Maybe this is why the therapist thinks I have depression, because I tell him that I feel like Lada is gone and my “life” over, when I really mean my life story, my purpose and journey..

Maybe you are right, but I’m worried that this is not my main problem now. I will write here when I get back from work.

I had to smile a little when you wrote that you were looking forward to it haha.. while I feel really fucked up. But I get you, thank you for caring for me.

I don’t even know how to put it..

I realized that up until the bad period things had not been okay. Only I was ignoring the important signs. I don’t know when did it happen, but I realized I have been out of touch with reality for a long time. I am most aware of it when I come home, where I hadn’t done much to make it a better home, also when I now shop, as I feel that my relationship with money has not been good, rather abstract (even when I was earning them, they were still just numbers on my card). I am also aware of it at work and when I drive my car, which my brother bought me right after I had acquired my driving licence (he bought quite a lot of stuff for me, he always took me as his little sister, but I generally don’t know why he does it). I don’t want to blame other people for my responsibility, but I think I got used to getting things the easy way (my mum never pressured me to get part-time jobs during early studies and I didn’t have the confidence to do so myself).

When it comes to the part “being stupid and lazy” or whatever that my mind promises me, I also realized that I had been learning things to succeed, get a good grade, get it done, not fail. Maybe not in elementary school, I’m sure I just had to think hard to solve a chemistry equation or math, but I generally didn’t let anything challenge me or change me. This has been the most obvious with English, especially at Uni. I would be too embarassed to fail at something that was the only thing that I was good at, that’s why I relied on what I had alrady known too much. I have no idea if this makes any sense, but maybe you’ll understand when I say that I was tempted to learn guitar, piano and tennis when I was growing up, but didn’t have the confidence. Last summer I tried learning tennis and tried to play it as I saw it with famous tennis players and also to just be good and my coach was impressed with me. Then the next lessons I tried for some reason a different approach, play it as if I really played it for the first time and it wasn’t half as good. That’s when I realized that it doesn’t matter whether one is talented, it is still only about discipline, hard work, learning. You have to learn the basic shots, then go to the more difficult ones, then you can play a match.. Unfortunately I was too blind to see I had been applying the first method at school, I simply forgot what studying and learning is about.

And then in December, my intuition pointing me to these issues all the time left me. I have problems with driving because I hadn’t done my driving school properly (I went through all the 100 questions many times, I attended all lessons, but it was the kind of learning to succeed as I said). I have general problems with thinking because my take on things and my life experience disappeared as well (so now I can still say that I finished high school successfully, but it is just an abstract fact. Even when I took the exam back then, I wondered why I wasn’t happy about it. It’s because I didn’t give myself a slight chance to fail.)

So right now I don’t feel deserving of much and my mind, or maybe my consience, wants me to not drive my car, have only little clothes and not pretty ones, not spend money, not earn money (I don’t get it?).. I don’t know exactly, but even writing on this computer is not right according to it. I also cancelled my therapy session, it was out of question to go there. I’m confused and honestly say to myself all the time what’s the point of being here when there doesn’t seem to be anything good waiting for me..

I believe this must be really confusing. :-))

My main problem is that I’m stuck right know, I have been stuck for a few months. I haven’t even got my period in a longer time, I don’t feel alive at all.. no change whatsover, because I’m resistant to what I hear I should be doing..