still emotionally charged and attached to him.

    As time goes on, anytime you think of a memory of him, think of all the demeaning things he said to you. Have hope, have hope for the future, a better one where you will have a healthy, loving stable relationship with a mature, loving respectful man who puts you first and values you. I would like to recommend a book that really helped me, I really hope you will read it, called “Co-dependent no more”. I too get in co-dependent relationships, that are unhealthy, with therapy, It has helped alot. There is also a 12 step program I am in (I do the phone groups only), called Co-dependents Anonymous. A wonderful program.

    July 26, 2017 at 11:49 am #160346
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ACE:

    You are welcome. You wrote that the only way you imagine feeling better is getting him back somehow, meaning you are willing to fight for him (fight, the verb in the title of your thread). How do you intend to fight for him?

    anita

    July 30, 2017 at 7:11 am #161054
    ACE
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your replies. Every one has given me a bit more strength. I haven’t been on this forum for a while because I needed to come to terms with some things that have really only just come to light, after speaking with my counsellor and friends who have been in similar situations. My ex is a narcissist and he emotionally abused me. I am not throwing that comment around lightly believe me, in fact despite him fitting the description in every way, I am still in denial and cant believe the man I fell in love with and stupidly still miss, love and want did these things to me. I am angry with myself for not realising it sooner or doing anything about it, and still wanting him!!?? Looking back I can see how he manipulated situations, took control of many parts of my life and became angry at me, chastising me in public when I didn’t live up to his expectations. He was never physically violent towards me, I do not believe he ever would have been. I can still see so much good in him despite everything :/ He used my finances for his own benefit, he even borrowed money from me when I wasn’t working and he was, I knew he had debts, but every time he made me think he would have some money he said ‘he had to pay the tax man a few thousand’ so me getting any back was unlikely. He would then give me some only to ask for part or all of it back a week or so later. I always complied because I loved him and had no reason to disbelieve his need for money or that he’d pay me back. He was living with me. He did give me some money but has left still owing me a lot. Before he moved out I got him to sign a paper which stated exactly what he owed and when he had to pay it back. I am yet to see if I get any back…

    Why despite all the above why do I still love/care for him and just want to hear from him? I know if he text or called me now that my heart would skip a thousand beats, but being the stubborn girl I am, I wouldn’t just roll over and take him back like nothing happened. But I would take him back. I’m also quite nervous because in a month I will be moving to the same city as him. I am not moving there because of him. I met him in this city, as I only live 30 mins away, and ever since I was about 18 I have wanted to live there. An opportunity has come up for me there so I am taking it but I am so, so scared of bumping into him with another woman, being all love struck like he was with me. I’m trying not to worry about it too much, who knows maybe he will be the one to see me all love struck with someone else but I cant move on from this so easily and I think he already has. Yes I could avoid the places he goes to but they are the places I like going and where people my age go. I am not sure how I will handle this situation. I just hope to meet new people and therefore new places. Maybe I’m over thinking it all.

    I am also realising like Eliana says, that I am a ‘co-dependent’ and I can see this behaviour in me in my past relationships. The counsellor is helping me get to the bottom of this but we are a long way off yet.

    Thank you all! Ace

    August 3, 2017 at 5:42 am #161852
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi all

    I haven’t heard anything since my last post and am keen to hear peoples thoughts.

    I text him last week to ask if he wanted me to drop off something he had left at mine. He replied straight away saying ‘Thanks but he wasn’t going to be home that day.’ He also mentioned that he would send me some money once he ‘had worked out how much he had spare.’ I didn’t say anything about the money as that was not why I contacted him. We agreed that I would drop the item off on his doorstep (it wasn’t valuable). That is what I did. We haven’t spoken since and he was supposed to send me some money on Monday, he hasn’t. So I guess I will have to text him to ask where it is.

    I am now having some good days, the bad days still come and hit me hard. I nearly had a panic attack whilst shopping with my mum the other day, just because he always came clothes shopping with me and gave me his opinion on the clothes I tried on. Usually I didn’t end up buying anything cos he didn’t think they suited me and he wanted to always shop at the designer shops, which I (nor he) could afford.

    Any other opinions/advice, based on what Ive written here and above too?

    Thank you.

    August 3, 2017 at 8:51 am #161896
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ace:

    Did your counselor help you get insight into your ongoing attachment to this man who you described as belittling, selfish and taking advantage of you financially?

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)
1 2

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.