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Difficulty letting go

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  • January 23, 2014 at 1:29 pm #49630
    Kelly
    Participant

    I think I found a new love when I discovered Tiny Buddha, though unfortunately that love is being eclipsed by my tremendous feelings of loss and unresolved feelings for my now ex-boyfriend. I feel like I need help coping with this. I have the support of a dear friend and my father, but I am beginning to fear I sound like a broken record to them and am hoping to get some support and guidance from this wonderful community of people here.

    I spent three years with my boyfriend. I truly felt he was the love of my life. It was serendipity that we met at a concert one Friday night hundreds of miles from home, only to find out we worked a block away from each other. There were other signs we were “meant to be”, apart from the incredible, instant connection we felt for one another. We fell in love fast, although my BF had a lot of personal issues to work through. He was separated from his wife. I had some trepidation about getting involved with a man who was not divorced yet, but the attraction and connection we felt for one another was beyond compare. I put aside my reservations and decided to just let love happen. I stood by his side and helped him through an acrimonious two year long divorce, a failed attempt to adopt his step-daughter he had raised since she was an infant (she’s now 15), two job losses, a bout of depression, financial issues and more. All the while it was worth it to me because he loved me like no other man ever had. I truly felt he was “the one”.

    Somewhere in year two of the relationship, things started to deteriorate between us. We were arguing constantly. I think the stress of everything had taken its toll. But I also felt that as we conquered some of his personal challenges together and there were fewer external things to focus our energies on as a team, we put more attention on our relationship and started to find some cracks. During this time I attributed it to the honeymoon period wearing off and reality setting in (though our honeymoon period had huge doses of “reality” as well). I am 34 years old and have never been married, though I’ve had significant relationships. The three long term relationships I had prior to this one fell apart around the two year mark, and I was determined not to let that happen to my beau and me. He was, as I said earlier, the love of my life.

    The fighting started to reach a level that was consuming too much of my energy. We are both passionate, emotional people and it started to seem like we weren’t seeing eye to eye on anything. So I started putting distance between us. I expressed to him that I wasn’t sure anymore if we were compatible. The pain of fighting so much with my love took a great toll on me. We went from basically living together (we’d spend one week at my house, one week at his to coincide with his placement schedule with his son) to me spending more time at my own house with him at his, and getting together in more measured doses.

    The holidays were a pretty emotional time for me. My family lives thousands of miles away and I did not want to spend the holidays with my BF’s extended family because I didn’t feel right about it given the fact our relationship was in a state of turmoil. We spent Christmas together just the three of us (my BF, his son and me) exchanging gifts and celebrating as the little family we had become over the last three years. His son referred to himself as my “stepson”, which is something he’d never done before. The weekend after Christmas, my BF was back at his house and I at mine, and his son was with his mom. My BF went out to see a band at a bar. I am ashamed to admit it but in a moment of desperation the next day, I logged into his Facebook account and saw that he had been searching for a particular female’s name. I immediately confronted him on it and it turns out she was someone he met when he was out at the bar. He insisted he was only interested in her for “business” reasons, but it didn’t smell right to me. He is an IT manager at a company and after I did my own research on this girl, I found out she works at a flower shop. There was no legitimate business reason for him to be looking her up on Facebook at 3 in the morning. But he stuck to his story. Over the next week I became obsessed, logging into his Facebook to monitor his activity. He continued to try to find her, three days later. Finally, he somehow was successful in doing it and after that he proceeded to visit her Facebook page multiple times daily. But he never requested her to be a friend, he just kept visiting her page.

    Part of what makes me sick about it is that my BF is 44 years old and this girl is 22, barely older than his teenage son. I do not understand his fascination with her, though I suspect it’s something of a fantasy. I don’t know. The part I cannot get past is that in the many times I’ve confronted him on it over the past month, he insists over and over that he was only interested in making a business connection and that he has no other interest in her. I stopped my unhealthy spying after about a week of seeing his daily visits to her page. I have not seen him since the day after Christmas, but he has made several romantic overtures – leaving a framed copy of my favorite poem on my porch, posting himself singing a song from my favorite musical onto my Facebook, texting and emailing all these memories of us, how much he misses me, etc. But then right after he posted the video to my Facebook, he went right back to her page! That’s when I stopped my spying. Besides being wrong and disrespectful to him, it was torturing me.

