Hi Jeff,

I’m new to this website so  this is a first for me responding.  Hope I can be helpful.

I understand your frustration.  It’s difficult when you want more connection than your partner does.  When you’re willing to put more time, energy, and effort into your relationship than your partner does.  What do you do?  Even though I’m still currently married (although I don’t know for how much longer), I have experienced the same feelings of discontent, loneliness, lack of attention and validation from my partner.  I use to question how committed he was to our relationship given that he wasn’t giving the same amount of energy to “Us.”

After several years of “working” on our relationship, I finally  decided to start working on myself instead.  Instead of giving so much energy to my partner, I began giving to myself and exploring the things that contribute to my own happiness.  I have a good job which I enjoy.  So I began cultivating new friendships there.  My new friends have been able to provide a great deal of emotional support to help me figure out what I want from a partner.  I’m able to talk to them and get support from them in ways that I was unable to get from my spouse.

In addition to new friends, I began spending time and energy cultivating new hobbies that bring me joy and happiness.  I have always loved to dance.  So I learned a new one.  I started taking lessons and going out dancing with other people who share my passion.  I have met so many wonderful people and had so much fun that I wondered why I didn’t do this sooner.  I guess I wasnt ready before.  I have made so many great connections that it fills me up in ways that my partner never could.

I also have begun meditating and listening to positive podcasts, and You Tube videos/audios.  I’m trying to learn how to focus on the things I want in my life, rather than the things I don’t.  I’ve always been a more optimistic person, but these have helped me gain more clarity about how I want my life to be.  I am now dreaming and imagining a life that I want, rather than focusing on the life that I have, a result of all my previous thoughts and beliefs.  I am learning to spend more time and energy on the thoughts and things that bring me joy, and trying to leave all the rest behind.

I have kids too.  I don’t know how your relationship is with them.  I’m sure it must be challenging to see them every other weekend.  Do you communicate with them regularly?  You didn’t say how old they are.  But I know that time passes quickly and they won’t be in the house for long.  I can’t believe mine are teenagers and almost out of the house.  So I would recommend that you try to cultivate as best a relationship with them as you can given the distance between you.  What lessons do you want to teach your kids?  What kind of role model do you want to be for them?  What do you want them to learn about love and life?  How do you encourage them to become the best version of themselves?

ARE YOU THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF?  You can’t teach anyone else how to do that until you figure out how to do that for yourself.  And you’re never finished with yourself.  We’re all “works in progress.”  That’s the challenge and beauty of life.  You’re always given more opportunities to learn and grow and evolve.  To dream and imagine and do.  I hope that you will do this, if you haven’t been doing this recently.

I shared all of this with you, not to “figure out” your relationship, but to help you figure out  yourself.  A good relationship should feel healthy and expansive and joyful, rather than making you feel badly about yourself or doubtful and insecure.  And acutually, noone can “make you ” feel anything.  That’s why it’s so important to make yourself happy first.  You can only do that for yourself.  But if your girlfriend isn’t willing to put any of your needs ahead of her own, I don’t think that that’s the kind of girlfriend you want or deserve.  We all deserve to be loved and cared for in ways that make us feel special and important in someone else’s life.  And if your partner isn’t doing that for you and isn’t willing to make any changes, then maybe it’s time to look for someone else who will.

But while you’re looking for someone else, YOU have to do this for yourself FIRST.  Love yourself, care for yourself, find and do things that bring you happiness and joy.  FILL YOURSELF UP.  Because unless you’re full of your own love, you don’t have much to give to someone else.

Only you can answer if you should stay or go.  I always say try to resolve things if the relationship is worth it.  However, noone can create or maintain a relationship on their own.  It takes two.  So if your partner isn’t willing to do any work or put in much effort, that’s a big clue.  Good relationships take 100% effort from both partners.

I hope that this has given you some things to think about.  And I hope that I’ve encouraged you in some way.  We all deserve to have someone special in our lives.  But the most important person to ever do that for ourselves is MYSELF.  I hope that you fill yourself up and create much happiness and joy in your own life, with or without a girlfriend.

Take Care and Many Blessings to You!

Dawn

Jeff,

When I cry, it means something is speaking to my soul.  I hope that’s true in this case for you.  And that my words are somehow helping you discover more about what you want and need in your life.  I’m happy that you communicate regularly with your kids.  That’s the most important job you’ll ever have – to be a parent and good role model for your kids.

It sounds like you have already started working on yourself.  Give yourself credit for joining a gym, trying to remain healthy, cooking well for yourself.  Those are things that many people don’t do.  Don’t minimize any effort you make for yourself.

