My best friend (35/m) and I (35/f) have been thick as thieves for the past three years. We met at work and formed this incredible bond that I’ve never experienced before. Everything was completely platonic, and we were content to just be what we were; best friends. He was my cheerleader in my few dating ventures, and I was his. There was always an issue with the women he was dating and my presence, though. Even if they never met me, they disliked me.

“You two spend too much time together” and “There’s just something about you two” were just some of the complaints he received.

I was seeing someone during this cycle of women, and he would constantly try to reassure them that I wasn’t a threat. That I wasn’t trying to get into his pants. And I swear it’s true…I wasn’t.

Enter his most recent girlfriend (38/f). She started temping at our company and was immediately disliked by the majority of the staff. Her personality was off-putting, her work ethic was poor, she constantly complained. My friend saw something in her though and started chatting her up. They went out on one date and BOOM…they were a couple. It happened so fast, and he even admitted to me that it was maybe too fast. Problems started happening quickly after that. He was having a hard time listening to all the trash talk about her from other co-workers. He was also having difficulty with her, as she kept pressuring him to ‘come out’ as a couple. He confided in me that he didn’t want to, as he was embarrassed to admit to our peers that he was dating someone everyone was calling “The Dummy”.

I listened and offered my advice as I had for numerous girls before her. I stayed neutral, but felt this relationship…this person, was not healthy for him. My friend and I work closely in the same department at times, and she would come in and ‘assert’ her dominance. Placing an arm around him while looking me dead in the eye one day made me angry. I wasn’t after him! I was the least of her worries! Or so I thought.

Things came to a head at work, and she was demoted and basically kept around as just a body. It was then that my friend convinced her to quit. She didn’t want to go because she didn’t want to leave the ability to watch over him while at work. She made comments about how there were all these girls around, and how they all wanted him. Eventually, he won out and she left. Once she left, there was turmoil with her roommate, and her roommate wanted her out. My friend felt guilty, as she had no job because of him and he believed that he caused strife with her roommate. He offered her a place to stay until she got on her feet. Well, once she was in…she dug in. She had no plans of leaving.

I felt ill about this. I saw her manipulate him, I saw him manipulate her. It was toxic. I watched my friend become quick to anger, withdrawn, and just EXHAUSTED. He said she was constantly asking him who he was texting. Monitoring his time in the bathroom. When he would leave the house, even if it was just to go to the library she would be sending him texts about how she can’t get out of bed, and how she just wanted to kill herself. He had to lie about having coffee with me and about me carpooling him home (we live a few blocks away from each other), as she didn’t want him to have any contact with me. It had become exhausting for both of us, and I was beginning to feel cheated out of the wonderful friendship we once had.

He came over to my apartment one night to call a friend. She gave him a hard time about talking to his friends who reside in other states, so I offered my place to him for the privacy. When he was done we sat and watched some Netflix. We kissed that night. We did everything that night. We hated ourselves in the morning. We swore it wouldn’t happen again. It did. He was the primary aggressor but after small protest, I gave in. It felt amazing to have the connection we had and to have this new facet to add. I know…I’m a terrible person. I make no excuses, no matter how much I want to. It was wrong. We were wrong.

He ended up breaking up with her a few weeks later. He forced her out of his apartment. He did not tell her what happened between us.

We fell into being a couple as easily as we had fallen into friendship. It was beautiful and I wanted to spend my life with my best friend. Now I actually could. There were no more walls…it was like a veil had been lifted. “Oh…so this is what was missing.”

A month ago, I saw his phone open on his desk. There were texts to and from the toxic ex. Emotional, flirty texts… She didn’t know we were together, and I didn’t know he had slept with her one month after we got together. You know, a month after he cheated on her with me. Karma…heh.

I demanded he tell her the truth, and he did. She finally knew that he had cheated on her with me. He told her he still loves her, and that he is in love with me also. He also told both of us that he doesn’t deserve to be with either of us right now, and wants to keep both of us as friends if we will have him. She wants him back and wants me out of the picture. He told her that I’m not going anywhere.

He told me that he wishes we had started off differently. That if we had he would be on his knees begging for my forgiveness. I think the guilt is too much for him, and lack of closure on their relationship is also holding him back. I asked if there was a possibility that we could ever try us again. He said he would love that, but right now it would be a disaster. He’s right. It would be.

So now, I’m trying to come to terms with being in love with my best friend while trying to go back and grasp at what we once had. It’s not the same, and I feel like his guilt is making him push me away. I can’t imagine life without him in it. And I told him that I never want to lose him as a friend. Even if a relationship with him isn’t possible anymore, I still want us to be what we always were. I messed up. I know it…I’m being torn apart on the inside. Seeing him every day isn’t helping. Pretending things are normal is killing me. Did we destroy our friendship completely? Did we destroy any opportunity for a relationship in the future? How do I get through this without doing any further damage?

Sorry for babbling, but thank you for taking the time to read.