    I’ve been desperate for him to just be HONEST with me. I told him that I would understand if meeting her excited him, or if he was feeling lonely and vulnerable the night they met because I was putting distance between us. I wanted to have an open dialogue about all of it, but over and over he kept saying he was being honest, it was just a business thing and his story wasn’t going to change. I told him I thought two people could work through anything together if they loved each other, but not without total honesty. And he won’t relent. In fact he turned it on me and blamed my “trust issues” and said that I will never have a successful relationship until I learn to believe what people tell me.

    At this point I feel my only choice is to move on, but I am having such difficulty doing it. The truth is we had issues prior to him meeting this girl, but I’ve become fixated on that fact and the fact he’s lying to me about it. I feel it cheapens everything we had and makes me feel like I don’t know who he is. In fact, he’s said repeatedly that he’s sad I don’t know who he “really is” after three years and how he would never do anything disloyal to me. I did find that the girl stopped working at the flower shop, yet he continues to visit her page. She is unemployed, so there is absolutely no business reason for him to have an interest. Lurking and looking at her page would not advance his career in any case.

    I just feel so empty and alone. I put everything into him and his son. A therapist I talked to advised me to tell him to stop contacting me, but I’ve had a few weak moments where I send him a text telling him I miss him, and then that seemingly encourages him to “try” more and he sends more texts and emails. I feel like I can’t move forward, but I can’t go back either.

    HELP

    January 23, 2014 at 7:14 pm #49642
    Howard Williams
    Participant

    Kelly they’re only three places a relationship can be. In, out, or on hold. What you have described does not indicate that you are in a relationship. You may be having a relationship. But at least one of you is not in it. I sense that you’re standing with 1 foot on the dock and 1 foot on the boat. Not very tenable position for very long. It seems like you have tried a good number of things to bring some harmony to the relationship, unfortunately without success. No matter what the attraction, often relationships don’t work because the couple has differences that are too far apart to bridge. And not just that they are hard to bridge, but often there is neither the interest nor the understanding about how to do that. Removing the emotion from the past occurrences, are you needs being met? Do you feel loved, honored, respected? If not my dear what are you doing there? What are you hanging on to? You mentioned that you have invested everything in this man and his son. Is it paying a dividend? It would seem that as long as you continue to try and make an unworkable relationship work the chances of finding any healing unmanageable. What draws us together may not be enough to keep us together. Just being in love is often not enough without the skills and inside to make a relationship between a man and a woman work. I hope you find a way to make a peaceful decision for yourself.

    With encouragement, Howard

    January 24, 2014 at 5:10 am #49662
    CAN
    Participant

    Definitely time to move on. You need to be able to value yourself again. Keep busy doing other things and forget about him. You are worth more than what this man is giving you.

    January 24, 2014 at 5:41 am #49663
    ElisabethIII
    Participant

    Realise and accept that it is not your job to “fix” him, realise also that you can’t. Your number one responsibility to to fix yourself. What are the lessons that have presented themselves here and what can you learn from them? The greatest sadness in life is when we are presented with growth opportunities and we fail to learn the lessons. I can speak about this because I am going through a similar process, not with infidelity and not with my partner but with a family member who makes choices that I totally do not understand, such as staying with a self-pitying, violent drunk. What I have learnt is to honour her choices no matter how illogical I believe they are and that I have NO say in her choices. It is her life and her journey and that is also the case with your (ex)boyfriend. You came together with all the baggage that people have. In that baggage there are issues to deal with. See if you can sort out what your issues are. This is really about you and not him. Do you love him or do you love the man you thought he was, you hoped he was?

