Home→Forums→Spirituality→Did my mind win?
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Anonymous.
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May 7, 2016 at 11:25 am #103880
AnonymousInactiveIt’s weird talking like this about my life..
May 7, 2016 at 12:48 pm #103882AnonymousGuestDear Lada:
You are not wasting my time.
What is weird about talking like this about your life?
You know your problem is not depression and I agree. What is your problem, do you think?
anita
May 8, 2016 at 12:27 am #103895AnonymousInactiveThe problem is that I feel that one chapter of my life is over and I have no idea what to do with this one, I feel like I’m just wasting time. Today I woke up, looked at my legs, first said that I didn’t like how I put on weight and that I should lose some and then I heard “no you want to be fat”, why? “you want to be fat, ugly, stupid, you want to prove dad that he was right to leave you and you weren’t worthy of him staying here”, “you want to feel shame and acknowledge that all negative things you and they said about you are right”. I know it sounds like BS but it’s as if everything turned the other way round.
May 8, 2016 at 12:31 am #103896AnonymousInactiveI mean, who would willingly listen to this voice and purposely put on weight, wouldn’t take care of himself, would try to persuade others that he’s not smart.. my mind is so twisted right now..
May 8, 2016 at 12:42 am #103898AnonymousInactiveMaybe I should ask my therapist to go through the divorce.. I can’t believe how much it may have affected me..
May 8, 2016 at 2:02 am #103899AnonymousInactiveI just texted my boss that I’m going to work next week and things began to slip out of my hands, I feel tightness in my chest.. I’m so sick of all of this..
May 8, 2016 at 7:02 am #103909AnonymousGuestDear Lada:
The voice you heard saying: “no you want to be fat”
“you want to be fat, ugly, stupid, you want to prove dad that he was right to leave you and you weren’t worthy of him staying here”
“you want to feel shame and acknowledge that all negative things you and they said about you are right”.This voice, is it a silent voice or a loud voice? A man’s voice or a woman’s voice? An angry voice? Please, describe the voice.
Who is producing this voice: does it come to your ears/ mind from the outside of you or from inside of you?
anita
May 8, 2016 at 8:20 am #103919AnonymousInactiveI think it comes from inside of me.
Another thing came to my mind today.. When I was younger, I desperately wanted to say to someone “I love you”. Just the words appeared repeatedly. I thought back then that I wanted to say it literally to somebody else. In the previous year (before the bad period), the words changed into “marry me”. And then I read an article on TinyBuddha in which somebody had the same and these words were supposed to represent the relationship you have with yourself. And now as I have the nudge to quit my job for some reason, I ask myself “and what would be then?” The rational voice says “you’ll be unemployed, what else”, but another voice says “single”. I was looking at photos of mine an hour ago and I felt nothing when I looked at myself as very litle, let’s say under the age of 3. I didn’t recognzize myself, as if it wasn’t me.
I tried hypnosis and meditation to meet my higher self on Youtube today, but it left me nothing but desperate. Again the words unemployed, stupid, .. I’m going to work tomorrow, but it scares me.
May 8, 2016 at 8:44 am #103924AnonymousGuestDear Lada:
Are you familiar with the term Dissociation?
The natural reaction of a person (even animals) to distress, unbearable distress, is to split, to separate from oneself. That little girl that you were, in the photo, that is you, but it doesn’t feel like it is you. That little girl is hiding, scared of the bad voice, calling her stupid and telling her that bad things will happen to her.
The healing that you need, i strongly believe, is about freeing that little girl from her prison inside you and integrating her into your awareness. She is too scared to come out. But without her you can’t live well, you can’t possibly know the right thing for you to do. You need that little girl to talk to you: you need her voice.
The other voice, well, that voice needs to be dealt with, managed, confronted so that the child in you will feel safe, at one point, little by little, and come out of her hiding.
If I was you, I would talk to her and encourage her to talk to you. You will need to protect her from the other voice that is scaring her… unnecessarily.
What do you think?
anita
May 8, 2016 at 8:52 am #103925AnonymousInactiveIt’s true that I saw a mediation video on Youtube for connecting to your child self and I was tempting to try it but didn’t. Will do now, thank you.
May 8, 2016 at 9:36 am #103927AnonymousGuestDear Lada:
This kind of work, connecting to your inner child, to the part of you dissociated, should be done in psychotherapy with a competent, caring psychotherapist. I wish you had access to one.
Please let me know of your youtube meditation experience.
anita
May 8, 2016 at 10:06 am #103943AnonymousInactiveI met my inner child of the age around 5 or 6 I think. She felt unwanted, she felt as if she hadn’t been a wanted child. I assured her that her parents loved her when they had her and that they wanted her. She didn’t really believe me. She looked for love in sweets. She felt as if something was wrong with her. When the meditation came to the part where she was supposed to tell me what did she want, she did say “love” and “to shine” but other than that there was no advice, I couldn’t promise her that we are going to be happy. Instead, I suddenly said “you know, life isn’t always good, not everybody gets their happy ending”.
May 8, 2016 at 10:08 am #103944AnonymousInactiveShe also remembered that she was quite afraid of her mother and didn’t have really a loving relationship with her, she went to her father as the good one. I also remembered when my dad came to me when I was 17 to tell me that they were getting a divorce. I felt like he broke my ideal world or image of a family and that he crushed everything to pieces.
May 8, 2016 at 10:11 am #103945AnonymousInactiveWe always joked around that I wasn’t theirs, mostly at times when I was being silly, but it was really just for fun. I didn’t know I felt that way.
May 8, 2016 at 10:16 am #103946AnonymousInactiveMaybe I’ll try once again tonight, it didn’t give me solutions, but I don’t cridge upon looking my profile pic at least.
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