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Distancing

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • March 9, 2014 at 4:01 pm #52533
    BRUNO
    Participant

    I met a girl a few months back and was almost instantly able to communicate well with her.I had spent a lot of time alone not wanting a relationship so I quickly became fond of her and genuinely attracted to her.

    At first it seemed mutual and i was happy but i then noticed a certain apprehensiveness and her words seemed to deter rather than encourage.That was no problem save for feeling that she was beginning to push me away as if i was a stalker or harassing her which was hurtful.I kept a distance but upon realizing this she then became friendly again.the cycle however repeated itself until she was clearly feeling that i was hostile towards her on account of me backing off each time.

    In order to resolve the conundrum i stated openly and honestly my feelings of affection and that despite them, that i was not willing to continue with anything which might lead to a full relationship since, by now, i too was very apprehensive.We agreed to have a distance but it seemed that people who knew us and in fact had introduced us were wanting to intervene to either protect her from me which seemed to be what she was telling them, or to threaten me with harm should i harm her which of course was ludicrous to me at least.

    I now clearly have resolved not to have anything further to do here but since we might coincide I have sent her a message or two so as to remain on friendly terms.Since she is elusive and possibly delusional I never can tell if her intentions are to simply be wary of me and go slowly or if to end the relationship completely as she had stated upon me declaring intentions so to speak, that she was attracted to me.Now I see her out with someone else.having backed off completely with no hard feelings i am held out to be possibly a person with intent to harass or linger in a future less relationship.remaining on friendly terms is no problem but how to i deal with the associated and from my point of view undeserved labelling when I might be faced with this matter on a daily or weekly basis as at this stage distancing myself completely is also taken to be a hostile gesture.

    i am very Perturbed please suggestions anyone.

    March 9, 2014 at 10:15 pm #52563
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    You say that distancing yourself completely would be taken as a hostile gesture, but is that an assumption or actual knowledge? If it is assumption, then you’re spending too much energy thinking about how other people might react to your actions, and that means that your actions are no longer genuine, but attempts to manipulate the surroundings. If it is knowledge, then the other person truly would be unfair, as it makes absolutely no sense to first claim that someone is potentially harassing them and then complain that to break ties would be a hostile act.

    Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to control an uncontrollable situation in a way that’s only making things worse. The truth will always come out in the end, what ever it is, and then we accept it and we move on. Dancing around the situation will just prolong that resolution.

    March 9, 2014 at 10:57 pm #52569
    BRUNO
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply-I would possibly want to distance myself just to ease the awkwardness a bit which might be avoiding the issue or running away from the situation entirely but at the same time I feel I have to walk on eggs around this person which is something not akin to my personality so its out of respect really.The last thing I want is to be in a place where I am not wanted.

    having tried to end it before and reached a stage where we both agree on distance it seems desperate to try and initiate any contact which may be taken the wrong way, again over-thinking the situation but it is a dilemma.i suppose with what you say I would really just have to find a way to gain some proximity in a way which does not imply any kind of relationship and then just observe closely to try a get to a truth of some sorts so that by eliminating all the unknowns i seem to generate mentally by double guessing.

    March 9, 2014 at 11:25 pm #52570
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I think I need to reiterate my point so that it’s not misconstrued. I think you should just live your life as you are, without any walking on eggshells. If another person has a problem with you, then they will distance themselves from you automatically and if they don’t distance themselves, but choose to bring the problems to you, then it’s reasonable for you to distance yourself from them. You don’t observe closely to get a truth: the truth comes out itself.

    Someone has labelled you as a potential threat. If you know that to be utter nonsense, then why would you even want to be involved with a person who makes these claims? If the claims are the product of a delusional person or someone who wants to hurt you, then what ever you say or do towards them will not change the situation to something better. They will find a way to use those actions against you, so it’s better to cut your losses and focus on something else.

    After you’ve managed to get some distance to the situation (through time and space), you should probably take a long hard look at what exactly happened and why. Toxic relationships don’t just happen to us; we actively involve ourselves in them. We gravitate towards people who match our inner world and then try to change things through them. As an example, if we do not value ourselves, we gravitate towards people who also do not value us and then we try our hardest to make them like us. What we should do instead is to like ourselves and then gravitate towards people who also like us and then celebrate how great that is 🙂 That’s just an example, but the point is that we choose certain relationships for a reason and if those relationships end up being toxic, then it’s good to have a moment of self-reflection.

    March 10, 2014 at 12:46 am #52571
    BRUNO
    Participant

    thank you for replying-I agree with you, in fact my whole environment has been made toxic by these and other claims.It would be so nice to ignore them totally.In a small community though both my work and my leisure are affected and at some point i do have to coincide with some of these individuals because of either work or shared interests. and in a small community all these things become multiplied and often blown out of proportion-

    As i read you, the distance required is that of placing the right barriers in place to protect my self from the ill effects while continuing to develop my own life in an aseptic way , separately and without valuing the incorrect considerations made upon it by others.This is ideal. My problem which leads me to a kind of confrontation is acknowledging that counterparts have such little consideration for others and of how ill informed they are of how their actions end up being destructive despite their own claims to be social or even moral authorities.

    Your advice to gravitate makes complete sense, i just have to keep searching to avoid to elements who are actively poisoning the environment for me on assumption on their part as well it has to be said, but more seriously without fully comprehending that in part i am who i am because of similar actions people have taken against me in the past and that further action on their part is more likely to cause further long term damage than be conducive to positive change.

    I will reflect upon this seriously.

    Resolving that is very difficult when things are constantly thrown in your face.

    March 10, 2014 at 7:50 am #52578
    Kelly
    Participant

    ““What other people think about you is none of your business.” It’s their deal. Be you.

    March 11, 2014 at 4:44 am #52630
    ima
    Participant

    We are both over 40s divorced and with children. We met last summer. he introduced me to his all family and i slowly to my children. He lives with his parents and one son. They are all lovely. I love him dearly. Since september we started meeting up once a week and then went almost once a month. His job requires him to be at home and as it envolve phone call, on the phone all the time…late nights everyday. he texts me everyday and still saying i’m the love of his life’s. He wants to buy his place and get married and help his children (ours as he says). It’s been 2 months now that we only met few hours, once when his grandchild was born (our grandchild). I’m finding really difficult to keep up with the distance. When i asked him if he thinks we are drifting apart, he was shocked and said No, not for one second and asked if i though. I said i fear that we are running the risk to it as there has been no contact apart from text messages. He said it wont be forever and his busyness ( what he is doing is almost finished). Once I got angry because he was busy every time i text, even tho replaying, and that i feel I’m disturbing. when i said i was finding very difficult the all thing he got upset and said sorry, that he needed to work like that until the kids don’t need him anymore and that he doesn’t have anyone paying his wages so he wouldn’t have money if he doesn’t work like that. And that is for our future that he is working so much!
    I’ve got 2 boys and no family here. Work full time (a lot). Been feeling sad and lonely as if i don’t have a boyfriend at all. He from being very romantic at the beginning, forgot our anniversary, didn’t mention valentines ( although send me a good morning message as he does everyday)…I go from understanding to wanting to end as i think he doesn’t have time for me. He wants to get married, don’t know when, but i’m unsure of everything as at the moment i don’t even feel like a girlfriend. WE some intimacy last summer and only slept together 3 times in 8 months…I don’t know what to do. His parents need hospital appointment time to time and he drives them. He is busy all the times. I don’t know how we can get together, but he seems to be planing all. I miss him a lot. When he texts me he says things like “he loves me more than everything or to infinity and beyond. I do too but the distance is starting taking the tool.What do I do?

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