    These situations can be so very painful and they can undermine your feeling of being in control and self-worth. I love what Howard wrote about, “do you feel loved, honoured, respected”, I think you feel none of these. ANYONE who makes you feel less about yourself is NOT the one for you. His issues are his, he has to fix him. I wish you strength to meet your issues and to get past this. You will if you let go of the fairy-tale “love of my life” thought. You are obviously not the love of his life. DON’T EVER SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST – EVER. You are worth so much more.

    January 24, 2014 at 8:47 am #49678
    Kelly
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your encouragement Howard. Your words really resonated with me. In fact, mere minutes prior I had received an email from my ex, telling me that our love is real and we can work through things together, etc etc (he wants to go to counseling together). I was reduced to tears, wondering if I should go back and then *bing* in came your message and my tears stopped. That likely sounds melodramatic but I wanted to let you know how much you’ve helped me by putting some consideration and care into my situation.

    You’re right that I’ve had one foot on the dock and one on the boat, admittedly for quite awhile. In fact, I had been contemplating leaving him for the last several months. It’s a bit embarassing to read back in my journal all the way back to 6+ months ago, where I plotting the “right time” to leave (maybe after my parents visit, maybe after this trip because we already have airline tickets, after his birthday, and so on). I think more than anything right now I’m feeling a sense of loss, and it’s clouded by what I consider to be a betrayal. It’s very confusing to have a man seemingly wanting me back, urging me to work on things with him, telling me how I’m the most gorgeous, loving, warm, smart woman in the world and then having the knowledge that he has developed such an interest in another woman. He says he viewed her page as a “distraction” just like he looks at other people’s pages, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. And I guess in a sense his distraction has distracted me from what I need to keep focus on: myself and my needs.

    Did the relationship pay dividends? Not nearly enough. I will say that I never felt so adored, cherished and loved by anyone before, which likely seems dubious in light of recent events. Before the relationship started falling apart, he made me the center of his world along with his son. He cheered me on at my events, left me cards, flowers, really romanced and nurtured me in the way I crave. Did all our grocery shopping, cooked all our meals, made me feel like I was beautiful. I think that is what I am hanging onto, that feeling I had with him. The emails and letters he’s written me in the past month offer glimpses of that and it’s tempting me back. But I know all the larger issues won’t just go away. I need to work on my self-esteem and recognize that I am a great person even without him telling me that. I guess I just want to feel wanted, and he gives that to me. Not to mention other practical benefits of having a life partner – all my friends are partnered, our social lives revolved around each other… someone to talk to at the end of a hard day at work, someone to check in with. Someone who would be worried about me if I didn’t come home at night. I have images of being left dead in my house with my pets wandering around my corpse for days before anybody checked in. haha ok, not really…….

    Anyway, thanks again Howard. Your encouragement really helps.

    January 24, 2014 at 9:34 am #49679
    sojourner
    Participant

    Hi Kelly, First, a heart felt hug. Isn’t it amazing (and of some comfort) that we mere mortals experience so much of the same things…you are not alone. I am three months into my break up with the love of my life, and while I can’t tell you it’s getting easier yet, Tiny Buddha is a port in the storm for me, as it seems to be for you. Some of the best advice I’ve received goes something like this 1) Let go or be dragged 2) when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them 3) don’t waste your time pursuing someone who has told you they don’t want to be with you, you deserve better 4) got a wish bone or a back bone? You have given your power to this guy and it has left you with a low self esteem and stooping to things we all know are bad choices (violating someone else’s privacy) in a desperate attempt to figure out what is going on because we either don’t trust the person to tell us the truth when they are or we know in our gut that they aren’t being truthful. Either way, you are better than that. Lessons learned: YOU have helped this guy tremendously during what would seem to be very trying times, pat yourself on the back, you’ve been loving, supportive and honorable. But that was then, this is now. Ships don’t sail on yesterday’s wind. Time for you to now think about what YOU want and need. He cannot give it to you, which doesn’t in anyway diminish what you HAD. You can love someone deeply, but it doesn’t mean they are The One that you can live with forever, and it doesn’t mean love was squandered or not present.
    Give yourself inner self, your heart, a big hug. Write a letter to yourself that assures you that you are perfect the way you are, good enough, and deserving of mutually respectful love. Be your OWN best friend, don’t rely on him, or anyone, to fill that need. Go do something fun and engaging either by yourself or with a trusted girlfriend. Something that will distract you, warm your soul and build you up.

