Dear heartbrokengurl:

You are welcome. “It feels like such a loss”- I am sure it feels like it, that the feeling feels true. Reality is it may be a gain, you just don’t know it yet. One day you may, and then it will feel like a gain because it gives you the opportunity to have a peaceful, loving relationship with another person (when you are ready…)

anita

Hey heartbroken girl

You may not believe it right now but they do. There is no “perfect” relationship, person or situation though. It’s subjective individually but there are some universal principles like self-respect, trust and understanding which are needed.

I will tell you about the 2 best relationships I have seen while growing up. One would be of my parents who had an arranged marriage and that of my best friend whose parents had a love marriage.

The one common things I noticed in both were level of trust and understanding that was there. I can’t say too much about my friends parents cuz I don’t live with him but I can give you an example of mom and dad.

My dad told me a few months back on a Sunday afternoon that he wants to do more so that he can provide my mother with more comforts in life. Even though he is out at 8 am and gets back home at 9:30 pm, looks visibly tired, I have noticed time and again that he will head to the kitchen and do the dishes if there are any. He will arrange things a bit and help us in cooking dinner. Mom has never asked him to do it but he knows that she likes a very organized, clean kitchen.

Then there are days when he is exhausted, cranky and likes to space out in front of the TV. She tells the other family members to leave him alone then and just puts his food without asking and comes back later. I have seen her time and again exercise immense patience over dad’s several dietary restrictions due to health issues which makes it harder for her to prepare meals. The bottom line is, she knows his needs very well and so does he.

Of course they have arguments once in a while. They are very different people but can’t stay away from each other for too long. I sometimes suspect it’s the case of being in love by showing rather than saying it a million times a day.

The best thing I have learned from them is to have patience and make respect, trust a two way process.

Always have the best intentions and believe the other person to do the same for you. This is something I can’t intellectually explain. It’s invisible like the air but it’s there.

I can give you more examples too of married friends but the above is the one I know best. The basics are same in all with variations here and there.

Now you will ask me, what about cases like you and me – the relatively younger, unmarried ones?

I would say have a healthy relationship with yourself first. Look for a solid, good human being whom you can imagine spending the rest of your life with despite their flaws.

The person whom you recently ended things with was someone you had a connection with. Surely there is a reason why things ended and you need to honor that instead of beating yourself up. I do feel it’s important to no contact them for a few months and move forward with your life, pick up the pieces and discover yourself again.

If both of you are really meant to be, you will be back again after the waiting period with more maturity and appreciation. If not, then you can still always stay good friends and real the benefits of inner growth.

Be with someone because you want to, not because you are terrified of being alone.

Regards
Nina

PS – sorry about the rather long, rambling post. I hope it made some sense.