Kyle,

You seem like a very well put together young man, and what you’re going through is very common. Consider that you love your dad and fear your love for you dad. In the past, you said that you closed down somewhat while you lived with him, and that’s normal too.

Consider regarding the overwhelming feeling as just another feeling. Said differently, courage only arises when fear is present, and it is what moves us to do the thing we’re scared of doing. What if he has now turned that resentment and distance toward you? What if in his mind, you are now just like your mom and brother, an object of scorn? Its possible, even probable! However, remember what happened to your resentment and scorn of your mother when she was compassionate to you. It melted! If he has scorn, it is almost certainly melt-able just like yours.

If he has scorn and resentment, its just his pain. Parent’s love for their kids goes deep, and I have no doubt that under whatever distance has come up, whatever uncomfortableness is in him that keeps him away, there is a longing in him to hear he is loved from your mouth. Just as you had for your mom!

Perhaps you could jump and see what happens! Even if it goes poorly and is painful, it will be less painful than the imaginings and unknown you’ve got now.

With warmth,
Matt