    January 24, 2014 at 2:17 pm #49692
    lolly
    Participant

    Hello Kelly. Much love to your heavy heart. I can identify and relate in so many ways. I’m currently going through a very similar situation. It can be so terribly confusing and difficult to keep the fear at bay. It’s amazing what influence the heart/hormones/romantic attachments can have over the logical mind. If one of my girlfriends were going through what I am right now, I’d be very clear about what I would do if I were her! LOL!! I believe that if I continue to go through the “process” and with the help of prayer & meditation, I’ll become clear about the direction that serves me best. I hope the same for you. (Gotta love these opportunities for growth, eh?? :/ hehe)

    January 27, 2014 at 8:10 am #49799
    Kelly
    Participant

    Thanks for the support, CAN.

    January 27, 2014 at 8:23 am #49800
    Kelly
    Participant

    Thank you, Elisabeth, for your wise words and sharing the process you are going through. I recognize I have some codependency issues. Even now that we’re split up, my mind keeps going to him and feeling bad about the activities I have planned for myself and my (our) friends. I think about how he would like to do the things I’m doing with me. I picture him sitting all alone and it breaks my heart. Then I get a flare of anger because I think of the night I was sitting all alone and he was out, introducing himself to another woman and developing an interest (the character of which I will never truly know). But even those feelings of anger are tempered by my belief that he is a good, loving person who is just lost right now and he’s grasping for anything that can take away the pain. It makes me sympathetic to him. Despite that, I can’t move forward with him as long as he continues lying about it, and I know at this point there is no hope for him to fess up. I’ve even considered moving on with him, knowing in my heart what the “truth” is, even if he’s not emotionally mature enough to admit it to me and to himself. But that’s all kinds of wrong and really selling myself short. I deserve better.

    This past Saturday he texted me asking me to go to breakfast with him. He says he thinks spending some time together would help. I feel like I couldn’t even look at him anymore. He says he wants to hold me and look into my eyes. I feel like I’d be looking into a stranger’s eyes, desperately searching for the ghost of the man he was. Or, like you suggest, the man I thought or hoped he was. I declined the breakfast and he responded by sending an email urging me to go to counseling with him. He has an (what I believe is unorthodox) idea that we should attend counseling together, even if we are breaking up. He thinks it is the only way for us to truly learn how to better operate in relationships and that it would help our future relationships whether or not they are with each other. This is mind-boggling to me. I don’t want therapy as a post-mortem on our relationship, I want it to be the birth of a new me. I told him I would only consider it if it were in order to heal our relationship together. I don’t know why I am still hanging on. This disagreement about therapy is just one more instance to add to the long list of things we don’t agree on.

    January 27, 2014 at 12:30 pm #49811
    Jan
    Participant

    Thank you Kelly for sharing your story. The title captured my attention as I am going through the same thing, although the circumstances are different the feelings seem to be the same.

    I began an extramarital affair almost three years ago. My husband and I have been living like friends and roommates for almost 10 years now, and when I turned 50 I guess I had a mid life crisis of sorts. I wanted someone to desire me, and to be honest, I wanted to have sex again. It had been so long since I had been intimate with a man I wanted to experience it again. I also wanted a boyfriend to do things with and go places with. My husband works nights and I work days so we never see each other. And frankly, I’m not attracted to him in a romantic way; I haven’t been for quite some time. A divorce would be financially devastating at this point as he doesn’t make enough money to live on his own.