As for coming up with 5 good things about yourself…  I don’t know you at all, but I think you’re brave for even posting your challenge.  If you’re somewhat shy, it’s probably difficult to put yourself “out there” and be open with others.  So I commend you for feeling safe enough to do that here.  It sounds like you make an effort with your kids.  Some/many absentee parents are completely absent from their children’s lives.  It sounds like you are a stable presence, even if it’s not as often as you like.  And you’re seeking therapeutic help, talking to someone regularly that can help  you see your situation more clearly and help you ask the right questions while trying to find your own answers.  There are many people who refuse to face themselves honestly.  I commend you for that too.

As for your friend at work, you can try to maintain some contact/connection throughout the medical issue.  Maybe he would appreciate your support.  You can always look for other opportunities for connection: at the gym, in a running club, cooking class, anything else you’re interested in.  You can explore first and decide later.  You can always change your mind if you decide something is not quite right for you.

As for your girlfriend, if part-time isn’t good enough for you, then you have the opportunity to speak up for yourself, state your needs/wishes/desires, and then see if there’s any way to come to some sort of compromise.  Relationships are give and take by both people.  If one person always gives and the other person always takes, the relationship is unbalanced.  There should be equal amounts of both based on the needs/demands of family, work, responsibilities, etc.  It’s not equal on a daily basis, but should be equal overall over time.  If your girlfriend is not willing to give to you in ways that she could, but chooses not to, what does that say about her commitment to/love for you?  It doesn’t sound like you’re demanding any thing out of the ordinary.  You should be able to have the whole cake, not just the crumbs or leftovers.  Only you can decide if what she’s currently giving (or negotiating to give) is truly enough for you.  I don’t think that one person should be expected to fulfill all of your needs, but s/he should be able to fulfill some or many of them.  Especially if those needs are simple, basic, and ways that will show her love/care/concern for you (like a daily text, call, etc.). We all have responsibilities and stresses in our lives.  Your girlfriend should be your Safe Haven, the one person that “has your back” and helps you feel like everything will be o.k.  If she’s not that for you, then that says something else.

The Permanent Part of your life is YOU.  You have to decide what you want and what’s important to you.  And then figure out the best way to bring those things/people into your life.  You will always have your kids.  Your girlfriend may or may not stay in your life (Yes, You have a choice in this too).  But you should never have to settle for less than what you desire.  I believe that we can have everything we desire.  It may not come in the fashion or form we imagine.  But if the desire is great and the intention is pure, somehow, someway, sometime it will arrive.  Don’t close yourself off.  Just try to be open to the many possibilities that you never even imagined.  You, hopefully, will be surprised and delighted in the ways that life can bring you joy.

Thanks for responding to my first post.  I really appreciate knowing that I’ve helped in some way 🙂

Again, Take Care and Many Blessings to You!!

Dawn

Jeff,

What she says is a start.  But she has to back up her words with actions.  Even if the together time is good, the time apart should still be about maintaining and growing your connection with each other.  If she has teenagers, they usually don’t want to spend much time with their parents.  It won’t hurt them for you to go on an actual date and leave them at home.  Maybe start with 1 hour and gradually increase the time so that you could go to dinner, see a movie, etc.  It sounds like you have the potential to spend 8-10 days/month together.  She has to be willing to put in the effort in order for this to work.

I understand your feelings of loneliness.  You can even be in relationship with someone and s/he can be physically present but not emotionally present.  That leads to the same feelings of loneliness.  What are you afraid of?  How can you help yourself feel connected to God/Source/the Universe, whatever you want to call it?  Ultimately, that’s the only thing that really fills us up.  Many people use bad substitutes for that like drinking, drugging, shopping, gambling, etc.  How is your Spiritual life?  I assume that since you’re on this website that Spirituality is relevant in your life.  Maybe you can think about that when you run.  Do you feel connected when you’re in nature?  When else do you feel connected?  Maybe that’s the illusion of loneliness.  Because we feel lonely, then we think we’re disconnected from everything and everyone.  Most spiritual beliefs teach that We are all connected to each other.  We are all One.  How can you realize your own connection so that you feel less alone?  Running.  Meditation.  Reaching out to others.  Being good company for yourself.  You have to figure out what will help you feel less lonely, even when you’re alone.  You can use your alone time to figure out what you really want and to get clear on your desires.

You’re welcome.  And thank you.  I appreciate this connection too.

Take Care!

Dawn

Hi Jeff

If this feels the same way it felt during your first marriage. Something has to change. The only constant thing IN your first marriage and in this relationship now is YOU.

You are definitely the “give it your all” type of person. Who I use to be during my first marriage.

Time to change buddy. Time to love yourself and love being on your own. WE shouldn;t get divorced just to get married again. We get divorced to love ourselves more and then find someone to love the b est version of us. We shouldn’t take our old baggage with us into a new relaionship.

Women have to prove to the world that they can make it on their own after a marriage fails. That’s why its easier for your SO to spend time away from you. Perhaps you should try and show her how to be more affectionate in her time with you?

Perhaps follow her example of balancing her time with a love and time on her own?

See which works for you and if both work do both