Dear Patty:

You wrote that you “realized how scared I am of being alone…because I don’t know how to be alone, especially as an adult”-

I am thinking you do know how it feels to be alone, you experienced it, as a child and it was scary. This is why you’ve been scared being alone as an adult. Being alone, for a child, is often a scary experience. This is why a young child, when walking away from her mother so to explore something, walks away, then looks back to make sure her mother is still there (that she is not alone, without her mother), then keeps walking away toward the object to explore.

Do you have memories of being alone-and-scared, as a child?

anita

Hi Patty,

How are you feeling?

I found myself in this position before. Years ago, I was in a relationship and it was very toxic but loving. After we broke up I did not feel comfortable being single. First, it was because I wanted to beat him to the punch and show him that I can be happy without him. Than, it formed into me believing that I moved on and was ready to be in another relationship when I was not. Part of the reason why many of us jump into relationships as quickly as we do is because we have a void that we are experiencing and look to others to fill. Through reflecting and trial and error is where we find what those voids are. Through seeing and understanding those voids for what they are we can limit feeding them by turning to others. We can also limit attracting those we attract with those voids we have. For example, my void is confirmation and vulnerability. I look to date men who will define who or what I think I am – when they treat me well I think lovely things about myself and when they treat me with disrespectful I do not think kindly of myself. I also force them to be vulnerable with me because I struggle with intimacy and through these two voids I often welcome emotionally unavailable, and sometimes abusive men to me.

I hope this can give you something to think about.