    I met a man online who claimed to want the same things I did – an emotional and a physical affair. Well of course in the beginning everything was great. But as in almost all affairs, we had many issues. But I cared about him so much that I kept trying to keep things together.

    After we were together about 18 months, I found out he was sleeping with another woman; so he was not just cheating on his wife ONE woman, he was cheating with TWO. An additional twist to the story is that he had prostate cancer years ago and he cannot have sex in the normal way. He needs to use a needle and inject medication into his you-know-what. I guess in a way I was flattered by that because I thought “here is this man who would go to all this trouble just to have sex with me.” And may I also add that it was extremely difficult for him to finish. So I found that even more endearing, going to all that trouble with no guarantee of a happy ending.

    When I found out about the other woman, I think I had a nervous breakdown. I really do. I ended up sending her a message on Facebook. Of course they both tried at first to say they were just friends, etc., but eventually he admitted it to me. I lost it. I would sit at my desk at work and just cry for hours. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, etc. When he admitted to her that he had been with me, she freaked out. (I personally think he used to tell her “I love you” and she was completely blindsided.) Eventually, he and I ended up back together, the first of many times….

    The other woman ended up sending his wife a letter, exposing his affair with me (but not her, of course). This was all in January 2013. And in this past year, he ended up leaving his wife and moving into his own condo. Which I helped him find, and sat there all alone on a Friday afternoon in the summer waiting for the cable and phone installation, furniture delivery, etc. You see, we ended up back together. Not before he jerked me around at least five times by saying he was leaving his wife, then staying, then leaving, then staying. He texted me while I was in Disneyland telling me he was staying with her (after we had been bed shopping the day before I left). What other 50 plus year old woman would be sobbing on “Pirates of the Carribbean”?

    Oh it gets better…in September 2012 he was arrested for DUI. His lawyer told him the best he could expect was to lost his license for three months. Since we were together (and I didn’t know about the other woman) I told him I would drive him. In July of 2013 he received his three month suspension, so I started driving him back and forth to work (we lived and work close to each other). And once he left his wife and moved into this condo I still drove him to work as it was on my way. I took him grocery shopping, drove everywhere we went together. But it was ok, because finally now we could date and be a “real couple”. With my husband working midnights, I could spend almost the entire weekend with him and even see him one or tow nights during the week.

    A few months ago it all fell apart, this time for good I believe. I left for vacation mid September and while I was away I didn’t hear that much from him. I was gone a week, and the day I was returning home I texted him and asked could I call him. He was very indifferent to me, and he finally admitted he wanted to break up. I kept asking why, why, why but he was being evasive. Couldn’t really give me a reason why. Until I was seated on the plane, for a five hour flight home. Just as we were told to turn off our phones. he TEXTED me that I was too fat to have sex with him anymore. Interesting that this all transpired THREE days after he got his license back.

    Many people will say I got exactly what I deserved. Heck, I have even said it to myself, that this is my punishment for being a liar and a cheater. (So if someone was going to yell at me and tell me what a horrible person I am you’re too late. I have been beating myself up for years.)

    Since September we have gone back and forth trying to stay friends, and yes, we have even slept together twice. Since that time I found out there was a THIRD woman that he would have sex with while he was married and with me and with the second one, and he has started seeing her again. I told him I would give him all the sex and fun he wanted with no strings other than he had to stop seeing other women (he has an online dating profile too since he is now separated). He refused. He will not give up the “third” woman, nor will he stop dating.

    I wish someone could explain to me why I am so sad, especially after reading all of this…I still cry and miss him, even though it is obvious he would never be what I want. He can’t be faithful to anyone, not just me. I guess I miss what I thought he was, and I miss being close to someone. I miss the intimacy (not just the sex) and doing things together.

    As Kelly mentioned, the few friends I have that know what I am going through are sick of hearing about this. They can’t understand why I am even upset over him. Frankly,I can’t either. I am really going to make the effort not to contact him, as I am always the one who calls or texts him first. I know that is the only way to forget about him. It’s just so difficult. I used to to tell him everything. And now I feel alone and abandoned.

    Thank you for letting me put my story down in black and white. I can only hope that there really is karma and that someday he will reap what he sowed.

    🙂

    January 29, 2014 at 9:07 pm #49980
    sojourner
    Participant

    Dear Jan Smith, Please write yourself a love letter. Please stop beating yourself up. Change the dialogue in your head and treat yourself kindly. We all do the best we can and are merely human. I am not of the You Deserved What You Got school and don’t imagine anyone here is. The heart wants what the heart wants, and everyone has a battle.
    Believe in yourself. Being lonely is hard for those of us who want a partner, I completely relate to what you say about “crying, missing him even though it is obvious he would never be what I want. I guess I miss what he was, and I miss being close to someone. I miss the intimacy and doing things together.” I’m here to VALIDATE your feelings as a woman who feels exactly the same about a man. Cry long and cry hard, that is part of healing. But please, be kind to yourself. You have loved and lost and learned.

    You are not alone. You are not abandoned. Everything you need is inside you, just believe in yourself and what YOU need.

    If we lived near each other, we’d head to a movie, distract and talk and get through this as a team. I just read that the possibility that things could get better (instead of would get better…subtle difference for a person in pain) will get me through tonight.

    Hang in there.

    February 4, 2014 at 12:35 am #50260
    Annie P
    Participant

    Dear Kelly,

    My advice to you is this: read your initial post as if it was written by someone else with the same problem – what advice would you give? The answer is already inside you. You deserve love and happiness and only you can give that to yourself with the choices you make. I do understand and respect your pain. You deserve a beautiful life – one small choice at a time will guide you.

    Be STRONG and true to yourself – my thoughts and prayers are with you that you will have clarity, courage and peace.

    Take care,
    Annie

    February 5, 2014 at 10:03 am #50340
    Lila
    Participant

    ElisabethIII , I like your approach very much . It’ very similar with what I’d advise a friend . But living in the situation does not allow me to see clearly. So I want to ask ..
    What’s the deal when your partner’s answer ,to your complain of feeling neglected and underestimated by his choices and behaviour, is that it’s in your mind? (e.g baby you feel like that because you have too much free time and no jobs to do( + baby I give you all my free time (crumbles)+sorry at that part of my life , my career comes first of all) ? Why should I feel guilty for needing more love and attention ? 🙁

    February 5, 2014 at 11:13 am #50350
    Lila
    Participant

    Maybe you want him back but you know the cost is too high and unfair .I think you feel like you need to receive a certain feeling from him in order to feel that everything is back in place and ok, but he can’t bring out this feeling to you. I know it’s complicated and painful and difficult and know no easy way out of it. But a friend of mine once advised me to take better care of my self and everything will get better.I try to do the same these days. Take care of our self and your needs. start with small targets that will get you to the bigger. though away the unpleasant thoughts and do things for you.Try to find happiness to other things. I found out that the only thing that weakens me is the fear of not finding a better guy than him. When I escape that fear I am hopeful and see more clear. Maybe tomorrow you meet a new love ,bigger than that. 🙂
    Everyone deserves to be loved .
    Good luck with all my heart !! <3

    February 5, 2014 at 11:51 am #50354
    Kelly
    Participant

    Thank you, Lila, I very much appreciate your kind words. It sounds like you can relate to what I’m going through. When I spoke to a therapist about my fears and pain, I said to her “what if this was my love story and it’s over now?” Because there were so many things that happened between us, conicidences that made us seem meant for one another, that I feared this was IT. She said to me “what if that was only the preview before the real movie starts?” That new love you speak of might be the “real movie”. I wish the same for you as well. But in the meantime (and always), you’re absolutely right that we have to love ourselves first and foremost and trust that everything is happening perfectly. My best to you <3

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